Friday, July 29, 2011

Here am I


If not me, then who? I am here God. I am here! send me! Send me to those who need to hear! Send me God!

I have a huge heart for those who I love and I always want to be there for them. May I have that heart for the lost. For those who need to hear! I always feel disappointed and sad and useless and powerless and angry when I am not able to be there for my friends. May I feel those things when I am not able to be there for those who are lost. Send me God! May I be able to say, here am I! Here am I!

Break my heart for the lost God. Have your gospel penetrate my whole being so I may have a desire to tell others about you, to have others experience you. Send me God. Send me. I am here.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Safe

The past 6 weeks have gone by so fast.

Things have just been a crazy tornado ever since I graduated and moved back home.

It's been filled with crazy family health stuff, family responsibilities, transitioning, processing leaving and transitioning, church responsibilities, MPD, learning about and processing MPD, growing. and probably some other stuff I've missed.

Things have just been so crazy and I'm just realizing that I've just been going and going and things were just a blur. I barely stopped to enjoy moments.

And I feel like I missed a lot. I definitely miss God because my relationship with Him has definitely been put in the back burner. Not saying that I've completely neglected Him but it's definitely have had a lower priority.

What I also realize is that although I've had times where I'm spending a lot less overall time with Him in the past than I have recently, because I have become more mature and more hungry for Him and realized just how much I need and love Him, I feel a lot worse than I have in the past. ( I hope that made sense).

Another consequence of things moving so fast and being so crazy is that I haven't felt a thing or at least barely felt. I mean I knew I was overwhelmed and scared and sad and anxious and worried and stressed and all those things but I didn't really have time to feel or express those feelings.

Only until recently that while watching Garden State with Hannah Piol was my heart able to like catch up with the crazyness and be put in process and feel mode. And I finally cried. After 6 weeks of craziness I finally cried for what was going on with my family and how I felt about all of it.

Garden State had a message that home was an idea and the final idea of home was of feeling safe. That home is wherever the main character felt safe.

I mention this b/c I realize that I finally was able to feel b/c I finally felt it was safe enough. Safe enough for me in a safe enough environment where I know I am loved and known and understood and I can experience all of that directly instantaneously.

I finally felt safe. And as a result, I finally cried and started to process.

Things are still crazy and things are still going fast but I'm finally able to stop, feel, process, and live life. I've been just surviving for the past 6 weeks and now I want to live and I'm beginning to live.

I pray that I don't stop feeling and processing and living. I really don't wanna stop. It sucks. It feels so lonely and makes me think I'm alone.

I miss God and I miss living life. And I hope that when I move back home, somehow I can feel safe enough through my dependence on God and the Spirit and the support of the people who love me and know me to feel and live life as I create a community at home where I can feel safe when I am around that community.

I pray that I don't stop praying b/c that is the only way I can satisfy my hunger, my thirst, and the holes in my heart. Because only God can satisfy all of it. Only God can fully satisfy me. Only through prayer can I be fully dependent on God and the Spirit and take action to feel safe through the support of my friends and to take risks to feel and live life.

I love praying. I miss it. I love life. I miss it. I love feeling. I miss it. I love God. I miss Him.

Lord, I miss you and enjoying life and living life. I just miss things period. May I no longer go forward and have moments w/o you. I need you. I love you. Shine your light and fill me up. Be intimate with me and make me feel safe. Amen.