i am surprised, anxious, scared, excited, happy, and nostalgic.
i wonder which one will take over when time comes.
Lord, I pray that Your will be done and for discernment and strength. may what I do be pleasing to You.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
cardboard testimonies
i'm loving cardboard testimonies. i already love hearing ppl's stories and stuff and cardboard testimonies are just a way to see how amazing God is and His wondrous work in ppl's lives around the world.
this one made me tear up/cry so much:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwpJeLSU-qQ
i can't believe it was only 3:35 long. it felt so much longer the 1st time i watched it during briefing.
this one made me tear up/cry so much:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwpJeLSU-qQ
i can't believe it was only 3:35 long. it felt so much longer the 1st time i watched it during briefing.
random
idk y...but i barely cry at movies now. i nvr cried be4 Davis, even those real sad movies.
at the time, i couldnt see why they were sad. the only reason i kno now is when i think back, i do see y it was so sad but it still doesnt make me wanna cry.
i get the sadness and y ppl would cry but i just don't.
am i just that desensitized to things? or at least was?
but yea...dat was just a random thought...but i do cry now...sometimes...and anyways...hannah brought up something bout her being raised in a 3rd world country and in poverty making her desensitized to the other ppl living in those countries. i buy it. i think i'm desensitized to them too. i see the poverty, the hardship, their search for joy and significance and i bet i see it more than a lot of ppl do cuz i was raised in all that but does my heart break like crazy? no, not really.
my heart breaks a lot more for a lot of other things and dat is sad. these r ppl i can relate to, these r ppl that went thru some of the same things as me and my heart doesn't break for 'em.
it's the same for other pastor's kids. instead of my heart breaking and reaching out to 'em. i wanna be reached out by them instead. and i wanna join in their anger/anguish instead of giving life to them and helping them heal.
i've gone through so much pain and hurt and i will go through more but i wish i didn't go through all that. i wish i had a happy family w/ barely any problems but i didn't. and now, i got baggage, some healed up, but still baggage. and this baggage enables me to relate to those who are also hurting. a blessing ppl say. and i agree. but dang, it is hecka hard and it's heavy. i am so glad that I am able to lay my burdens in front of God and rest. thank you Lord.
those were just some thoughts that i've had in my head but haven't been able to blog about till now. pretty random.
at the time, i couldnt see why they were sad. the only reason i kno now is when i think back, i do see y it was so sad but it still doesnt make me wanna cry.
i get the sadness and y ppl would cry but i just don't.
am i just that desensitized to things? or at least was?
but yea...dat was just a random thought...but i do cry now...sometimes...and anyways...hannah brought up something bout her being raised in a 3rd world country and in poverty making her desensitized to the other ppl living in those countries. i buy it. i think i'm desensitized to them too. i see the poverty, the hardship, their search for joy and significance and i bet i see it more than a lot of ppl do cuz i was raised in all that but does my heart break like crazy? no, not really.
my heart breaks a lot more for a lot of other things and dat is sad. these r ppl i can relate to, these r ppl that went thru some of the same things as me and my heart doesn't break for 'em.
it's the same for other pastor's kids. instead of my heart breaking and reaching out to 'em. i wanna be reached out by them instead. and i wanna join in their anger/anguish instead of giving life to them and helping them heal.
i've gone through so much pain and hurt and i will go through more but i wish i didn't go through all that. i wish i had a happy family w/ barely any problems but i didn't. and now, i got baggage, some healed up, but still baggage. and this baggage enables me to relate to those who are also hurting. a blessing ppl say. and i agree. but dang, it is hecka hard and it's heavy. i am so glad that I am able to lay my burdens in front of God and rest. thank you Lord.
those were just some thoughts that i've had in my head but haven't been able to blog about till now. pretty random.
Monday, June 22, 2009
God's is up to something...
i swear...God is up to something in my life...i haven't had so many thoughts constantly wander in my head and have me blog this much in a long long time.
haha...i'm still on the song "God of this City"...it's amazingly a better song than i thought and i already thought it was a good song...but seriously...think of the title...it's God of this city...He's God...we're not...no dur right?
but obviously it's not a given, at least for me it's not. i'll admit, i've been worried bout Davis Epic, things are changing and our staff team got smaller with still no female staff and i've been hoping for a huge solid studly freshmen class this year to make up for the seniors that graduated, not that any1 can ever replace 'em, and also give me a breath of relief for the future.
but according to this song, i've been waaaaay too worried. been dependent/relying on people, in forms of new ppl plugging into Epic of all years and also a female staff, instead of trusting God and relying on Him. seriously, He's God of Davis, not me, not people. should be trusting God in all of this. that Epic will grow and continue to be a light and the salt of UC Davis and Sac State and actually look for God to do things and not for people.
so Lord, I pray, that You move, that I look to You and for You for all aspects in my life.
oh, and I also read part of James 1 today and it was hecka interesting. James 1 is a lot on persevering through trials and stuff and today my eye just caught on verse 4, "And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" and also verse 12, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." and steadfastness means something like being firm in faith, being unwavering in faith.
and i was like daaaaaaang. if i think life is tough now and i can barely be patient waiting for things to unravel, i'm in for a huge surprise cuz this test is my whole life. but wat is encouraging is that i don't have to be perfect in my firmness of my faith now, cuz it's something that has to take its full effect so it's not completely on me but also God, which should have been a given but it's not.
to be truthful, i had to look up steadfastness when i got home ( i read James at church), and at church, i thought steadfastness was waiting cuz the passage was about persevering, obviously i was wrong but i also learned from my mistake...hehe. cuz at first i thought it meant to wait patiently, to let everything including the waiting process to take its full effect. so that mistake reminded me to be even more okay with waiting and also helped me to try to start waiting patiently cuz i hate waiting.
so yea, Lord, once again, I come and pray that I am able to trust You w/ everything I am, including my faith in You, and I lift up everything in my mind and heart to Your hands. I pray that I am able to patiently wait for Your will to be revealed and to be done.
P.S. seriously, I am expecting something to happen cuz I haven't thought this much since project. ( I think)
P.P.S. Epic is hecka short on raising support for summer project overall. if you read this and are able to financially support them, please contact those who you know are going to project and all those who read this, join me and others in prayer for all of 'em to finish support and also to be ready for their own respective projects and for God to work in their lives like crazy.
haha...i'm still on the song "God of this City"...it's amazingly a better song than i thought and i already thought it was a good song...but seriously...think of the title...it's God of this city...He's God...we're not...no dur right?
but obviously it's not a given, at least for me it's not. i'll admit, i've been worried bout Davis Epic, things are changing and our staff team got smaller with still no female staff and i've been hoping for a huge solid studly freshmen class this year to make up for the seniors that graduated, not that any1 can ever replace 'em, and also give me a breath of relief for the future.
but according to this song, i've been waaaaay too worried. been dependent/relying on people, in forms of new ppl plugging into Epic of all years and also a female staff, instead of trusting God and relying on Him. seriously, He's God of Davis, not me, not people. should be trusting God in all of this. that Epic will grow and continue to be a light and the salt of UC Davis and Sac State and actually look for God to do things and not for people.
so Lord, I pray, that You move, that I look to You and for You for all aspects in my life.
oh, and I also read part of James 1 today and it was hecka interesting. James 1 is a lot on persevering through trials and stuff and today my eye just caught on verse 4, "And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" and also verse 12, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." and steadfastness means something like being firm in faith, being unwavering in faith.
and i was like daaaaaaang. if i think life is tough now and i can barely be patient waiting for things to unravel, i'm in for a huge surprise cuz this test is my whole life. but wat is encouraging is that i don't have to be perfect in my firmness of my faith now, cuz it's something that has to take its full effect so it's not completely on me but also God, which should have been a given but it's not.
to be truthful, i had to look up steadfastness when i got home ( i read James at church), and at church, i thought steadfastness was waiting cuz the passage was about persevering, obviously i was wrong but i also learned from my mistake...hehe. cuz at first i thought it meant to wait patiently, to let everything including the waiting process to take its full effect. so that mistake reminded me to be even more okay with waiting and also helped me to try to start waiting patiently cuz i hate waiting.
so yea, Lord, once again, I come and pray that I am able to trust You w/ everything I am, including my faith in You, and I lift up everything in my mind and heart to Your hands. I pray that I am able to patiently wait for Your will to be revealed and to be done.
P.S. seriously, I am expecting something to happen cuz I haven't thought this much since project. ( I think)
P.P.S. Epic is hecka short on raising support for summer project overall. if you read this and are able to financially support them, please contact those who you know are going to project and all those who read this, join me and others in prayer for all of 'em to finish support and also to be ready for their own respective projects and for God to work in their lives like crazy.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
this day
i went to irvine today! and also the project briefing! it was a lot of fun...used up a bit of money but it was worth it. best 13 hours of summer so far oustide of davis.
i just spent a couple hours hanging out w/ cindy cuz we were waiting for lunch and then i saw jeanine and other irvine ppl i kno at lunch which was pretty good. then we went back to their respective apartments and packed up their stuff into a couple of cars and drove the ones going to project to briefing.
at briefing, i saw a bunch of ppl i knew from EHSP '08 , Davis project kids, and also ppl i've met during the year. i wasn't able to get dinner w/ 'em cuz the DC was expensive and i couldn't get swiped in so i left and got dinner w/ jeanine and the other ppl dat were visiting.
after dinner, me and jeanine went back and joined their meeting which was hecka exciting and interesting. after the meeting, the project ppl had their own team times so me, jeanine, and russell entertained ourselves w/ the mics and stuff for like an hour and a half and just left cuz we were too tired and were not able to hang out w/ the project kids but its all good. hopefully i get to come back on tuesday before they leave.
but yeah, on the way home, i was thinking ( probably not a good idea while driving) and i realized dat i learned a bunch of stuff during the meeting.
i learned that joy really comes in when loving God and trusting God comes together. I thought that was pretty awesome and that project is all about trusting God w/ every lil bit of detail and dats supposed to prepare us to trust God w/ every lil bit of detail of ourlives and I don't do that a lot. I really worry a lot and try to wonder what God's will is instead of trusting that His will will be done and that everything is in control and there is no need to worry.
also realized that i'm really excited for the people going to project this year and those who are in project right now, and i am going to pray for them like no other and hopefully continously until this moment in their lives is over.
oh! and there was this one video on "Q.A.S. (Quiet Asian Syndrome)", it was pretty funny but i wonder if we were laughing not only b/c it was pretty funny but also to make ourselves believe that it is comical and not dat big of a problem. but the truth is, that it is a huge problem and its not gonna fix itself. i'm not saying i didnt laugh either, cuz i did, but i'd say some part of me was laughing to numb the relativity of the video to my life, cuz honestly, i've lived with Q.A.S. all my life and had it myself and sometimes the syndrome does come back and i become quiet. its the truth, it sucks, but asians tend to be too quiet and have this so called syndrome. (it's not a real doctoral syndrome to my knowledge)
and there was also this time of sharing, where the students were sharing in front of the whole group their story of how they got to this point of going to project and it seemed like the subject of still raising support was not shared. like, all the ppl dat were sharing was how they got called to go to project or how God provided but none of God still providing. i was pretty sad there wasn't cuz i'm sure some ppl were worried and discouraged and i'm pretty sure if some1 came up and shared that they arent dont w/ raising support, not to have a pity party but to encourage and testify to the fact that God will provide and is faithful, it would really help those who are discouraged b/c they havent raised their full support yet. oh wells.
one last thing, this is one long blog, sorry, but there's a lot on my mind. but anyways, on the way home, the song "God of this City" was playing, and i'm just beginning to learn the heart behind the lyrics and why A.K. chose to have dat song played at the end of project. it was cuz this song is an encouraging song and also a song of thankfulness and gratefulness. i can't think of an way to explain this except to show it.
so here goes, and this goes out to all the graduates and those leaving Davis or any ministry, thank you for all the work and service you have done for the Lord and for the city you were in, and to you i also say, GREATER THINGS ARE STILL TO BE DONE b/c GOD IS GOD OF ALL THESE CITIES, so thank you and even greater things will be done through the Lord. :)
P.S. i really need to work on titles
i just spent a couple hours hanging out w/ cindy cuz we were waiting for lunch and then i saw jeanine and other irvine ppl i kno at lunch which was pretty good. then we went back to their respective apartments and packed up their stuff into a couple of cars and drove the ones going to project to briefing.
at briefing, i saw a bunch of ppl i knew from EHSP '08 , Davis project kids, and also ppl i've met during the year. i wasn't able to get dinner w/ 'em cuz the DC was expensive and i couldn't get swiped in so i left and got dinner w/ jeanine and the other ppl dat were visiting.
after dinner, me and jeanine went back and joined their meeting which was hecka exciting and interesting. after the meeting, the project ppl had their own team times so me, jeanine, and russell entertained ourselves w/ the mics and stuff for like an hour and a half and just left cuz we were too tired and were not able to hang out w/ the project kids but its all good. hopefully i get to come back on tuesday before they leave.
but yeah, on the way home, i was thinking ( probably not a good idea while driving) and i realized dat i learned a bunch of stuff during the meeting.
i learned that joy really comes in when loving God and trusting God comes together. I thought that was pretty awesome and that project is all about trusting God w/ every lil bit of detail and dats supposed to prepare us to trust God w/ every lil bit of detail of ourlives and I don't do that a lot. I really worry a lot and try to wonder what God's will is instead of trusting that His will will be done and that everything is in control and there is no need to worry.
also realized that i'm really excited for the people going to project this year and those who are in project right now, and i am going to pray for them like no other and hopefully continously until this moment in their lives is over.
oh! and there was this one video on "Q.A.S. (Quiet Asian Syndrome)", it was pretty funny but i wonder if we were laughing not only b/c it was pretty funny but also to make ourselves believe that it is comical and not dat big of a problem. but the truth is, that it is a huge problem and its not gonna fix itself. i'm not saying i didnt laugh either, cuz i did, but i'd say some part of me was laughing to numb the relativity of the video to my life, cuz honestly, i've lived with Q.A.S. all my life and had it myself and sometimes the syndrome does come back and i become quiet. its the truth, it sucks, but asians tend to be too quiet and have this so called syndrome. (it's not a real doctoral syndrome to my knowledge)
and there was also this time of sharing, where the students were sharing in front of the whole group their story of how they got to this point of going to project and it seemed like the subject of still raising support was not shared. like, all the ppl dat were sharing was how they got called to go to project or how God provided but none of God still providing. i was pretty sad there wasn't cuz i'm sure some ppl were worried and discouraged and i'm pretty sure if some1 came up and shared that they arent dont w/ raising support, not to have a pity party but to encourage and testify to the fact that God will provide and is faithful, it would really help those who are discouraged b/c they havent raised their full support yet. oh wells.
one last thing, this is one long blog, sorry, but there's a lot on my mind. but anyways, on the way home, the song "God of this City" was playing, and i'm just beginning to learn the heart behind the lyrics and why A.K. chose to have dat song played at the end of project. it was cuz this song is an encouraging song and also a song of thankfulness and gratefulness. i can't think of an way to explain this except to show it.
so here goes, and this goes out to all the graduates and those leaving Davis or any ministry, thank you for all the work and service you have done for the Lord and for the city you were in, and to you i also say, GREATER THINGS ARE STILL TO BE DONE b/c GOD IS GOD OF ALL THESE CITIES, so thank you and even greater things will be done through the Lord. :)
P.S. i really need to work on titles
Friday, June 19, 2009
home
i realize i get hungry a lot! not just for physical food but for spiritual food, i get really hungry for God. especially when i'm at home.
i don't think much at home, i really just go through the motions a lot when i'm home and it sucks. i constantly feel something is missing or drained when i'm not enganged in anything that makes me think about God.
all this is just making me realize, i really need to be more intentional on spending time w/ God and also being a good son to my parents. because i suck at reading the Bible, I really do. and helping my parents throw the trash or do the dishes isnt part of the motions i go through. I really need to be intentional on all of this.
I'm happy I already did these a few times but dang, I really gotta think to do it. it's so not natural. I find it pretty sad and frustrating.
in other news, i really miss a lot of people, especially those that I haven't talked to in a while. and i'm excited to go to irvine tomorrow. oh!...and i really need to figure out what to do for Father's day.
i don't think much at home, i really just go through the motions a lot when i'm home and it sucks. i constantly feel something is missing or drained when i'm not enganged in anything that makes me think about God.
all this is just making me realize, i really need to be more intentional on spending time w/ God and also being a good son to my parents. because i suck at reading the Bible, I really do. and helping my parents throw the trash or do the dishes isnt part of the motions i go through. I really need to be intentional on all of this.
I'm happy I already did these a few times but dang, I really gotta think to do it. it's so not natural. I find it pretty sad and frustrating.
in other news, i really miss a lot of people, especially those that I haven't talked to in a while. and i'm excited to go to irvine tomorrow. oh!...and i really need to figure out what to do for Father's day.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
one year
wow...it's been a year since I got on a plane to Hawaii for the Epic Hawaii Summer Project of '08.
Been through so much since then and God has showed and taught me many things in this past year. it's been for sure a trip, especially on project but for some reason, i dont know what i'm feeling. but one thing is for sure, I'm hecka being reflective right now and only one thing comes out, God is freaking amazing and good.
These are just some things God taught me on that trip and this past school year:
- I was bitter against my parents especially my dad
- I needed to learn how to give grace to my parents and to others
- I need to see and accept both the good and the bad of people.
- Learned to tell the truth and give grace to my parents ( and the results have been amazing)
- Trust that God is in control of things and that His will is good, pleasing, and perfect
- God doesn't need me to do His work cuz He can do so much better.
- When God does use me, it's such a privilege
- God is working in people's lives with or without me.
- God has already planned all my good works for Him
- I still need to take the 1st step to get to know people and be the one that is vulnerable first
- My love languages affect my relationship w/ God a lot more than I thought.
Man, there are so many things but above all, I learned bout the power of grace and just how big God really is.
Hawaii was amazing, project was amazing, my ohana is amazing, but nothing compares to God and what He had planned for me for this whole past year exclamating my experience last summer. I thank God for all of this, and I thank for those who supported me to Hawaii, and I thank my ohana and my friends who were a part of this past year, walking with me and for being there. I miss you my ohana, the graduates, and my Davis Epic community and I thank you all.
Been through so much since then and God has showed and taught me many things in this past year. it's been for sure a trip, especially on project but for some reason, i dont know what i'm feeling. but one thing is for sure, I'm hecka being reflective right now and only one thing comes out, God is freaking amazing and good.
These are just some things God taught me on that trip and this past school year:
- I was bitter against my parents especially my dad
- I needed to learn how to give grace to my parents and to others
- I need to see and accept both the good and the bad of people.
- Learned to tell the truth and give grace to my parents ( and the results have been amazing)
- Trust that God is in control of things and that His will is good, pleasing, and perfect
- God doesn't need me to do His work cuz He can do so much better.
- When God does use me, it's such a privilege
- God is working in people's lives with or without me.
- God has already planned all my good works for Him
- I still need to take the 1st step to get to know people and be the one that is vulnerable first
- My love languages affect my relationship w/ God a lot more than I thought.
Man, there are so many things but above all, I learned bout the power of grace and just how big God really is.
Hawaii was amazing, project was amazing, my ohana is amazing, but nothing compares to God and what He had planned for me for this whole past year exclamating my experience last summer. I thank God for all of this, and I thank for those who supported me to Hawaii, and I thank my ohana and my friends who were a part of this past year, walking with me and for being there. I miss you my ohana, the graduates, and my Davis Epic community and I thank you all.
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