Monday, August 31, 2009

freedom

i want to live as a free person. free from any attachments to the world, to gifts from God, to pain, to fear, to basketball, to people, to people's opinions, to status, to anything. to be free. to act upon the freedom given to me.

i want to trust. to trust God with everything. to give Him my all. to be okay with all the mystery and be okay with the waiting and be willing to wait patiently and actively.

i want to be humbled, to be broken, to be free from judgment of people and to be free from judging people.

i want all of this. i am so far from all of this. so much room to grow. and it will take a lot of time. i will be patient (no matter how much i need to work to be patient).

next year is probably gonna contain a lot of growing up for me and for people. it's gonna be so different. different people= different dynamics. and it just hit me how different it's gonna be with seniors moving out and stuff. it's scary. i'm scared but i'm excited.

i want God! i want Jesus! there is nothing else I need. I love Jesus! Jesus, You are enough! set me free! thank you for freeing me. thank you for freedom. may i make use of my freedom.

may You be glorified and Your name be known and Your good, pleasing, and perfect will be done in all our lives as it is in heaven.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

gah!

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is so stupid!!!!
i am so hating this right now
eff!
y the heck do i have to deal with this?

i just wish it could just be over. i thought it would be over already.

stupid sin.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

praise

God is bigger than the air i breathe. God is bigger than all my circumstances. God is bigger than I. God is bigger than my strengths. God is AMAZINGLY BIG. God is more powerful than I can ever imagine. and yet...

He died for me. He rose again for me. He poured out His blood for me. He redeemed me. He freed me. He saved me. He reconciled with me. and...

He did all this for YOU too! and...

He listens to my prayers. He answers my prayers. He loves me. and YOU too!

I am His beloved. I am His. I am chosen. I am His heir. and so are you if you have chosen Christ.

the weight of all this praise amazingly outweighs all my problems, makes it all insignificant. even the problems of this fallen world, the hurts of this fallen world, the pain of this fallen world, the hate of this fallen world, everything! is just insignificant compared to who He is and what He has done, is doing, and will do in me, through me, in my friends, through my friends, and in this world!

Lord, I pray that I may give you my all and entrust to You all of me, I pray that I am able to cling onto You and Your hope b/c You do not disappoint and Your hope does not disappoint. Lord, may your glorious kingdom come! and our knees bend before You! May we trust in and discern Your good, pleasing, and perfect will and may Your will be done on earth, on the U.S., on California, on Nor Cal, on UC Davis, in Epic, in my life as it is in heaven.

Friday, August 14, 2009

sweetly broken

Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle. it's a song. it's also the title of this blog and my blogspot.

there's just something to this song that makes me think and sometimes makes me sad and few times has made me tear up. the lyrics are quite powerful. even the title is enough.

i am and truly aim to continue to be sweetly broken in front of the cross and kneel amazed by God's works and just plainly God Himself.

this is why i love this song and why it is the name of my blogspot.

Monday, August 10, 2009

who am i?

hehe...listening to ray playing tenth avenue north songs right now. he's so awesome. makes thinking easier too. but yea...

why do i still look for worth in my friends? why do i still look for comfort in my friends? why?

i know this way doesn't work. i know God is my source of comfort and worth. i know i am never alone b/c love is here, God is here. but i seem to have lost who i am.

i mean i know and believe that i am God's and i am beloved and all that. but i just don't know who He has made me to be anymore. who am i? it's like i lost my sense of worth. almost like i'm lost too.

i think this is why i've just been so off lately and having a short fuse. and i'm guessing it's also cuz i feel so trapped w/ my legs/knees being the way they are.

i feel lonely, i feel desperate, i feel confused. i feel burdened.

who am i? when the heck can i start acting like the person I am made to be?

Sunday, August 9, 2009

eff

what the heck is wrong with me? i feel so much anger. like i'm going to blow up any minute. there is so something wrong with me right now but idk wat. something is totally bothering me deep inside. just so much hatred/anger/rage in me. i hate it.

excuse my languange but fuck! this freaking sucks! its bullshit! i'm back in Davis with my community, with my "family", and yet i have pent up anger in me. its stupid!

i need to spend time with God. i need a quiet time. haha. quiet. something i just need period.