Here am I

If not me, then who? I am here God. I am here! send me! Send me to those who need to hear! Send me God!

I have a huge heart for those who I love and I always want to be there for them. May I have that heart for the lost. For those who need to hear! I always feel disappointed and sad and useless and powerless and angry when I am not able to be there for my friends. May I feel those things when I am not able to be there for those who are lost. Send me God! May I be able to say, here am I! Here am I!

Break my heart for the lost God. Have your gospel penetrate my whole being so I may have a desire to tell others about you, to have others experience you. Send me God. Send me. I am here.

Safe

The past 6 weeks have gone by so fast.

Things have just been a crazy tornado ever since I graduated and moved back home.

It's been filled with crazy family health stuff, family responsibilities, transitioning, processing leaving and transitioning, church responsibilities, MPD, learning about and processing MPD, growing. and probably some other stuff I've missed.

Things have just been so crazy and I'm just realizing that I've just been going and going and things were just a blur. I barely stopped to enjoy moments.

And I feel like I missed a lot. I definitely miss God because my relationship with Him has definitely been put in the back burner. Not saying that I've completely neglected Him but it's definitely have had a lower priority.

What I also realize is that although I've had times where I'm spending a lot less overall time with Him in the past than I have recently, because I have become more mature and more hungry for Him and realized just how much I need and love Him, I feel a lot worse than I have in the past. ( I hope that made sense).

Another consequence of things moving so fast and being so crazy is that I haven't felt a thing or at least barely felt. I mean I knew I was overwhelmed and scared and sad and anxious and worried and stressed and all those things but I didn't really have time to feel or express those feelings.

Only until recently that while watching Garden State with Hannah Piol was my heart able to like catch up with the crazyness and be put in process and feel mode. And I finally cried. After 6 weeks of craziness I finally cried for what was going on with my family and how I felt about all of it.

Garden State had a message that home was an idea and the final idea of home was of feeling safe. That home is wherever the main character felt safe.

I mention this b/c I realize that I finally was able to feel b/c I finally felt it was safe enough. Safe enough for me in a safe enough environment where I know I am loved and known and understood and I can experience all of that directly instantaneously.

I finally felt safe. And as a result, I finally cried and started to process.

Things are still crazy and things are still going fast but I'm finally able to stop, feel, process, and live life. I've been just surviving for the past 6 weeks and now I want to live and I'm beginning to live.

I pray that I don't stop feeling and processing and living. I really don't wanna stop. It sucks. It feels so lonely and makes me think I'm alone.

I miss God and I miss living life. And I hope that when I move back home, somehow I can feel safe enough through my dependence on God and the Spirit and the support of the people who love me and know me to feel and live life as I create a community at home where I can feel safe when I am around that community.

I pray that I don't stop praying b/c that is the only way I can satisfy my hunger, my thirst, and the holes in my heart. Because only God can satisfy all of it. Only God can fully satisfy me. Only through prayer can I be fully dependent on God and the Spirit and take action to feel safe through the support of my friends and to take risks to feel and live life.

I love praying. I miss it. I love life. I miss it. I love feeling. I miss it. I love God. I miss Him.

Lord, I miss you and enjoying life and living life. I just miss things period. May I no longer go forward and have moments w/o you. I need you. I love you. Shine your light and fill me up. Be intimate with me and make me feel safe. Amen.

bittersweet

bittersweet.

things are bittersweet right now.

in all reality, I'm coming back up here in July and then leaving in August but it feels and I act like I'm leaving tomorrow instead.

It all feels bittersweet.

I'm excited for the future and to intern with Epic in LA next year.

I'm sad to leave and to be far away and to say goodbye to my closest friends. Those who I know and am known by. Those who I wish and hope to be my lifelong friends.

It is all bittersweet.

I love them/you all and I'm going to miss them/you all.

God is good and His will is pleasing, perfect, and good. I hope that this and so much more of what is said of Him in His word is true.

I really do hope so.

It's the only thing that I can only hope in. It's the only thing that makes all of this ok and will be ok in the future.

So in hopes of having a better outlook on things while still letting all the emotions take its course and an act of faith in the trust/hope I have in God and His Word and His plans:

I propose a toast with all of you, To our futures, keeping in touch with one another, being friends when we grow up, growing old together, being invited to each other's weddings, and so on and what God has in store for each one of us!

Hopefully we get to do this toast in person and not just a blog entry.

things to do

wah! so many things to do! actually struggling to manage my time for once...sigh...

•  servant team meetings
•  discipling two people
•  being discipled
•  phone call with support coach
•  support raising
• write letters
• send letters
• make phone calls
• follow up with people
• outline presentation
• meet up with people
• send thank you cards
• make appointments
• school
• close bank account
• find sub-leaser for summer possibly
• large group
• small group
• DC sharing
• ticket paying
• processing
• leaving
• letting go
• feelings
• ending well
• reconciliation
• thinking about decisions
• going to Indonesia with Dad
• overall support raising schedule
• find a sub-leader or not
• taking car to the shop
• set up staff e-mail
• other necessities and errands

sigh...there are possibly more...I can't believe I'm starting to think about not having a Sabbath but that isn't an option at all. I need my Sabbath to get refreshed so I can do the things I am doing. But I am getting so tired and drained so quickly now. sigh.  I need more time. I would love a day to just be able to run errands and think about decisions to make. Or like have support raising take care of itself. Or I can just hermit myself. I don't like that option though.

Possibly for the first time I am going to need a calendar/written schedule. But that's not gonna change how tired I am and freaked out I am.

Life needs a pause button or like needs to stop being frustrating and things need to stop be being messy. Sigh.

I am just ranting so I am going to stop now.

to jump or not to jump?

I almost drowned two times while growing up.

The first time happened when I was 5. The deep end didn't look so deep so I walked to it from the shallow end. I slipped and started drowning, luckily I was near an edge and was able to hold on till someone noticed me and saved me.

Because of that first time, I was afraid to swim. When I was like 8 or 9, maybe 10, my parents had me have swimming lessons. On the first day, I was told to jump into the pool which was 3 and a half feet. I was clearly taller than the depth of the pool but I was still afraid.

I eventually jumped and started learning how to swim. Then while playing marco polo at a pool with my brother and a friend, I somehow made it to the deep end while blind by walking on some edge underwater. But then I unknowingly stepped off the edge and started drowning. That was the second time I drowned.

Ever since then I'm afraid of drowning, afraid of deep waters and waters of unknown depth. But for some reason, this fear has not kept me from swimming toward the deep end of a pool or go farther into the ocean to join my friends who are having fun. And the more I join them and have fun with them and experience joy and belonging, the less I hesitate to go to the deep end. I still don't jump into the deep end but I will swim there.

This is how I see how I am doing a bit right now:

There's a pool with all my friends which I used to enjoy with them. Dreaming, hoping, having fun, and enjoying life, the pool, God and His blessings. But one day I started drowning and got scared to go into the pool. And I was able to overcome that fear a little and start willing to try out the pool but ended up drowning again.

Now I'm scared to even go into the pool. Just standing on the side, seeing my friends and longing to join them and have fun. I stand, scared, knowing that it is good, it is fun, it is what I need and I tell people also to jump. To dream, hope, enjoy, have fun. But I do not join. I don't jump in. I'm too scared to.

I stay outside b/c I am scared that I would drown again. To have the enjoyment be taken away by drowning. I stay outside because I know it is safe. I know what will and will not happen to me by the side of the pool. I am missing out but I at least feel safe and in control.

to jump or not to jump? that is the question.

another analogy would be:

there's a green field with a huge shady tree next to a stream. The scenery is so peaceful and I am under the tree enjoying all of it, enjoying God and praising Him and being thankful for His blessings.

Then a storm hits. Winds blow hard. Thunder blows. Lightning strikes. The waters fierce. I get scared and run to hide. Hiding from all the scary things and holding on to what I know is safe.

The storm finally ends and the peaceful scenery comes back. But I am still cowering in the corner, hiding. Scared to enjoy the peace, enjoy the blessings. Afraid that the storm will come back and I will have to run again and "lose" my hope, my joy.

I stay in the corner because I know the storm will not affect me. I know what is coming to me. I know I am safe although miserable, scared, and missing out.

to go out or not to go out? that is the question.

sigh. I want to jump. I want to go out. It takes faith to do it. It takes a focus and a taking refuge of the good memories to do it. I want to. I'm going to try to jump, to go out. I hope I will follow through. Help me God to have faith, to take refuge.

the end?

it's basically the end of the winter quarter of my senior year in Davis. My last year in Davis.

In about 2 weeks and a half, the last quarter of my collegiate career, my last quarter in Davis will start.

I can't believe it. It's almost been 4 years. Time has gone by so fast.

This is not the way I wanted by senior year to be.

I do not want to end my time in Davis like this.

This is not the way I want things to be emotionally and relationally. I did and do not want to have gone through all of this pain, struggle, insecurities, and so much more emotionally and relationally this year.

I do not want to be where I want to leave Davis as soon as I can so I just can escape pain and painful memories.

I do not want to say goodbye this way. Even more, I do not want to say goodbye at all to some people. I want to end my senior year with a bang. With joy. With happiness. With gratefulness. With thankfulness. With satisfaction. I want to have those who I am closest to now to be my lifelong friends.

I want these friends, these people, these brothers and sisters, to be my lifelong friends. Those who I know and am known by.

I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to desire to escape Davis. I didn't want my senior year to be like this. I don't want to be like this right now. This is not what I wanted emotionally and relationally.

Good thing I have another quarter right? Right? Right? I hope so...

God this is my heart and you know there is so much more that I am aware of and there is even more than that that I am not aware of. Lord help me to trust you and believe that You are good to me. That I am not alone and that it is good for You to be in control. May I trust in You, believe in Your goodness, have joy in You, and find peace in You. Above all, let me be me, let me be Gabe, and continue to make me into who You have made me to be and make me aware of what You are doing, of who I am, of who You are, and the great awesome things You have in store for me not just in Heaven but now as well. Be glorified O Lord and reveal your majesty and glory. Amen.

Help...

struggling

I am hurting, I am insecure, I currently don't know where I belong, I sometimes/a lot of times feel left out, I am struggling, I am weak, I feel hopeless at times, I feel needy a lot of times, I am grieving, I am frustrated, I am lost, I am not okay.

I am afraid to show or express these things.

I just keep thinking or hearing that people will be disappointed in me, that it is a burden to my closest friends and that it tires them out. That they would prefer to just hear that I'm okay. That they don't want to see this part of me. They want to see the strong secure Gabe. That the weak insecure Gabe is not worth their time and energy, no more like it is too much for them and they can't handle it. And that it frustrates them to see me so weak and insecure and so needy and whatnot.

God please do something. I don't want to be all these things anymore. I don't want to burden my friends. I don't want to hide from them either, in fact I can't not hide and that hurts them. I don't want to hurt my friends anymore God. I want to be strong for them. I want to be there for them. I don't want to burden them anymore God.

Help me trust you. Help me choose you to define me and justify me. It not only hurts me but as well as my friends when I'm not choosing you. So please heal me and save me. I don't want to be insecure anymore.