Sweetly Broken

Here am I

2011-07-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

If not me, then who? I am here God. I am here! send me! Send me to those who need to hear! Send me God!

I have a huge heart for those who I love and I always want to be there for them. May I have that heart for the lost. For those who need to hear! I always feel disappointed and sad and useless and powerless and angry when I am not able to be there for my friends. May I feel those things when I am not able to be there for those who are lost. Send me God! May I be able to say, here am I! Here am I!

Break my heart for the lost God. Have your gospel penetrate my whole being so I may have a desire to tell others about you, to have others experience you. Send me God. Send me. I am here.

Safe

2011-07-26T02:30:00.000-07:00

The past 6 weeks have gone by so fast.

Things have just been a crazy tornado ever since I graduated and moved back home.

It's been filled with crazy family health stuff, family responsibilities, transitioning, processing leaving and transitioning, church responsibilities, MPD, learning about and processing MPD, growing. and probably some other stuff I've missed.

Things have just been so crazy and I'm just realizing that I've just been going and going and things were just a blur. I barely stopped to enjoy moments.

And I feel like I missed a lot. I definitely miss God because my relationship with Him has definitely been put in the back burner. Not saying that I've completely neglected Him but it's definitely have had a lower priority.

What I also realize is that although I've had times where I'm spending a lot less overall time with Him in the past than I have recently, because I have become more mature and more hungry for Him and realized just how much I need and love Him, I feel a lot worse than I have in the past. ( I hope that made sense).

Another consequence of things moving so fast and being so crazy is that I haven't felt a thing or at least barely felt. I mean I knew I was overwhelmed and scared and sad and anxious and worried and stressed and all those things but I didn't really have time to feel or express those feelings.

Only until recently that while watching Garden State with Hannah Piol was my heart able to like catch up with the crazyness and be put in process and feel mode. And I finally cried. After 6 weeks of craziness I finally cried for what was going on with my family and how I felt about all of it.

Garden State had a message that home was an idea and the final idea of home was of feeling safe. That home is wherever the main character felt safe.

I mention this b/c I realize that I finally was able to feel b/c I finally felt it was safe enough. Safe enough for me in a safe enough environment where I know I am loved and known and understood and I can experience all of that directly instantaneously.

I finally felt safe. And as a result, I finally cried and started to process.

Things are still crazy and things are still going fast but I'm finally able to stop, feel, process, and live life. I've been just surviving for the past 6 weeks and now I want to live and I'm beginning to live.

I pray that I don't stop feeling and processing and living. I really don't wanna stop. It sucks. It feels so lonely and makes me think I'm alone.

I miss God and I miss living life. And I hope that when I move back home, somehow I can feel safe enough through my dependence on God and the Spirit and the support of the people who love me and know me to feel and live life as I create a community at home where I can feel safe when I am around that community.

I pray that I don't stop praying b/c that is the only way I can satisfy my hunger, my thirst, and the holes in my heart. Because only God can satisfy all of it. Only God can fully satisfy me. Only through prayer can I be fully dependent on God and the Spirit and take action to feel safe through the support of my friends and to take risks to feel and live life.

I love praying. I miss it. I love life. I miss it. I love feeling. I miss it. I love God. I miss Him.

Lord, I miss you and enjoying life and living life. I just miss things period. May I no longer go forward and have moments w/o you. I need you. I love you. Shine your light and fill me up. Be intimate with me and make me feel safe. Amen.

bittersweet

2011-06-12T01:30:00.000-07:00

bittersweet.

things are bittersweet right now.

in all reality, I'm coming back up here in July and then leaving in August but it feels and I act like I'm leaving tomorrow instead.

It all feels bittersweet.

I'm excited for the future and to intern with Epic in LA next year.

I'm sad to leave and to be far away and to say goodbye to my closest friends. Those who I know and am known by. Those who I wish and hope to be my lifelong friends.

It is all bittersweet.

I love them/you all and I'm going to miss them/you all.

God is good and His will is pleasing, perfect, and good. I hope that this and so much more of what is said of Him in His word is true.

I really do hope so.

It's the only thing that I can only hope in. It's the only thing that makes all of this ok and will be ok in the future.

So in hopes of having a better outlook on things while still letting all the emotions take its course and an act of faith in the trust/hope I have in God and His Word and His plans:

I propose a toast with all of you, To our futures, keeping in touch with one another, being friends when we grow up, growing old together, being invited to each other's weddings, and so on and what God has in store for each one of us!

Hopefully we get to do this toast in person and not just a blog entry.

things to do

2011-05-11T02:42:00.000-07:00

wah! so many things to do! actually struggling to manage my time for once...sigh...

servant team meetings
discipling two people
being discipled
phone call with support coach
support raising

write letters
send letters
make phone calls
follow up with people
outline presentation
meet up with people
send thank you cards
make appointments

school
close bank account
find sub-leaser for summer possibly
large group
small group
DC sharing
ticket paying
processing

leaving
letting go
feelings
ending well
reconciliation

thinking about decisions

going to Indonesia with Dad
overall support raising schedule
find a sub-leader or not

taking car to the shop
set up staff e-mail
other necessities and errands

sigh...there are possibly more...I can't believe I'm starting to think about not having a Sabbath but that isn't an option at all. I need my Sabbath to get refreshed so I can do the things I am doing. But I am getting so tired and drained so quickly now. sigh. I need more time. I would love a day to just be able to run errands and think about decisions to make. Or like have support raising take care of itself. Or I can just hermit myself. I don't like that option though.

Possibly for the first time I am going to need a calendar/written schedule. But that's not gonna change how tired I am and freaked out I am.

Life needs a pause button or like needs to stop being frustrating and things need to stop be being messy. Sigh.

I am just ranting so I am going to stop now.

to jump or not to jump?

2011-03-22T00:49:00.000-07:00

I almost drowned two times while growing up.

The first time happened when I was 5. The deep end didn't look so deep so I walked to it from the shallow end. I slipped and started drowning, luckily I was near an edge and was able to hold on till someone noticed me and saved me.

Because of that first time, I was afraid to swim. When I was like 8 or 9, maybe 10, my parents had me have swimming lessons. On the first day, I was told to jump into the pool which was 3 and a half feet. I was clearly taller than the depth of the pool but I was still afraid.

I eventually jumped and started learning how to swim. Then while playing marco polo at a pool with my brother and a friend, I somehow made it to the deep end while blind by walking on some edge underwater. But then I unknowingly stepped off the edge and started drowning. That was the second time I drowned.

Ever since then I'm afraid of drowning, afraid of deep waters and waters of unknown depth. But for some reason, this fear has not kept me from swimming toward the deep end of a pool or go farther into the ocean to join my friends who are having fun. And the more I join them and have fun with them and experience joy and belonging, the less I hesitate to go to the deep end. I still don't jump into the deep end but I will swim there.

This is how I see how I am doing a bit right now:

There's a pool with all my friends which I used to enjoy with them. Dreaming, hoping, having fun, and enjoying life, the pool, God and His blessings. But one day I started drowning and got scared to go into the pool. And I was able to overcome that fear a little and start willing to try out the pool but ended up drowning again.

Now I'm scared to even go into the pool. Just standing on the side, seeing my friends and longing to join them and have fun. I stand, scared, knowing that it is good, it is fun, it is what I need and I tell people also to jump. To dream, hope, enjoy, have fun. But I do not join. I don't jump in. I'm too scared to.

I stay outside b/c I am scared that I would drown again. To have the enjoyment be taken away by drowning. I stay outside because I know it is safe. I know what will and will not happen to me by the side of the pool. I am missing out but I at least feel safe and in control.

to jump or not to jump? that is the question.

another analogy would be:

there's a green field with a huge shady tree next to a stream. The scenery is so peaceful and I am under the tree enjoying all of it, enjoying God and praising Him and being thankful for His blessings.

Then a storm hits. Winds blow hard. Thunder blows. Lightning strikes. The waters fierce. I get scared and run to hide. Hiding from all the scary things and holding on to what I know is safe.

The storm finally ends and the peaceful scenery comes back. But I am still cowering in the corner, hiding. Scared to enjoy the peace, enjoy the blessings. Afraid that the storm will come back and I will have to run again and "lose" my hope, my joy.

I stay in the corner because I know the storm will not affect me. I know what is coming to me. I know I am safe although miserable, scared, and missing out.

to go out or not to go out? that is the question.

sigh. I want to jump. I want to go out. It takes faith to do it. It takes a focus and a taking refuge of the good memories to do it. I want to. I'm going to try to jump, to go out. I hope I will follow through. Help me God to have faith, to take refuge.

the end?

2011-03-10T00:54:00.000-08:00

it's basically the end of the winter quarter of my senior year in Davis. My last year in Davis.

In about 2 weeks and a half, the last quarter of my collegiate career, my last quarter in Davis will start.

I can't believe it. It's almost been 4 years. Time has gone by so fast.

This is not the way I wanted by senior year to be.

I do not want to end my time in Davis like this.

This is not the way I want things to be emotionally and relationally. I did and do not want to have gone through all of this pain, struggle, insecurities, and so much more emotionally and relationally this year.

I do not want to be where I want to leave Davis as soon as I can so I just can escape pain and painful memories.

I do not want to say goodbye this way. Even more, I do not want to say goodbye at all to some people. I want to end my senior year with a bang. With joy. With happiness. With gratefulness. With thankfulness. With satisfaction. I want to have those who I am closest to now to be my lifelong friends.

I want these friends, these people, these brothers and sisters, to be my lifelong friends. Those who I know and am known by.

I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to desire to escape Davis. I didn't want my senior year to be like this. I don't want to be like this right now. This is not what I wanted emotionally and relationally.

Good thing I have another quarter right? Right? Right? I hope so...

God this is my heart and you know there is so much more that I am aware of and there is even more than that that I am not aware of. Lord help me to trust you and believe that You are good to me. That I am not alone and that it is good for You to be in control. May I trust in You, believe in Your goodness, have joy in You, and find peace in You. Above all, let me be me, let me be Gabe, and continue to make me into who You have made me to be and make me aware of what You are doing, of who I am, of who You are, and the great awesome things You have in store for me not just in Heaven but now as well. Be glorified O Lord and reveal your majesty and glory. Amen.

Help...

struggling

2011-02-22T16:44:00.000-08:00

I am hurting, I am insecure, I currently don't know where I belong, I sometimes/a lot of times feel left out, I am struggling, I am weak, I feel hopeless at times, I feel needy a lot of times, I am grieving, I am frustrated, I am lost, I am not okay.

I am afraid to show or express these things.

I just keep thinking or hearing that people will be disappointed in me, that it is a burden to my closest friends and that it tires them out. That they would prefer to just hear that I'm okay. That they don't want to see this part of me. They want to see the strong secure Gabe. That the weak insecure Gabe is not worth their time and energy, no more like it is too much for them and they can't handle it. And that it frustrates them to see me so weak and insecure and so needy and whatnot.

God please do something. I don't want to be all these things anymore. I don't want to burden my friends. I don't want to hide from them either, in fact I can't not hide and that hurts them. I don't want to hurt my friends anymore God. I want to be strong for them. I want to be there for them. I don't want to burden them anymore God.

Help me trust you. Help me choose you to define me and justify me. It not only hurts me but as well as my friends when I'm not choosing you. So please heal me and save me. I don't want to be insecure anymore.

where do I belong?

2011-02-22T16:43:00.000-08:00

all my closest friends are dating. That's been a fact for a while now.

all my closest friends are either super seniors or graduated. That's been a fact that I've faced every since freshman year.

all my closest friends are either out of Epic or have only one foot in and the other foot is out.

I can't help feel left behind, even left out a lot of times.

Sometimes it feels pretty lonely, and confusing a lot of times.

where the heck do I belong?

I am left to bond with those of my year and younger and there is nothing wrong with that. I have been blessed to be able to bond and trust other people and have them be a part of my life. I am grateful for that.

And another fact is nothing and no one will replace my closest friends. No one ever can.

So that leaves me very split and confused.

I miss my best friends at times. And I feel like I'm missing out on hanging out with them or just being with them. It makes me feel left out. At other times, I am missing out on working on these relationships that have gotten closer and when I am with them, I'm just not as close to them so I don't feel as understood or safe or loved. I also feel left out here as well.

I feel like I'm a part of two separate communities.

I don't know. I may just be insecure in my identity in Christ and looking for worth in other things, in my friendships. If I am insecure, then I hate being insecure, it freaking sucks. Who knows? The point is, I feel lost and confused, I don't know where I belong and as a result of all of this I feel left out/left behind at times and I hate that feeling. It frustrates me so much.

I know I am loved in both communities or groups or w.e. they're called. But I feel so lost.

I just plainly don't know where I belong. I just plainly feel left out at times. That I am left behind.

Help me God...please...

emo day

2011-02-13T18:11:00.000-08:00

there is something profound about having an emo day or basically letting yourself just be emo.

Here is a quote from something I read recently:

"My observation of Christendom is that most of us tend to base our relationship with God on our performance instead of on His grace. If we’ve performed well—whatever ‘well’ is in our opinion—then we expect God to bless us...We seem to believe success in the Christian life is basically up to us; our commitment, our discipline, and our zeal, with some help from God along the way."

the whole article is found at: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/2011/02/11/transforming-grace/

I wanna talk about being "emotionally healthy"/"letting ourselves hurt"/"embracing our humanness"/any other thing related to this.

there is a sense of what doing these things 'well' for us or at least for me as I've been processing what I'm going through as well as letting myself hurt or feel sad/angry/disappointed/whatnot.

In one hand, I am 'healthier' than others because I do let myself cry or be angry or be sad and stuff like that. But on the other hand, I'm nowhere to actually being healthy.

This is where things may get controversial b/c I'm not sure if all of this is biblical and it definitely needs a balance to things.

The reason why I say I am nowhere close to being healthy or "perfect" (haha...this is even another situation where it could turn into performance easily) is because when I am hurting or being sad or feeling hopeless, letting myself be human and feel, is that I tell myself that I have hope, that I have joy, that I have people, that I am loved, that God is here, that God loves me, that God is patient, that God is hurting with me, and so on.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in telling myself or yourself these things but the problem comes where I'm telling myself all of these things that it starts to cap my emotional jug, where subtly I'm not letting myself feel completely, that I am only feeling as much as I deem to be okay, to be being a human 'well'. That it is not okay for me to be/feel hopeless. The point is I start making myself be in charge of feeling hope, experiencing grace, healing, instead of God and even more than that, it is only me that can bring myself out of the corner of the room and to step into the light. That it is up to me to be healed, hopeful, joyful.

The truth is, God is in charge of healing. That I need Him and I need people. That I can feel hopeless and allow God or friends to love me and I naturally, out of my own heart, and not my mind or pressure on myself to be in the light, to feel hope, to have joy, to come out into the light.

This is where letting myself be emo or have an emo day comes in. It allows me to feel hopeless and to just express it completely without any effort on my end to snap out of it. Not saying that if God comes and works in me directly or through friends that I won't snap out of it, but I am depending on God, on friends, on time to snap out of things.

Basically, I am giving myself an environment to completely pour out my emotional jug.

Point is, it is okay for me to be hurt, feel disappointed, feel lonely, and express these feelings and the desire/need for people (even the desire for a friend to be more present to that friend directly), when in all reality I am not alone, and not tell myself that I have people around me, that there are people who love me, that God loves me and allow God to tell me that instead b/c in all reality, He is in charge of my healing anyways and not me.

My choice comes in whether or not to believe God's truth or not and what makes it even more difficult is that it is completely okay if I have a hard time believing the truth b/c I am completely loved and accepted by God just b/c He loves and accepts me and He is patient with me.

There isn't any real conclusion to this blog b/c this is still a running thought and something I am recently realizing, processing, and learning.

your love is a song

2011-02-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

Your Love is a Song" by Switchfoot

A couple of lyrics from the song:

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running to me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, and into me

With my eyes wide open
I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken
Yeah, yeah

Your love is a song
Yeah, yeah
Your love is my remedy
Oh, your love is a song

Oh Lord, keep my eyes and ears open to your love. It is my only remedy so God I pray that I am aware of your love that is all around me. May I keep my hopes unbroken.

Pledge

2011-01-19T22:58:00.000-08:00

My Pledge to Davis Epic and all those I will lead/serve in the future

I choose by faith to lead the way Christ wants me to lead, to do what He wants to do, to say what He wants me to say, to give what He wants me to give for only His glory.

I bow down, in my brokenness and humility, in community with you all, not vowing to never fail but a commitment to keep my eyes on Jesus and to invest my time, energy, resources, and abilities in ways that help bring the love of Christ to you all as well as to the people in my life that Christ chose to put.

I make this pledge trusting in Christ, that He is in control even when I do fail and that He will grant me endurance as well as strength. I make this pledge knowing and believing that He fully loves and accepts me and that I will always be in process of claiming this love and acceptance until I die.

star wars

2010-12-27T00:30:00.000-08:00

Yoda: You must unlearn what you have learned.

Luke: I don't, I don't believe it.
Yoda: That is why you fail.

Luke: I can't. It's too big.
Yoda: Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.
Luke: You ask for the impossible.

These are quotes that stood out to me when watching a scene between Luke and Yoda in Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes back. In this scene, Luke's X-Wing sank deep into the bog/swamp and the conversation is about Luke's disbelief in being able to get the X-Wing out and his frustration after a failed attempt of using the force to get his ship out.

I find Yoda a very wise character. I love what he says in this conversation. I also find that I can relate to Luke a lot. This is the reason why:

People/we/I have to unlearn what we have learned. Talking to Tim, I realized that this is a major theme of college ministry. That we have to unlearn the lies that we thought were truth. Lies of who God is, how God works, what identifies us, what can satisfy us, the purpose of life, what evangelism is, what the gospel is, etc. We have to unlearn these lies so that we can learn what is actually the truth. The truth of who God is, how He works, how much He loves us, how much He can satisfy us, how much He has done for us and will do for us, why evangelize, what the implications of the gospel are, what to hope for, what the reason for living is, what the purpose of life is, and so much more.

I also find that there is a difference between knowing these truths and believing it. And like Yoda infers, we fail because we do not believe. I fail because I do not believe. Whenever I fail or continue to fail, it is because somehow someway my mind or heart or both does not believe these truths that I am learning or have learned.

From these past few months, one of the things I've learned is that truth heals. When I believe in truth that God is working, God is sovereign, God is good, He loves me, He is working things out for good for me, His healing is permanent, and so much more truths, it increases my hope and expectancy to see God's glory. It overwhelms all the pain and the hurt. It destroys all the lies that I fight and struggle with.

Even more than this, with Yoda's last quote, who am I to judge this pain/trial by its size or how much it hurts. God is my ally. And a powerful ally He is.And unlike the force which is fictional although Yoda says it is everywhere, God is real and He truly is everywhere. He truly is all powerful and He truly is my ally, YOUR ally; and nothing will separate us from Him and His love for us. And I mean nothing. God has promised that and He will follow through.

Luke ends the conversation by saying that Yoda asks for the impossible and then Yoda proves him wrong by lifting the X-Wing out using the force. But I want to say to Luke that, no! nothing is impossible. In that fictional world, nothing is impossible with the force (except a few things as we learned in episode III). But in reality, in this real world, it is completely true that nothing is impossible with God. And I really do mean nothing.

God is our powerful ally and this is a truth among many that we must learn and believe.

So I leave you with this:

Unlearn lies. Learn truth. Believe truth. Live with truth. Teach truth. God loves you. He will never forsake you. Nothing is impossible with Him. He will follow through on His promises. He is good. He is in control.

Beautfiul- Mercy Me

2010-11-21T18:37:00.000-08:00

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

free

2010-10-27T01:26:00.000-07:00

I am free to love and be loved.

You are free to love and be loved.

God loves me and sent His son to die for me, to bear all my sins and all the sins of the world on the cross for me. And He proclaimed His victory on the 3rd day by rising from the dead.

His death, His life, His sacrifice, His love and so much more that is His and of Him has freed me from my chains, from the chains of slavery to sin, to death, to the consequences of sin. And has redeemed me to be free and to love.

This implies that I am also free from my fears, my insecurities, my hurts and pains b/c of His love for me, b/c I am accepted, b/c I am protected.

Because of the gospel, because of the cross, because of what Jesus has done, I don't have to be scared of being hurt, of being lonely and so much more because I am now God's son and He holds me w/ His strong loving constant hands.

This tells me that it is ok for me to risk my heart, so I can love and let myself be loved b/c even if I am hurt (more like when I am hurt) b/c of betrayal or disappointment or what not He still holds me, He still loves me. Basically I will always have God and His love and He is bigger than all of this pain and hurt.

Jesus not only has set me free from hell and my sins winning over me but also has set me free from my fears b/c of His perfect love for me.

Because of Jesus, I am free to love and be loved. This is true and yet I have trouble believing it in my heart b/c of the hurt that I have and am going through and the lies that I have been told by the enemy and me listening to them and the consequences of those hurts and listening to those lies.

And I hope that this does not take anything away from you believing that God loves you and b/c of what He has done; YOU are FREE to LOVE AND BE LOVED.

there's a lot of implications that I'm still processing and unpacking to this statement so think about it and give me ideas as well.

food for thought

2010-10-14T01:40:00.000-07:00

I am about to butcher this quote cuz I can't remember it exactly:

"Life is not to be lived to hear how much people care about you, but to tell people how much you care about them." - Hannah

I really have to think about this and it's implications and what it really means but it is so true. Thank you Hannah.

Lead Me

2010-10-08T01:53:00.000-07:00

Lead me is a song done by Sanctus Real. It's a really good song with awesome lyrics. Check it out here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAKBXBXz1fo&feature=related

I rewrote some of the last lyrics as some type of a prayer.

So Father, give me the strength

To be everything I'm called to be

Oh Father show me the way

To lead them

Won't You lead me?

To lead them with wisdom

To trust You for all things

Don't want to leave them hungry for love

Chasing things other than you Lord

Show them just how much you love them

That they may feel safe and cared for

So we can call You our home

Lead us cause we can't do this alone

Father, lead me cause I can't do this alone

let Him love me

2010-09-30T01:19:00.000-07:00

God loves me. He loves me a lot.

He loves me too much for me to go down certain roads and sometimes that means allowing hurt into my life.

At times I am so thankful for this love and at times I don't understand why He would do this, I would be in a lot of hurt, and I would be angry at Him, maybe even to the point of hating Him.

I am at one of those points right now.

There is so much hurt going on right now in my life and I long for love, I long for comfort, I long to be held, I long for peace, and I long for so much more. And this hurt has given me a skewed view of God's love.

And I know only God can provide all of this for me and completely satisfy my needs and longings but I am so scared of letting Him love me b/c of all the hurt He has allowed into my life right now.

There is a "cry in my heart" for Him and there is also a wall in my heart holding Him back or trying to hold Him back.

Will I let Him love me? care for me?

It is the only option I have b/c I cannot seek and rely on people to complete me or satisfy me and the truth is I am so scared of letting Him love me.

I am so scared. I have been hurt, I am angry at God, and I am not letting Him be by my side and hold me.

I am so scared. I am hurt, I long for God, I long for Him to hold me.

Will I let Him love me? Idk...I know the right answers and what I need and all but I just don't know...

I can say that I'll let Him love me but Idk if I really am b/c this is such a process and not a change in one day thing. So we will see...I hope that I will let Him love me b/c I need Him more than anything/anyone else.

(I also know there is more to life than this, there is eternity, but that is another convo/thought/blog for another time)

1040

2010-09-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkQVzkpJbF8

http://1040movie.com/category/1040-updates

all i want

2010-08-31T15:07:00.000-07:00

i hate sin...i hate sinning...i hate how easy it is for me to fall and to sin...i hate it.

i hate how easy it is for me to choose worldy things than God.

i not only sin against myself and others but i also sin against God each time I sin. I grieve God each time I sin and I hate it. I'm so sorry God.

I love it that God loves me so much He grieves when I sin. I love that I am forgiven. I love that I am accepted by Him no matter what because of Jesus Christ. I love that I can confess my sins to Him w/o being judged at all. He is not repulsed by me and I am thankful and I love it.

All I want is to no longer sin. All I want is to no longer grieve my Daddy who loves me and whom I love. All I want is to be filled to the brim by the Spirit and be empowered by Him so that I may become more and more like Christ, sin less and less, to lead well, to glorify God with everything I am and I do and please Him and as a result be completely satisfied in Him.

All I want is God. All I want is to live for Christ. All I want is to store up treasures in heaven. All I want is to live for eternity and enjoy the blessings He has given me and will give me.

I want to know God. I want to know His will for me. I want to no longer fall. I just want to stop sinning, it sucks failing so much....it hurts to fail so much...

Lord give me strength, the awareness, and the desire to no longer grieve your Spirit, to know and live like I am forgiven, to glorify you in everything I am and I do, to be completely satisfied in You and seek You and choose You, Your kingdom, and Your righteousness first.

what to do

2010-07-11T00:22:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to do after I graduate.

I can go to med school, go to grad school for something, go into the workforce, or go into ministry vocationally.

I know I can and will be able to glorify God passionately wherever I go b/c I love glorifying God but what really makes me alive is doing ministry, going into ppl's lives and pointing 'em to God and see 'em learn more about God and also give me a bigger picture of God and I also love going side by side a person and support them w/ their ideas and dreams and be able to help 'em see it through and see the joy in 'em when it glorifies God and influences ppl towards God.

I'm scared...idk what to choose...idk what my calling is...my parents believe that those who choose ministry vocationally are called by God and can't turn back and that adds pressure on me like no other and that is why I'm so scared

I really seriously want to figure out what I'm called to do w/ my life for the rest of my life.

And I'm tired of keeping my options open and seeing God open and close doors...i'm tired of waiting...I want to know now

i'm so tired b/c i feel so powerless and it gets me angry as well and that is the same w/ me feeling scared...it is leading me to be angry as well

I'm growing impatient and I just want to know what I'm supposed to do w/ my life after I graduate sooooo bad. I guess you can say I'm desperate.

I leave this blog on a cliffhanger b/c this is a cry and just a major spill of thoughts and emotions that I just can't process through b/c I am as well overwhelmed by everything...sigh...

love your enemies

2010-07-06T22:54:00.000-07:00

I got this from Sunday's sermon at Discovery:

the heart behind loving your enemies is not to guilt them and make them feel bad as a method of revenge or payback but it is to point them to Christ, to point them towards God and His love for them and His desire for them to turn to Him and love Him. We love our enemies so they may be able to experience God's love for them, be humbled, and run towards God and yield to His will, not to get revenge or make them pay for what they have done. So they may not experience the chains of guilt, shame, and/or fear but so they may experience freedom from those very chains that even haunts us at times. This too is so we may also experience freedom from anger and wanting to get revenge and be able to experience the freedom, the comfort, and joy of trusting God w/ everything and that it will be good, pleasing, and perfect.

this is not a direct quote but my own wording of what I learned and further thoughts

desert song

2010-07-01T01:31:00.000-07:00

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

sunday

2010-06-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

this past sunday was a good day. the best dat i've had in a long time and it was only b/c of God. It was like He was talking to me the whole day in one long conversation.

this was the conversation:

Hebrews 12

sermon at discovery: http://www.discoverychristianchurch.org/main/sermons/160

3 boundless blogs that i read:

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002307.cfm

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002308.cfm

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002309.cfm

sunday was a good day. i don't think this was a sign or omen for anything but a general conversation about who God is and God just revealing to me more of Him and how He loves me. It's amazing and I love my God and He is good.

on a side note, I'm excited to take my first sabbath in about 2-3 weeks this next sunday the 4th from 12am to 12am. I definitely need it, definitely felt the difference of not having one every week.

legacy

2010-06-23T01:22:00.000-07:00

What will they say when I'm gone,
In words that are written in stone?
Under my name, what will they claim about me?

Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered.
More than just a memory that fades away
Because we only, we only get one life

Free me, my hands are tied
I'm so tired of wasting time
These endless inventions
Steal my attention from real life
And when its done, when its over

Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered
More than just a memory that fades away
Because we only, we only get one life

And will the world see Christ
When they look at my life?
Oh, will the world see?

Mmm, come on, give me, give me, give me real life
And no more, no more, no more wasting time
Because we only, we only get one life (Just one Life)

Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered
More than just a memory that fades away
Because we only, (Get one shot, at this one life) We only (One moment in time)
Because we only, we only get one life

song by sanctus real- not a bad song

i want to leave a legacy. a legacy of a life that Christ is seen in, that Christ is glorified. a life that lived for Christ, for eternity, that agape loved people both believers and non-believers, that was satisfied only by God, a life that impacted people to pursue God, to know Him more and more, to get others to know Him, and to be known by Him.

I want to leave a legacy that glorifies God, that is for Christ.

I want to be remembered as a follower of Christ that is always in process.

I want to have an impact on this world for Christ. I want to live for Christ.

Will the world see Christ when they look at my life? I hope it will see.

junior year

2010-06-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

if i was to describe my junior year into a sentence or a phrase it would be: "coming into light."

if it was going to be a song, i would have no idea, because idk a song that would fit dat. oh wells.

a lot of things came into the light this past year.

i realized a lot about myself, about how my past affects me, the power of confession, things that were happening w/ other people, things that were happening w/ me, a lot about God and my relationship with Him...A LOT about God and my relationship with Him.

i learned that i still struggle w/ performing and being perfect. that when i get put into a leadership position, i struggle with fitting the model dat i teach or is taught in general perfectly. the problem with this year is that it included forcing myself to listen to ppl, to be vulnerable, and to show grace/love when i don't feel like it.

i learned that bringing things into the light by either confession or just plain old sharing is very free-ing.

i learned dat I love God a lot and I can't get enough of Him but also that I struggle w/ trusting Him and also seeing that He loves me personally for who I am, for me, and that I am of worth to pursue and stuff.

I learned that I think ppl only believe in me b/c of what I can do and what I already did.

I learned dat God does love me personally, that it is ok for me to fail, that I am of worth to pursue, and some ppl do believe in me b/c I am Gabe.

I learned dat God's standards are not people's standards and a lot of times, maybe all the time, i think ppl's standards are what God's standards are and if i meet ppl's standards, God is pleased and glorified. and that is not true all the time. God is pleased and glorified when I pursue Him and enjoy Him.

i also learned just how fallen my community is and that is okay and that I should not have put so much burden on them to satisfy me, to satisfy my needs to be pursued and comforted and so on. instead I should have sought that in God and always God first. to seek God's kingdom first.

i learned that God is awesome and being a part of being completely accepted by Him is that I can share about anything and communicate everything to Him b/c although He already knows, He wants us to talk to Him and to see Him as our Daddy in Heaven.

there is a lot more dat I learned over this past year and so much more as i live for Christ, it's been an up and down year emotionally and stuff but good b/c God is in control and He is good and all of this has been according to His will which I am learning/struggling to see and trust is good, pleasing, and perfect.

the most recent thing I learned is just how much I can miss someone and that it is okay to miss ppl and stuff and also that seeking God first in this does not mean dat i stop missing dat person but dat i acknowledge dat only God can satisfy me completely 24/7 without fail and dat I can miss dat person at peace knowing dat God does satisfy and dat it is ok.

to summarize how i feel or think or w.e. about this year:

I LOVE GOD! I CANT GET ENOUGH OF HIM!

fingerprints

2010-06-18T00:19:00.000-07:00

God's fingerprints are everywhere!

I'm starting to realize and see this everywhere I go.

Like seeing the water show in front of the Bellagio. I could watch it for hours and not get old of it. It is so beautiful and creative. I am constantly in awe of it.

What makes it more awesome is that it reflects who God is. Someone had to program the show. To program when a certain spout will shoot water and also for how high, how long, and in what direction. It's amazing and putting it all together is so creative and just incredible. This in itself shows how incredible and creative our God is because this person/ppl were created in the image of God so they reflect God's characters and also the blessings God gives ppl, to His creation, to those He loves.

God is amazing :)

another is in songs like "I'll Stand by You." the lyrics could be said to be "corny" cuz of all dat lovey-dovey stuff. But some of these lyrics are very beautiful in how this person is expressing love and showing love. These lyrics also express God's love for us in one way or another. It gives us just a little glimpse because God's love is bigger and never ending and will not fail us unlike people's love.

I'm really starting to see God everywhere and how things can be seen/taken to worship God and be in awe of Him. To give God all the glory.

The question is...do I see God's fingerprints in my own life?

The answer is I don't at times and that is sad and frustrating for me because I know that He has done work in my life and is working in my life but it is so hard to see it at times especially when things are down/hard. Maybe it's time to stop seeing/just plainly knowing and having faith and believing that God is working and taking refuge in that. idk...maybe...just maybe.

i need a title

2010-05-31T21:33:00.000-07:00

this article describes so much about me and stuff, way better than I can put into words myself.

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002297.cfm

trust

2010-05-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

"He was going to teach us trust by exemplifying trust. Instead of communicating a lack of confidence to us, God the Father chose to share His Son' mission with us. He made us partners in the family business!...He is modeling trust so that we trust back...God is willing to take the time to win our hearts by treating us nobly. He really trusts us." - Becoming Who God Intended

:'( I am so sorry God for not trusting you. I'm sorry that I am struggling with this. I'm sad that I am struggling with this. I am so happy that you are patient with me. I am humbled by your love to me and your affection to me.

Thank you Daddy for your love to me and how you see me and value me. Thank you for trusting me and adopting me as your son and treating me as an adult. May I respond properly and take care of my responsibilities.

"I am not the sum total of my past. I am the sum total of who God tells me I am. The responsibility of the person who is in that Third Family Group [dysfunctional or stressed family] is to exercise real faith in how God sees us and value us." - Becoming Who God Intended

Thank you for your work in me Lord. I've been a grown up for a long time officially but I haven't been acting like one. I haven't been acting like an adult, not wanting to really grow up. Thank you for humbling me and being oh so patient with me. You trust me because You really do love me and trust me and You are patiently waiting for me to respond to your affection w/ affection, to your love w/ love, to your trust w/ trust, and so on. You are amazing Lord. I love you so much. May I learn more about You and not only trust you but trust others esp. your other sons and daughters.

gloriying God

2010-05-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

I want and I desire so badly to glorify God with all I do, think, and feel. I even pray for this.

I have just recently learned that even though there is nothing wrong with this desire, it does not deal with anything about my motivation.

I may say that when I do this I hope it glorifies God but I now know that saying that means that glorifying God basically takes a backseat. That I do this thing for my own reasons and goals and hope that it also glorifies God.

This is all thanks to a convo I had with Hannah recently, quite recently actually.

In this convo, a new phrase came up, I don't remember from whose mouth, probably Hannah's, but it is I am doing this thing to glorify God.

This makes glorifying God the reason why I do things and puts God in the driver's seat of my life.

This idea seems so free-ing to me but this requires major trust in God, that Him being glorified may mean in things/results I did not expect/want and that takes major humbling.

It is gonna be so hard for me to really mean this saying and to trust God even more, if I even did in the first place, but I do want the reason why I do things to be that it is to glorify God or because it is glorifying to Him.

I want God to be truly first in my life b/c I know He is good and knows whats best for me. The problem is I don't trust that He knows what's best, I have problems trusting Him and I have no idea why and it hurts to know that I do not trust the God I love. that I don't trust my Daddy.

I pray, I wish, I desire for God to reveal to me the reason why and how I can trust Him (this is also hard cuz i usually try to figure things out myself). I want to glorify God. I want to do things to glorify Him or do things because it is glorifying to Him. I want to enjoy Him. I want to find satisfaction in only Him because only He can truly satisfy me.

Forgive me God for not trusting you, I pray that you reveal to me what's holding me back and guide me to be able to see your goodness and truly trust that you are good. May I do things to glorify you.

bad week

2010-05-20T00:09:00.000-07:00

it's been such a lame week right now

full of long days, not very good sleep hours, failures, mess ups, hurts, lost bikes, fears, new experiences

hard things to do even though the right thing to do

i so don't want to deal with school right now.

I find myself desiring to run to my Father and be in His presence, to be comforted by Him, to praise Him, to be satisfied in Him.

I just want to drop everything and go to Him and be with Him.

one good thing of this week: I am continuously going to my brothers and they and God never cease to amaze me, give me grace, and be very affirmative supportive and loving.

living in the light

2010-05-09T01:33:00.000-07:00

bringing things into the light is so freeing.

even though the consequences could be either positive or negative, it is so worth it.

i think that's also why God has us confess our sins even though He already knows what we did and He already has forgiven 'em.

we are to confess so we may experience not just the grace of forgiveness but the grace of freedom and the joy from being freed.

living in the light means that the darkness is exposed (scary) but also means that the darkness is expelled (awesome)

good thing God is light, which probably means that living in the light means living under God and His glory, living w/ Him. which makes our relationship w/ Him our lives.

i have no idea if this all makes sense but something I heard recently is that our relationship w/ God IS my life. or at least it should be.

and i also know this for sure, living in the light and bringing things of my past, my sins, my struggles, and my burdens out and actively letting God and people be a part of it is very freeing and leads me to enjoy God and His blessings so much more and in all this, He is glorified because this is only possible because of who He is, the cross, the gospel, His love, His grace, and so much more.

I love you God! Only You are worthy of my praise, my devotion, my desire and only You can satisfy me and my deepest needs/thirsts.

2010-04-02T01:29:00.001-07:00

i don't remember the last time i read while hanging out or whatever to shut myself out. but I just did.

weird.

surprising.

?

help?!.

i'm weird

2010-03-25T23:23:00.000-07:00

i'm weird...hehe

i'm :D

i'm joyous and free!

but given the circumstances, i shouldn't be

i'm not really emotionally healthy right now

i've been using God to run from God, doing for God instead of being with God, and living without limits

there's a lot of work needed to be done in me

i needs to learn to let go of power and control and surrender to my limits

there's also a lot of responsibility on my shoulders that i'm bearing

but there's nothing I can do, literally, the only way I can become healthy and learn all these things is by God's grace

so i'm completely dependent on God and i'm loving it b/c I trust Him.

and this complete dependency is leaving me feeling so joyous and free.

:D

next quarter, next year, my grades, my life, my responsibilities, my relationships, it's not about me, it's about Him and His glory and enjoying Him. :D

the alter and the door

2010-03-06T01:50:00.000-08:00

for some reason all day today this song kept on popping up so i finally listened to it and i semi-see why now.

the link is :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjRFZEpihNc

the lyrics are below:

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong way traveling, slowly unraveling, shell of a man
Burn out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner, of my cold, cold heart

Lord this time, I'll make it right
Here at the altar I lay my life
You're kingdom come and my will was done
My heart is broken as I cry....

Like so many times before
But my eyes
Are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try...(I'll try)
but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

Here at the altar
Oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What you've shown me to be right

Lord this time (Lord this time)
I'll make it right (make it right)
Here at the altar I lay my life
You're kingdom come, but my will was done
my heart is broken as I cry

Like so many times before
but my eyes, are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try... (I'll try)

but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

I'm trying so hard, to stop trying so hard
just let you be who you are
Lord who You are in me

Jesus I'm trying so hard
to stop trying so hard
Just let you be who you are
Lord who You are in me, Oh Lord I...

Cry....
like so many times before
but my eyes are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try...(I'll try)
but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

Cry...(My eyes are dry)
Like so many times before (So many times)
But my eyes (eyes)
Are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try (I'll try)
But this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

try...(trying so hard)
like so many times before... (try so hard)

life

2010-03-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

i chose a train cuz idk what else fits but there's probably better analogies since this one is probably faulty. anyways here it is:

you're on a stop. the train pulls up. you do not know where it is going but the conductor calls you to join him and take a ride with him. you do not really know the conductor but he seems trustworthy and safe.

He says, "come, join me, I want you to experience this ride with me."

you decide to take this chance. with all your baggage (that's really heavy and hurtful and too much in your own power to take care of) and everything that's been happening and failing, you have no reason not to take this chance and maybe finally find rest, peace, and joy.

you take all your baggage with you into the train but someone who holds the identity of the conductor but at the same time different takes all your baggage and says, "I will and have taken care of all your burdens, find rest and relax."

you take a seat and see in the train that there are others like you, full of baggage and looking for a purpose, some of their baggage are the same as yours and some are different. you also see that with each passenger you see is another person that holds the same identity as the conductor and the baggage taker but this person is looks exactly the same (like this person is everywhere) and you realize that he is also with you.

the train starts and leaves the station. you look out and see different things. some are amazing, some are peaceful, some are disturbing, some are depressing, etc.

you soon realize that each passenger's view is different, they may not see the same thing you are seeing at the same moment but they are available to talk to and care for you and vice versa. you also find that the person that is always with you seems to be a guide and helps you understand the things you see and experience.

at times, you are enjoying your ride getting to know others, the conductor, the baggage taker, the guide, and the view.

at times you are distracted and lose hope and start worrying where you are going and what's going to happen b/c of the negative views you are seeing.

at times you start worrying about your baggage and you actually go to your baggage and start working on your stuff losing the opportunity to experience the lives of everyone on the train and also the amazing views.

you also realize that when you are distracted working on your baggage the conductor slows the train down trying to get you to stop, relax, and experience the ride. you also find the baggage taker saying, "I have and am taking care of you baggage, trust me, and find rest."

as you learn more and more about the conductor, baggage taker, and guide with the other passengers you learn to trust these three who hold the same identity, to love them, and to want others to know him.

you decide to become more and more like him and also to invite others to join on the ride with whoever you meet at stops even though you still do not know where the train ride is going exactly.

but you also find yourself struggling to do what you desire, being distracted by your baggage and things outside, but you also find that he is continously forgiving and graceful. being patient, loving, and encouraging.

eventually the ride ends. and the conductor says "well done good and faithful servant, you are my son who I am well pleased."

you wonder and say, " I don't deserve anything, I haven't done anything at all."

but He says, "you chose to trust me and in my promises. that is enough, my son, the baggage taker, has taken care of everything and bore everything for you. He has paid your payment and made you worthy to be on this ride by dying and rising from the dead."

you look back and see people who were not on the train with you begging, crying, suffering, wanting to be forgiven and be at the destination. and you ask, "what about them, what's happening?"

He says, "they chose not to trust me, my promises, and believe who my Son is and what He has done for them and now it's too late and must pay for their sins and that is their punishment/payment, Hell."

you soon learn that you are in heaven and that in heaven, there's no more suffering, pain, and tears and that everyone knows the conductor and worships him and you join them. you join them and worship for thousands of years but it all seems to be just one day.

i don't know how i got all this but yea, just a little, but probably a lot at the same time, of what I see/experience.

if you still don't know what the analogy is about. contact me and lets talk.

what do I want

2010-02-27T01:49:00.001-08:00

what do you want to do? what do YOU want in life? what does your soul, what does your heart desire in life?

this was a question posted to a pastor when he was in counseling and he shared this in a sermon.

link is: http://www.xarischurch.org/sermons/xaris20100207.html

it's a good sermon.

anyways, the question got me thinking. what do I want in life? what does my soul and heart desire in life?

my instincts, my immediate answer was to be with God, to serve Him.

my uttermost desire in life is to glorify God and to be with Him.

I am so happy and relieved that my instincts said this answer b/c I've been struggling with God the past couple of days for some reason and it has left me really emo/depressed/w.e. The point is that I was/am not doing well.

I am comforted that my deepest desire is still to be with God and only He can satisfy me and not relationships or my work or other things that I struggle with and take my attention away from God.

this comfort, this relief, this peace, makes it all easier to let go of the things I want to control, of the things that make me feel safe, of the things that distract me from God.

not saying it's not gonna be hard but it definitely is gonna be a little bit easier now.

dangerous prayer here I come:

"Lord, I love you. I need you. I want you and only you. Thank you for everything. Take whatever you want. whatever Lord. whatever. I give you my all. I lay it all down. Amen."

influence

2010-02-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

anyways...i've been thinking about influence quite a bit lately.

i'm beginning to realize i influence a lot of people. some i influence directly and some is cuz i'm a leader and looked up to in a way.

i am so not used to being looked up to. I'm used to being the young one who does not really have to set an example for others in the ministry. but now, it is my responsibility. I gotta be honest, being a model for others is weird for me and hard. I'm not used to being the good example, an example of grace, love, truth, serving, and etc.

i've begun to notice that the people I do influence directly hold characteristics of myself and some I do not like. I see these people being mean at times, crude at times, violent at times too.

there has also been some people that have jokingly said that I am a bad influence and I have not taken any offense to these statements but it has made me think about the influence I am giving off.

I am not the young one anymore. I am a leader of a movement. I influence many people. I am being watched by others. Considering all this, what has been said, and what I'm noticing, I need to watch what I say and do.

this is going to be a challenge for me. what to change, what to stop, what to limit, and what to keep as my personality?

Lord help me. give me discernment. may I be more and more like You. may they see You and not me.

asking for/receiving help

2010-02-15T23:12:00.000-08:00

y do i find it hard for me to receive help?

i could be tired, in pain, busy, stressed, but i choose to be stubborn and not ask for help or even receive help that is being offered to me.

instead, i choose to be "independent" and push myself to the limit and even more. and then after i've broken down, i complain bout how much work I had and sometimes even say that I was not being ministered to.

so stupid Gabe.

an example of my stupidity/stubbornness would at curry night for my freshman at my place. I was suddenly overcome with migraines and fatigue and i retreated into my room and napped.
when i woke, Hannah and Tim both asked me at different times if they could get me water or anything. and i said no. and a minute later, I got out of my bed and got water and some meds while stumbling a bit because i haven't fully recovered yet.

I was selfish and stubborn and stupid.

right now i'm in a very busy week schoolwise after coming out of a busy week ministry wise and I'm tired, very tired. I did not rest much over the weekend and I'm pushing myself to work. killing parts of my body in the process and stressing myself out.

and yet, I choose to only rely on myself and not on the community around me. I choose solitary to destress instead of community. I choose to go through all this by myself with my own strenght.

I have no idea why I do this. why I find it hard, extremely hard, for me to ask for help and even receive help. but it is stupid of me to be like this.

God help me. Help me see the community that I have around me and the blessings/help you have in store for me through the people arond mewhile I'm busy and tired. Humble me Lord and let me able to ask for help when needed and receive help. Give me the awareness and humility to know when I need help and to admit it.

sin

2010-02-14T01:52:00.000-08:00

there is so much sin and pain in this world. it's really discouraging. at times, when I think about the pain and hurt people are going through, it's hard to live w/ hope. i just get extremely sad.

an example would be seeing my brothers struggle, going through the same things I did/I am and going through even more pain and different types of pressures and hurts. It makes my heart break and me cry.

another would be how a lot of us try to spend as little time as we can with our family, we try to leave Davis the latest we can and get back to Davis the earliest we can. it's heartbreaking. this is our families we are talking about and yet family life is so hard we try to stay safe and comfortable as much as we can. truly sad that this is a reality.

there will be one day where there will be no more pain, no more tears. I hope, I pray that that day comes soon. I hope, I pray that people will realize the hope, peace, comfort, joy, and many other things Jesus offers while sin continues to wreak havoc in their lives and all over the world.

God be oh so very real to all of your creation that we can not ignore who you are and have no other choice but to acknowledge you, fall on our knees, praise you, and proclaim who you are.

ministry

2010-02-08T23:02:00.000-08:00

i love ministry!

just seeing people getting excited for what they are doing is so awesome! Even better is learning what their vision is and being able to go alongside that is pretty exciting!

I just love being able to support people's visions for what they are doing and even give them the go ahead. Supporting these leaders and telling them to go for it. It's so awesome!

I am excited for these leaders and what they have in store and what God has in store for them and what He will do through them and what He has in store for Epic and how He's going to use Epic for the spreading of His kingdom.

In other news, the last time I checked, NO is an answer. So when a person doesn't get what the person prayed for, it does not mean God did not answer the prayer but instead answered "no".

possibly more on this later (might rant).

freaking out

2010-01-25T23:36:00.000-08:00

i am starting to freak out!

gah! it is freaking scary.

my best to my parents mean that I get A's and B's on occasion.

and given this, what I am doing now for my 2 midterms tomorrow is not good enough for them.

and I have stupidly found myself in a hole and perpetual circle of studying and doing school for them and not for God.

there isn't much more I can do right now to study but I know that there is little chance that I'll ace both midterms tomorrow at this state and thus I am freaking out.

why the heck am I doing this for my parents and not for God? I have no idea but I am freaking out and scared.

weird

2010-01-20T02:25:00.001-08:00

I loved conference! it's my favorite one so far. but yet, I got nothing to blog about it.

weird

I find myself out bursting in anger twice in these past two days. Made me realize that I've outbursted in anger a lot of times this year starting in summer session 2.

weird

I wonder what's happening to me. what's making things so different. what's making things so weird. cuz i gots no idea.

P.S. the Epic Men 6 feet and under IM b-ball team lost their 1st game. I was out hustled in that game.

weird

masterpiece

2010-01-13T22:11:00.000-08:00

(2nd part of a 2 part blog)

there may be even a 3rd blog to this one.

this is the main reason for these past two blogs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXut0HxncvY&feature=related

anyways, I am God's original masterpiece. Gabriel Fances is God's original masterpiece.

that is how God sees me, that is how I need to see myself, but I don't a lot of times.

I see myself as unworthy so many times in an unhealthy way.

The reason I see myself like this is b/c of the amount of sin I commit or struggle with.

One of the reasons I struggle and fall into since so much is b/c of my fear of loneliness. I fear being alone and the feeling of not being known. and when I have time to think, mostly when I'm about to sleep, I hear sooo many lies in my head. Lies telling me that ppl don't know me, my friends don't know me, that ppl are going to hurt me again, and to stop these lies or more like ignore them, I do things that would shut off my brain or distract it and some/most of them are sinful.

Another reason is my unsatisfaction with myself. I am unsatisfied with where I am and who I am and with what I continuously struggle with and/or fail to do. My parent's unsatisfaction with my results in school or whit what I do or with who I am is also added to this. And each time I sin, I am more and more unsatisfied with myself, and like the thoughts of loneliness, I try to ignore the thoughts of unsatisfaction and thus its a perpetual circle.

Gah! I feel like junk. I know how God sees me. and that is as righteous, as a masterpiece, and many more good perfect things. but it's so hard for me to believe. I know the truth but I don't bank on these things, I don't have faith in these things and I wonder why I don't.

but I do take joy in the fact that there are times I do believe these things. That there are times that I do believe and see that I am God's original masterpiece.

Gabriel Fances is God's original masterpiece and so are you. God does not make junk.

God chisel out all this junk that is not of me. I surrender myself to You, all that I am. I want to be used by You for Your glory, Your kingdom, Your work, and Your will.

mirror

2010-01-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

(part 1 of a 2 part blog)

when i wake up in the morning and look in the mirror who do I see?

I see myself. I see junk. or more as a masterpiece covered in junk that I can't wash off.

I know I am covered by Jesus' blood and that God sees me as righteous and that I have been made in His image and many more but I still struggle with how I see myself and each time I learn or hear more of who I truly am in Christ and how God sees me, it affects me greatly and touches my heart.

it's surprising to me on how I still need to be reminded of these things and continue to apply these implications of the gospel in my life and heart.

I see myself covered in junk or as junk (not sure) when I look in the mirror. I want to see Jesus instead.

hunger and thirst for righteousness

2010-01-08T01:03:00.000-08:00

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied" Matthew 5:6 (ESV)

what does it mean to hunger and thirst for righteousness? the basic answer for this question is somewhat clear (needing to have or be righteousness so much that it can only satisfy the daily needs of drinking and eating ) but what does it really mean? what are the costs and struggles that come with wanting/needing righteousness this much?

to be honest, it is way too easy for me to fall into sin and I know that's true for a lot of people but each time I fall into sin, I get frustrated at myself. is that a part of being hungry and thirsty for righteousness? I don't know.

but I do know this, it's not a part of the joy of my salvation given to me by Jesus Christ. What I think having the joy of salvation means that even though I struggle and fall into sin, I remember my salvation and I am in the process of being restored and am joyful that I am in this process and willing to continue to fight and pursue righteousness.

I may be wrong too. haha.

I know this though. Because of the gospel, God sending His one and only, Jesus Christ, to walk on this sinful world fully human and fully God and living a sinless life only to die on the cross for our sins but rising from the dead on the 3rd day signifying victory; I am saved, redeemed, reconciled, restored/being restored, forgiven, and many many more.

and for this I am joyful, I seek righteousness, I want to continue to be joyful, I want to tell others of this good news, and many many more.

Thank you God. You are truly holy, good, majestic, glorious, worthy, sovereign, and many more. I love you. May I remember who You are and what You have done and Your name be glorified.

should I be excited?

2009-12-25T00:04:00.000-08:00

Christmas- a day to remember the birth of my Savior and giver of the ultimate gift (eternal life), Jesus Christ. This day is to remember that Jesus humbled Himself and came down to this sinful world fully God and fully man to ultimately live on this Earth sinless, influence tons of people esp. the 12 disciples, and die on the cross for everyone's sins (while we were all still sinners), and rise from the dead on the 3rd day signifying victory and meaning to all the suffering He went through for us.

It sounds like Christmas should be a grand day of celebration and I should be excited about it.

But when I think about it. We should remember what Christ did every living moment of our lives and be reminded and learn of the implications of the cross and the empty tomb.

Given this, should I be excited today?

I think we should be excited and have our joy and the love we experience from God overflow out of us every single day.

Love by Jaeson Ma

2009-12-20T23:18:00.000-08:00

Now Hollywood wants to make you think they know what love is.
But I'm a tell you what true love is.
Love is not what you see in the movies.
Its not the ecstasy, its not what you see in that scene
you know what I mean? I'm telling you right now, true love is sacrifice.
Love is thinking about others before you think about yourself
Love is selfless not selfish. Love is God and God is love.
Love is when you lay down your life for another
Whether for your brother, your mother, your father or your sister
Its even laying down your life for your enemies,
That's unthinkable, but think about that
Love is true
Think.

Chorus
I'll put you in front of me
So everybody can see
My love, this is my love
I know that I'll be alright
As long as you are my guide
My love, this is my love

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast
It is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs
You see love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, it always perseveres
Love never fails. Love is everlasting
Its eternal, it goes on and on, it goes beyond time
Love is the only thing that will last when you die
But ask the question why? Do you have love?

Chorus

There is no greater love than this than he who lays down his life for his friends
Now are you willing to lay down your life for your friends?
You're probably willing to lay down your life for your mother
your father, or your best friends
But are you willing to lay down your life for even those that hate you?
I'm going to tell you who did that
The definition of love is Jesus Christ. He is love
The nails in his hands, the thorns in his brow
Hanging on a cross for your sin my sins
That is love he died for you and me while we still hated him
That is love
God is true love, and if you don't know this love
Now is the time to know, perfect love

Chorus

home winter 2009 day 1

2009-12-12T22:02:00.000-08:00

got home round 7 w/ parents away doing something and end up having to take care of my youngest bro. ended up fun tho. talked to other younger brother and played brawl w/ both of 'em.

parents get home round 10. had to move my car so they can park their car into the garage. backed up too far and got onto a curb. couldn't see it. it was too dark. nothing happened to the car.

dad scolds me telling me that I should've seen it cuz my right side view mirror goes down and lets me see my back corner.

I respond saying dat it was too dark for me to see anything.

He retorts saying "I have to see it"

I snap back saying "I can't see it!"

I snap at my mom too b/c she was questioning a scratch dat I couldn't see from where I was standing.

Once I got a look, I said idk.

Haven't gotten a hug from them. They're avoiding me? I think.

eff! what an awesome start! :( :( :( :'(

How the heck am I going to survive 3 weeks?

community of grace

2009-11-29T19:26:00.000-08:00

I realized this weekend that I can not encourage anyone when they perform that it'll be okay if they mess up and that there is no pressure if that person is not a part of a community of grace.

realizing that breaks my heart. It made me sad seeing people practice and performing just to give a good performance. It made me sad seeing people perform making perfect bulletins so as not to have one blemish when people look at this one aspect of the church.

i couldn't do anything to encourage anyone, to relieve any pressures b/c saying it'll be ok if they mess up or that thing's don't have to be perfect would be a lie since my home church does not seem to be a community of grace but instead of performance and shame.

sad. I wish i could do something but only thing i see that could change things is to open the eyes of the whole congregation at once b/c it does not seem to work individually b/c no matter what i say, what they will experience will still be performance and pressure and shame.

sigh...

emotions

2009-11-28T02:18:00.000-08:00

my dad was/is emotionally distant. He doesn't care much for emotions. He is just not a very emotional person, feelings are not high up on his list for reason to do things and stuff.

All he wants is us to be happy. For people to be happy. When people or I am not happy he wonders in a confused look why can't I just be happy. He sometimes even gets frustrated when people aren't happy.

I realized this even more today. This fact, this reality makes me sad.

it is hard for me to finish this blog right now. I just don't know where I'm going with this.

I want my dad to know me. All of me, including my emotions and the reasons for my emotions and accept and understand them.

I wonder if my dad is emotionally healthy...I hope he is...

I love my dad. (big statement for me...don't know if I could say that during or before my freshman year)

crossroads

2009-11-22T23:57:00.001-08:00

oh man...went to crossroads '09 conference in so cal this past weekend and it was just...oh man. it was just 1st of all really awesome to be able to rest, be spoiled by the staff, and just able to focus on God and think about things. Think about my life, my future, God's will, Davis Epic, Epic worldwide, and etc.

One of the principles I learned this weekend is that following/discerning God's will is not getting the solution to life's problems or answers to specific questions on what to do after I graduate but it's all about how I do things and that I bear good fruit, know God better, and be thankful.

Learning/Being reminded of this gives a lot more freedom in my choice, especially knowing that I don't have to get it right the first time, but it also gives a lot more freedom so...I still gotta figure things out. good thing i'm a 3rd year. :-P

which leads to my next point. being a 3rd year and going to this conference does clear things up and how to finish up my college years in terms of following His will while I'm in college and that is continuing to bear good fruit, knowing Him better, and being thankful of what He has done, and is doing in me and through me.

i also learned that there are Muslims in this world that not only are unable to hear the gospel as much as we do and aren't very receptive to it but they also do not have the freedom to accept Christ if they choose to because of their culture.

and that broke my heart and frustrated me b/c we are in a country where we are able to freely share the gospel on campus where there are ppl dat are more receptive than the average person in the world and these ppl are free to accept Christ if they choose to and yet we do so little.

I am excited tho, that we in Davis Epic are doing a lot more than last year with 11:33, Sac State, UCSC, and evangelism training but I wonder where our hearts are at considering the lost and also just how long are we goign to keep this up. I really hope we are just warming up and are going to be a light on this campus, the surrouding Sac area, California, and the rest of the Earth not just this quarter or this year or till I graduate but until this whole world is reached out to, until the Great Commission is fulfilled and Jesus comes down to Earth for the 2nd time.

I want to see and for us to experience just how mighty to save our Saviour is. (we sang the song Mighty to Save after we learned bout the Muslims). I pray that God shows just how mighty to save He is and that He has conquered the grave to us and the rest of the world through us and other laborers He is sending.

Let us be 100% sent. "Let the whole world see, We're singing for the glory of the risen King" Shine your Light Jesus, to us and through us.

heart for the lost

2009-11-09T00:32:00.000-08:00

right now, when I think about the lost, those who do not know Christ and are going to go to hell when they die or when Christ comes, when I think about them, especially the ones I'm close to, my heart breaks and I want to cry.

is this what it means to have a heart for the lost? to grieve for the lost?

if it is, I hope and pray that the breakage of my heart for them continues and is ever present. I pray that it never ceases and that I also take the initiative, being empowered by the Holy Spirit, to preach the gospel to them in every opportunity I have and leave the results to God.

family

2009-11-06T23:41:00.000-08:00

thinking about my family makes my heart break and me cry

I'm tired continued

2009-10-21T01:20:00.000-07:00

I am feeling apathetic on everything. I can't get excited for anything at all. And it is frustrating me. It is making me really irritable.

I don't think I'm drained of anything but it's cuz i'm not on good terms w/ God so i'm not getting refueled. so i'm either bout to run on empty or I am empty.

It's so bad that I caught myself sometime last week about to minister to someone out of myself. Fortunately, I was able to catch myself be4 i started ministering and stopped the convo (which made me sad to do it cuz i haven't talked to this person for a while)

I don't think I should depend/wait on fall retreat but I can't wait for it. I hope I am able to find rest in God and also be willing to be still before God. I'm even excited to drive cuz for some reason, I can think/be at rest when I drive. I love driving...hehe.

I really don't know what I should be praying for or what my prayer request is. But I do want rest, I do want to be willing to be still and spend time w/ God, and I want to have that time w/ God.

Sorry for all the random thoughts and these two blogs of "complaing"/"pain"/w.e. but this is b/c I am not okay and I am slowly processing all of it.

Please bare with me as I go through all of this and I hope I am able to blog about this to the end so God may be glorified through all of this.

Thank you for reading, listening, and being there.

i'm tired

2009-10-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/18644-heavy-laden-at-a-party

Come to me all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30)

Do i trust in His yoke?

Am i able to come to Him?

Is my view of God big enough to trust that I will find rest, that His burden is light, that I can solely depend and lean on Him?

I'm scared of the pain, the hurt, I want to be protected from all of it, I want my friends to be protected from all of it but that is not what is promised.

But there will be a day when there is no more pain and no more tears.

I want that day to come now.

View of God

2009-10-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

I enter into the throne room. I walk towards the throne and stand a few feet away from it.

He is there standing in front of His throne. Arms wide open. He is shining. Glorious. Majestic. Holy.

I go down on my knees and bow down. Amazed. Humbled. Broken. Crying.

He walks to me. Lifts up my face and embraces me in His arms. He lifts me up, still in His arms.

I cry in His shoulders. Everything flows out. Tears from all the pain. Tears of joy. Everything.

This is what I see when I close my eyes and think of God. This is my view of God.

What do you see? Who is your God?

miserable

2009-09-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

wow...i'm quite miserable. and idk why i am.

help. please.

no basketball

2009-09-28T01:19:00.000-07:00

my body is the dwelling place of the Lord.
I need to stop deteriorating it.
I need to start taking care of it and start acting like it is a temple of the Lord.

so...goodbye basketball for a while...

basketball

2009-09-27T01:36:00.000-07:00

i've made so many stupid decisions. so many bad ones.
i can't play basketball like this. w/o any support, it's useless, it's just not the same.

want

2009-09-22T01:34:00.001-07:00

i want to see God.
i want to see Him move. not just this week but this whole year. not just in Davis but the whole world.
i want to be in awe.
i want to have no choice but to be on my knees when i pray/praise/think and then be able to rise when He calls me b/c of His power and love.
i want to be focused on Him.
i want to trust Him.
i want God to be glorified, His kingdom to come, and His will to be done.

naked

2009-09-13T00:45:00.000-07:00

i was raised to perform. i was raised to wear a mask.
i was raised to have a habit of hiding the bad parts of me and show the good parts of me.
at most times, i'm scared of people really knowing me because i dont want people to leave or reject me.
but I have Christ. and He wants it all. He wants me to reveal all.

what if, what if i come to you ( body of believers) naked, vulnerable, transparent, the true struggling, selfish, hot tempered, begging, needy, etc. Gabe? would you accept me?

why? it's too much

2009-09-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

why am i going thru all this? why is there so much pain? there's so much...i can't take this.

why God? why is this happening? why are You taking me thru this? it's so much.

tell me why. why now and why this? i just don't understand.

no such thing as perfect people

2009-09-02T23:22:00.000-07:00

Perfect People by Natalie Grant

Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

[CHORUS:]
There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you've been
And you never have to go there again

[CHORUS]

Who lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections
So look up and see love. Let grace be enough

[CHORUS]

By a perfect God [5x]

Be changed by a perfect God
Be changed

Seriously, we put faces and act so we look like we are perfect. even our parents expect us to be perfect and we fall into that lie and we live our lives trying not to disappoint them. and i am hecka tired of this.

when will parents realize there is no such thing as perfect people and stop pressuring us to be perfect?

when will we children realize there is no such thing as perfect people and stop believing this lie and break under this pressure and destroy ourselves by being emotionally healthy or things?

when will we all realize that there is a perfect God that we can look up to as a model ( a perfect model) instead of looking for what the world tells us to be?

when will we realize that only this perfect God can change us?

freedom

2009-08-31T02:11:00.000-07:00

i want to live as a free person. free from any attachments to the world, to gifts from God, to pain, to fear, to basketball, to people, to people's opinions, to status, to anything. to be free. to act upon the freedom given to me.

i want to trust. to trust God with everything. to give Him my all. to be okay with all the mystery and be okay with the waiting and be willing to wait patiently and actively.

i want to be humbled, to be broken, to be free from judgment of people and to be free from judging people.

i want all of this. i am so far from all of this. so much room to grow. and it will take a lot of time. i will be patient (no matter how much i need to work to be patient).

next year is probably gonna contain a lot of growing up for me and for people. it's gonna be so different. different people= different dynamics. and it just hit me how different it's gonna be with seniors moving out and stuff. it's scary. i'm scared but i'm excited.

i want God! i want Jesus! there is nothing else I need. I love Jesus! Jesus, You are enough! set me free! thank you for freeing me. thank you for freedom. may i make use of my freedom.

may You be glorified and Your name be known and Your good, pleasing, and perfect will be done in all our lives as it is in heaven.

gah!

2009-08-25T01:33:00.001-07:00

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is so stupid!!!!
i am so hating this right now
eff!
y the heck do i have to deal with this?

i just wish it could just be over. i thought it would be over already.

stupid sin.

praise

2009-08-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

God is bigger than the air i breathe. God is bigger than all my circumstances. God is bigger than I. God is bigger than my strengths. God is AMAZINGLY BIG. God is more powerful than I can ever imagine. and yet...

He died for me. He rose again for me. He poured out His blood for me. He redeemed me. He freed me. He saved me. He reconciled with me. and...

He did all this for YOU too! and...

He listens to my prayers. He answers my prayers. He loves me. and YOU too!

I am His beloved. I am His. I am chosen. I am His heir. and so are you if you have chosen Christ.

the weight of all this praise amazingly outweighs all my problems, makes it all insignificant. even the problems of this fallen world, the hurts of this fallen world, the pain of this fallen world, the hate of this fallen world, everything! is just insignificant compared to who He is and what He has done, is doing, and will do in me, through me, in my friends, through my friends, and in this world!

Lord, I pray that I may give you my all and entrust to You all of me, I pray that I am able to cling onto You and Your hope b/c You do not disappoint and Your hope does not disappoint. Lord, may your glorious kingdom come! and our knees bend before You! May we trust in and discern Your good, pleasing, and perfect will and may Your will be done on earth, on the U.S., on California, on Nor Cal, on UC Davis, in Epic, in my life as it is in heaven.

sweetly broken

2009-08-14T03:29:00.000-07:00

Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle. it's a song. it's also the title of this blog and my blogspot.

there's just something to this song that makes me think and sometimes makes me sad and few times has made me tear up. the lyrics are quite powerful. even the title is enough.

i am and truly aim to continue to be sweetly broken in front of the cross and kneel amazed by God's works and just plainly God Himself.

this is why i love this song and why it is the name of my blogspot.

who am i?

2009-08-10T01:45:00.000-07:00

hehe...listening to ray playing tenth avenue north songs right now. he's so awesome. makes thinking easier too. but yea...

why do i still look for worth in my friends? why do i still look for comfort in my friends? why?

i know this way doesn't work. i know God is my source of comfort and worth. i know i am never alone b/c love is here, God is here. but i seem to have lost who i am.

i mean i know and believe that i am God's and i am beloved and all that. but i just don't know who He has made me to be anymore. who am i? it's like i lost my sense of worth. almost like i'm lost too.

i think this is why i've just been so off lately and having a short fuse. and i'm guessing it's also cuz i feel so trapped w/ my legs/knees being the way they are.

i feel lonely, i feel desperate, i feel confused. i feel burdened.

who am i? when the heck can i start acting like the person I am made to be?

eff

2009-08-09T01:12:00.000-07:00

what the heck is wrong with me? i feel so much anger. like i'm going to blow up any minute. there is so something wrong with me right now but idk wat. something is totally bothering me deep inside. just so much hatred/anger/rage in me. i hate it.

excuse my languange but fuck! this freaking sucks! its bullshit! i'm back in Davis with my community, with my "family", and yet i have pent up anger in me. its stupid!

i need to spend time with God. i need a quiet time. haha. quiet. something i just need period.

i wanna change

2009-07-26T00:25:00.000-07:00

i can change...i can change...i can change...right?

for sures i am a new creation. the old has gone. i know this. and i'm free from sin. i am no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness.

but why the eff does old gabe keep on reappearing? y does old gabe keep on winning, resulting in me falling into temptation and sinning?

i freaking want to change. to change the fact dat i keep on losing. to change the fact dat sometimes i don't have the desire to fight.

i have the ability to win. I got God on my side. but i don't do anything. i just lose. and i wanna freaking change dat! i wanna trust God. i wanna change and stop failing. i'm losing and i'm hating it. i don't like to lose but that's all i keep on doing.

God! help me! help me change! help me trust You! let me see/know what trusting You looks like! give me the desire and will to fight!...please... :'( ...

this war is real, this war hurts

2009-07-19T23:52:00.000-07:00

learned today from reading "Wild at Heart" which also referenced "The Screwtape Letters" that guilt, that beating myself up, is obviously not healthy but also that its from Satan, it's one of his tactics, to make things bigger than it is and to lose oneself from the truth.

sadly, i struggle w/ beating myself up. just today, i also learned that i've been passive aggressive and weasely to my parents on the subject of them wanting to go up w/ me to Davis on Aug. 2.

at first I did not know if i wanted them to come up but I was acting like I didn't want them to w/o really saying it. but now, I want them to come up. but I also beated myself up to a point where I became weak and vulnerable to temptation and more of Satan's attack.

but thanks to the grace of God, I was able to reach out to my community and was able to have truth be told to me so i could resist temptation and pray so that I can grasp the big picture, the truth, and cling to it.

this whole experience, while I'm still trying to stand and fight again, is very enlightening. I've just gotten a bigger sense of understanding for what community is for and i love community esp. my community God has given me even more.

and I also learned that this war is real and not just in the spiritual realm. boy was i wrong thinking that this war was really in the spiritual realm and not taking it seriously but its time to say NO! this war is happening inside me and all around. and this war hurts. this war creates wounds. there will be battles i will win and battles i will lose but I got Christ on my side and my "band of brothers" fighting alongside me. and this war's end has been written and we will be victorious!

boy am i happy that my eyes are even more open to the truth and the way things really are around me. and now, since i'm even more aware of all this, it's time to prepare for war and fight and bring alongside my "band of brothers" and open the eyes of those who are not aware yet.

time to put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6: 10-18) my community, my "band of brothers" (includes both my brothers and sisters in Christ ). please be ready so that you won't be like me and lose so many battles and feel so weak and vulnerable and continue to fail. God bless. :)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17.

family vacation

2009-07-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

today i just got back from taking a trip to seattle/vancouver with my family for vacation. the trip was from monday morning to friday morning.

the trip contained a various mix of feelings and events that has put me in a place where i can not tell if it was an awesome trip, a horrible trip, an ok trip, etc.

(one thing is for sure tho, i loved summer seattle weather)

i can say that i enjoyed being a tourist and looking around the sights of seattle and enjoying the mixture of city-like views and nature views. it was pretty awesome. vancouver was pretty cool too but i liked seattle better. :D

so the cities i visited were just fine but the family part was the confusing part.

it was a mix of confusion, frustration, apathy, sadness, and joy.

confusion - various options given to us w/ me wanting my dad to plan it all so i can just go w/ the flow b/c i was tired of planning stuff. but the prob was dat my dad wanted us to plan which leads to frustration.

frustration 1- i am always the copilot. me and the gps giving my dad directions. problem is, my dad tends to second guess stuff when things throw a curveball. he even second guesses wat i say and wat i trust in the gps. it just lead to a lot of frustration on both parts b/c i didn't want to navigate anymore b/c of the lack of trust but my dad wanted me to do it cuz every1 else stinks. this leads to sadness.

frustration 2- my bros and my aunt wanted to just go w/ the flow kinda like me but my parents esp. my dad wanted us to choose where to go. well...it ended up dat my dad semi planned and it was enjoyable ( at least for me) but not for my dad. apparently he was frustrated dat we didnt plan ( the reason we didnt plan is usually we dislike wat he chooses) and he was thinking we were frustrated. this fact leads to apathy.

apathy- b/c i just wanted to go w/ the flow being tired from ministering and leading, i just plainly didn't care if my dad was frustrated or not. i just wanted to enjoy being w/ my fam checking out an awesome city.

sadness- w/ my dad second guessing me and basically not trusting in my directions and in wat i was saying, i grew extremely discouraged and sad. my dad didn't trust me. and that hurt. it really hurt.

happiness- save the good part for kinda last i guess. haha. i did have some fun w/ my fam. and it was awesome. period.

i wanna focus on the bad parts right now. cuz frustration and sadness usually completely ruin the trip for me from the very start these things surface but it didn't. it obviously brought my mood down but it didn't ruin everything. dat was suprising. but wats more surprising is that i was sad my dad didn't trust me b/c i wanted his approval and him not trusting me not only hurt me but apparently made me doubt who i am as a man.

but thx to God, i realize that I don't need his approval or his trust b/c God trusts me and approves of me and is pleased of me. i've been so dependent in looking for my answers and affirmation as a man in my father ( like any male does) and that needed to change. i need to look to God and i'm beginning to do that once again. it is hard tho but its worth it.

dang, this summer has been really about trusting God w/ everything and going to Him first as a sign of dependency on Him and focus on Him.

and all this also has made me think of the reason i blog. and i've come to a point where i say i blog so that God may be glorified in what I share of His work in me and through me and also that I can share my life to those that read this.

the search for significance

2009-07-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

i just finished reading the book called "the search for significance" by robert s. McGee

it is such an amazing book when read with the workbook and also a heart to not just to get through it but to examine oneself also.

man, who knew 4 small truths can be so big!

I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God
I am totally accepted by God
I am deeply loved by God
I am absolutely complete in Christ

the two that hit me the most are the 1st two. that I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God and totally accepted by God.

it just feels so free-ing being affirmed in these two again. i've lived a performance based life for so long it's so hard to give up those performance based habits of feeling good of myself when i meet certain standards or when people approve of me.

but that is so wrong. there is no standard to God being pleased with me, He is already fully pleased with me and that is enough. I do not need people to be pleased with me although i do struggle with this. esp. with my dad. oh how i long for him to be completely pleased with me.

i also don't need people to approve of me because God accepts completely and He has made me acceptable. that is enough.

this also means, I don't have to be scared of meeting new people. i'm usually scared to open up and meet new people b/c I'm scared of being hurt, of being rejected. but b/c I am accepted by God and He loves me and I am complete in Him and I am pleasing to Him, I don't have to be scared.

so i pray I am to be bold from now on. and I am able to trust on God and lean on Him. that I am able to be assured in Him, in the fact that He accepts me, He is pleased, He loves, and He completed me and not on people's opinions and not on my performance.

hate home

2009-07-07T00:51:00.001-07:00

i am hating home right now.

i just had a short convo w/ my dad about sin which involved me admitting that i do struggle w/ "something" and him asking me "y can't u just stop?"

it just left me feeling alone and lonely. and thinking that my dad is disgusted w/ me and what i struggle with.

it even shows cuz he changed the subject after he asked me how often i do fall and me lying to him saying "once in a while" he even fell asleep eventually.

this is lame. i'm feeling so sad. i want my community so bad. i don't want to be home right now.

2009-07-06T01:20:00.001-07:00

my church had a retreat this past thursday to saturday. it was ok...i think.

me and my partner was in charge of the youth program and there were some bumps but it was overall fun esp. when there were two church at the retreat.

i was able to hang out w/ some of the youth from my church and get to kno 'em a bit more but i've come to realize i really don't kno any of 'em except my partner really but i still dont kno him really well.

but i'm happy for this retreat and the time i got to spend with my friends at church cuz it's made me realize that i can have fun here at home and church and also have a healthy community at church.

i love serving the youth at my church but idk where to begin to teach them b/c they're so young in their faith. but i kno this, i love doing ministry in any form for the Lord. i really get refreshed and even sometimes get fed myself.

but oh boy, is God amazing. even when i dont prepare dat well for a lesson, God still works through the lesson. man, this year has been truly eye opening about God and how He can work in people and through people in so many different but relatable ways.

oh...one last thing...pray for me cuz lately sometimes i've been feeling like something is eating me up inside.

random spewing of my mind

2009-07-02T01:13:00.000-07:00

i am a failure. i know God wants to work in me and through me but i just walk away. i numb myself by following the desires of my body and ignore what God is doing.

but God is amazing. He continued to call me and pull me back these past few days as i tried to walk away. and oh man, is God strong. and as I am less numb to everything, I am more willing to fight and rely on God and let Him work in me and oh man is God's work amazing.

soo many hidden blessings through everyday things and also trials. soo many lessons.

oh how i wish i'm in davis right now so that I can be with my friends and my community and minister to them. but i'm stuck here in so cal, lost, not knowing what i'm supposed to do, who i'm supposed to minister to or serve, not knowing how.

i do feel lost. quite lost in many things. idk how i do get through stuff. it's pretty amazing. but man, each day, my heart continues to break, break for those who are hurting, those who are lost, my heart breaks for the people i'm around and those that i see.

i want to see/hear of hearts breaking, masks taken off, knees bent, people broken and vulnerable this summer, this next year, everyday, and especially this retreat that my church is having tomorrow till saturday.

each time i think of how much i want to see this and how much my heart breaks, i lean closer to a decision that i may have to make in a year or two.

question

2009-07-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

one question: what is the 1st thing that pops into your mind when you learn that some1 is a pastor's kid?

i'm curious and please post your opinions or tell me. thank you :)

P.S. maybe i'll post a real blog soon :) still not sure yet

mixed feelings

2009-06-27T22:49:00.000-07:00

i am surprised, anxious, scared, excited, happy, and nostalgic.

i wonder which one will take over when time comes.

Lord, I pray that Your will be done and for discernment and strength. may what I do be pleasing to You.

cardboard testimonies

2009-06-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

i'm loving cardboard testimonies. i already love hearing ppl's stories and stuff and cardboard testimonies are just a way to see how amazing God is and His wondrous work in ppl's lives around the world.

this one made me tear up/cry so much:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwpJeLSU-qQ

i can't believe it was only 3:35 long. it felt so much longer the 1st time i watched it during briefing.

random

2009-06-26T00:54:00.000-07:00

idk y...but i barely cry at movies now. i nvr cried be4 Davis, even those real sad movies.

at the time, i couldnt see why they were sad. the only reason i kno now is when i think back, i do see y it was so sad but it still doesnt make me wanna cry.

i get the sadness and y ppl would cry but i just don't.

am i just that desensitized to things? or at least was?

but yea...dat was just a random thought...but i do cry now...sometimes...and anyways...hannah brought up something bout her being raised in a 3rd world country and in poverty making her desensitized to the other ppl living in those countries. i buy it. i think i'm desensitized to them too. i see the poverty, the hardship, their search for joy and significance and i bet i see it more than a lot of ppl do cuz i was raised in all that but does my heart break like crazy? no, not really.
my heart breaks a lot more for a lot of other things and dat is sad. these r ppl i can relate to, these r ppl that went thru some of the same things as me and my heart doesn't break for 'em.

it's the same for other pastor's kids. instead of my heart breaking and reaching out to 'em. i wanna be reached out by them instead. and i wanna join in their anger/anguish instead of giving life to them and helping them heal.

i've gone through so much pain and hurt and i will go through more but i wish i didn't go through all that. i wish i had a happy family w/ barely any problems but i didn't. and now, i got baggage, some healed up, but still baggage. and this baggage enables me to relate to those who are also hurting. a blessing ppl say. and i agree. but dang, it is hecka hard and it's heavy. i am so glad that I am able to lay my burdens in front of God and rest. thank you Lord.

those were just some thoughts that i've had in my head but haven't been able to blog about till now. pretty random.

God's is up to something...

2009-06-22T01:03:00.000-07:00

i swear...God is up to something in my life...i haven't had so many thoughts constantly wander in my head and have me blog this much in a long long time.

haha...i'm still on the song "God of this City"...it's amazingly a better song than i thought and i already thought it was a good song...but seriously...think of the title...it's God of this city...He's God...we're not...no dur right?

but obviously it's not a given, at least for me it's not. i'll admit, i've been worried bout Davis Epic, things are changing and our staff team got smaller with still no female staff and i've been hoping for a huge solid studly freshmen class this year to make up for the seniors that graduated, not that any1 can ever replace 'em, and also give me a breath of relief for the future.

but according to this song, i've been waaaaay too worried. been dependent/relying on people, in forms of new ppl plugging into Epic of all years and also a female staff, instead of trusting God and relying on Him. seriously, He's God of Davis, not me, not people. should be trusting God in all of this. that Epic will grow and continue to be a light and the salt of UC Davis and Sac State and actually look for God to do things and not for people.

so Lord, I pray, that You move, that I look to You and for You for all aspects in my life.

oh, and I also read part of James 1 today and it was hecka interesting. James 1 is a lot on persevering through trials and stuff and today my eye just caught on verse 4, "And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" and also verse 12, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." and steadfastness means something like being firm in faith, being unwavering in faith.

and i was like daaaaaaang. if i think life is tough now and i can barely be patient waiting for things to unravel, i'm in for a huge surprise cuz this test is my whole life. but wat is encouraging is that i don't have to be perfect in my firmness of my faith now, cuz it's something that has to take its full effect so it's not completely on me but also God, which should have been a given but it's not.

to be truthful, i had to look up steadfastness when i got home ( i read James at church), and at church, i thought steadfastness was waiting cuz the passage was about persevering, obviously i was wrong but i also learned from my mistake...hehe. cuz at first i thought it meant to wait patiently, to let everything including the waiting process to take its full effect. so that mistake reminded me to be even more okay with waiting and also helped me to try to start waiting patiently cuz i hate waiting.

so yea, Lord, once again, I come and pray that I am able to trust You w/ everything I am, including my faith in You, and I lift up everything in my mind and heart to Your hands. I pray that I am able to patiently wait for Your will to be revealed and to be done.

P.S. seriously, I am expecting something to happen cuz I haven't thought this much since project. ( I think)

P.P.S. Epic is hecka short on raising support for summer project overall. if you read this and are able to financially support them, please contact those who you know are going to project and all those who read this, join me and others in prayer for all of 'em to finish support and also to be ready for their own respective projects and for God to work in their lives like crazy.

this day

2009-06-20T23:29:00.000-07:00

i went to irvine today! and also the project briefing! it was a lot of fun...used up a bit of money but it was worth it. best 13 hours of summer so far oustide of davis.

i just spent a couple hours hanging out w/ cindy cuz we were waiting for lunch and then i saw jeanine and other irvine ppl i kno at lunch which was pretty good. then we went back to their respective apartments and packed up their stuff into a couple of cars and drove the ones going to project to briefing.

at briefing, i saw a bunch of ppl i knew from EHSP '08 , Davis project kids, and also ppl i've met during the year. i wasn't able to get dinner w/ 'em cuz the DC was expensive and i couldn't get swiped in so i left and got dinner w/ jeanine and the other ppl dat were visiting.

after dinner, me and jeanine went back and joined their meeting which was hecka exciting and interesting. after the meeting, the project ppl had their own team times so me, jeanine, and russell entertained ourselves w/ the mics and stuff for like an hour and a half and just left cuz we were too tired and were not able to hang out w/ the project kids but its all good. hopefully i get to come back on tuesday before they leave.

but yeah, on the way home, i was thinking ( probably not a good idea while driving) and i realized dat i learned a bunch of stuff during the meeting.

i learned that joy really comes in when loving God and trusting God comes together. I thought that was pretty awesome and that project is all about trusting God w/ every lil bit of detail and dats supposed to prepare us to trust God w/ every lil bit of detail of ourlives and I don't do that a lot. I really worry a lot and try to wonder what God's will is instead of trusting that His will will be done and that everything is in control and there is no need to worry.

also realized that i'm really excited for the people going to project this year and those who are in project right now, and i am going to pray for them like no other and hopefully continously until this moment in their lives is over.

oh! and there was this one video on "Q.A.S. (Quiet Asian Syndrome)", it was pretty funny but i wonder if we were laughing not only b/c it was pretty funny but also to make ourselves believe that it is comical and not dat big of a problem. but the truth is, that it is a huge problem and its not gonna fix itself. i'm not saying i didnt laugh either, cuz i did, but i'd say some part of me was laughing to numb the relativity of the video to my life, cuz honestly, i've lived with Q.A.S. all my life and had it myself and sometimes the syndrome does come back and i become quiet. its the truth, it sucks, but asians tend to be too quiet and have this so called syndrome. (it's not a real doctoral syndrome to my knowledge)

and there was also this time of sharing, where the students were sharing in front of the whole group their story of how they got to this point of going to project and it seemed like the subject of still raising support was not shared. like, all the ppl dat were sharing was how they got called to go to project or how God provided but none of God still providing. i was pretty sad there wasn't cuz i'm sure some ppl were worried and discouraged and i'm pretty sure if some1 came up and shared that they arent dont w/ raising support, not to have a pity party but to encourage and testify to the fact that God will provide and is faithful, it would really help those who are discouraged b/c they havent raised their full support yet. oh wells.

one last thing, this is one long blog, sorry, but there's a lot on my mind. but anyways, on the way home, the song "God of this City" was playing, and i'm just beginning to learn the heart behind the lyrics and why A.K. chose to have dat song played at the end of project. it was cuz this song is an encouraging song and also a song of thankfulness and gratefulness. i can't think of an way to explain this except to show it.

so here goes, and this goes out to all the graduates and those leaving Davis or any ministry, thank you for all the work and service you have done for the Lord and for the city you were in, and to you i also say, GREATER THINGS ARE STILL TO BE DONE b/c GOD IS GOD OF ALL THESE CITIES, so thank you and even greater things will be done through the Lord. :)

P.S. i really need to work on titles

home

2009-06-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

i realize i get hungry a lot! not just for physical food but for spiritual food, i get really hungry for God. especially when i'm at home.

i don't think much at home, i really just go through the motions a lot when i'm home and it sucks. i constantly feel something is missing or drained when i'm not enganged in anything that makes me think about God.

all this is just making me realize, i really need to be more intentional on spending time w/ God and also being a good son to my parents. because i suck at reading the Bible, I really do. and helping my parents throw the trash or do the dishes isnt part of the motions i go through. I really need to be intentional on all of this.

I'm happy I already did these a few times but dang, I really gotta think to do it. it's so not natural. I find it pretty sad and frustrating.

in other news, i really miss a lot of people, especially those that I haven't talked to in a while. and i'm excited to go to irvine tomorrow. oh!...and i really need to figure out what to do for Father's day.

one year

2009-06-16T00:13:00.001-07:00

wow...it's been a year since I got on a plane to Hawaii for the Epic Hawaii Summer Project of '08.
Been through so much since then and God has showed and taught me many things in this past year. it's been for sure a trip, especially on project but for some reason, i dont know what i'm feeling. but one thing is for sure, I'm hecka being reflective right now and only one thing comes out, God is freaking amazing and good.

These are just some things God taught me on that trip and this past school year:
- I was bitter against my parents especially my dad
- I needed to learn how to give grace to my parents and to others
- I need to see and accept both the good and the bad of people.
- Learned to tell the truth and give grace to my parents ( and the results have been amazing)
- Trust that God is in control of things and that His will is good, pleasing, and perfect
- God doesn't need me to do His work cuz He can do so much better.
- When God does use me, it's such a privilege
- God is working in people's lives with or without me.
- God has already planned all my good works for Him
- I still need to take the 1st step to get to know people and be the one that is vulnerable first
- My love languages affect my relationship w/ God a lot more than I thought.

Man, there are so many things but above all, I learned bout the power of grace and just how big God really is.

Hawaii was amazing, project was amazing, my ohana is amazing, but nothing compares to God and what He had planned for me for this whole past year exclamating my experience last summer. I thank God for all of this, and I thank for those who supported me to Hawaii, and I thank my ohana and my friends who were a part of this past year, walking with me and for being there. I miss you my ohana, the graduates, and my Davis Epic community and I thank you all.