weird

I loved conference! it's my favorite one so far. but yet, I got nothing to blog about it.

weird

I find myself out bursting in anger twice in these past two days. Made me realize that I've outbursted in anger a lot of times this year starting in summer session 2.

weird

I wonder what's happening to me. what's making things so different. what's making things so weird. cuz i gots no idea.

P.S. the Epic Men 6 feet and under IM b-ball team lost their 1st game. I was out hustled in that game.

weird

masterpiece

(2nd part of a 2 part blog)

there may be even a 3rd blog to this one.

this is the main reason for these past two blogs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXut0HxncvY&feature=related

anyways, I am God's original masterpiece. Gabriel Fances is God's original masterpiece.

that is how God sees me, that is how I need to see myself, but I don't a lot of times.

I see myself as unworthy so many times in an unhealthy way.

The reason I see myself like this is b/c of the amount of sin I commit or struggle with.

One of the reasons I struggle and fall into since so much is b/c of my fear of loneliness. I fear being alone and the feeling of not being known. and when I have time to think, mostly when I'm about to sleep, I hear sooo many lies in my head. Lies telling me that ppl don't know me, my friends don't know me, that ppl are going to hurt me again, and to stop these lies or more like ignore them, I do things that would shut off my brain or distract it and some/most of them are sinful.

Another reason is my unsatisfaction with myself. I am unsatisfied with where I am and who I am and with what I continuously struggle with and/or fail to do. My parent's unsatisfaction with my results in school or whit what I do or with who I am is also added to this. And each time I sin, I am more and more unsatisfied with myself, and like the thoughts of loneliness, I try to ignore the thoughts of unsatisfaction and thus its a perpetual circle.

Gah! I feel like junk. I know how God sees me. and that is as righteous, as a masterpiece, and many more good perfect things. but it's so hard for me to believe. I know the truth but I don't bank on these things, I don't have faith in these things and I wonder why I don't.

but I do take joy in the fact that there are times I do believe these things. That there are times that I do believe and see that I am God's original masterpiece.

Gabriel Fances is God's original masterpiece and so are you. God does not make junk.

God chisel out all this junk that is not of me. I surrender myself to You, all that I am. I want to be used by You for Your glory, Your kingdom, Your work, and Your will.

mirror

(part 1 of a 2 part blog)

when i wake up in the morning and look in the mirror who do I see?

I see myself. I see junk. or more as a masterpiece covered in junk that I can't wash off.

I know I am covered by Jesus' blood and that God sees me as righteous and that I have been made in His image and many more but I still struggle with how I see myself and each time I learn or hear more of who I truly am in Christ and how God sees me, it affects me greatly and touches my heart.

it's surprising to me on how I still need to be reminded of these things and continue to apply these implications of the gospel in my life and heart.

I see myself covered in junk or as junk (not sure) when I look in the mirror. I want to see Jesus instead.

hunger and thirst for righteousness

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied" Matthew 5:6 (ESV)

what does it mean to hunger and thirst for righteousness? the basic answer for this question is somewhat clear (needing to have or be righteousness so much that it can only satisfy the daily needs of drinking and eating ) but what does it really mean? what are the costs and struggles that come with wanting/needing righteousness this much?

to be honest, it is way too easy for me to fall into sin and I know that's true for a lot of people but each time I fall into sin, I get frustrated at myself. is that a part of being hungry and thirsty for righteousness? I don't know.

but I do know this, it's not a part of the joy of my salvation given to me by Jesus Christ. What I think having the joy of salvation means that even though I struggle and fall into sin, I remember my salvation and I am in the process of being restored and am joyful that I am in this process and willing to continue to fight and pursue righteousness.

I may be wrong too. haha.

I know this though. Because of the gospel, God sending His one and only, Jesus Christ, to walk on this sinful world fully human and fully God and living a sinless life only to die on the cross for our sins but rising from the dead on the 3rd day signifying victory; I am saved, redeemed, reconciled, restored/being restored, forgiven, and many many more.

and for this I am joyful, I seek righteousness, I want to continue to be joyful, I want to tell others of this good news, and many many more.

Thank you God. You are truly holy, good, majestic, glorious, worthy, sovereign, and many more. I love you. May I remember who You are and what You have done and Your name be glorified.

should I be excited?

Christmas- a day to remember the birth of my Savior and giver of the ultimate gift (eternal life), Jesus Christ. This day is to remember that Jesus humbled Himself and came down to this sinful world fully God and fully man to ultimately live on this Earth sinless, influence tons of people esp. the 12 disciples, and die on the cross for everyone's sins (while we were all still sinners), and rise from the dead on the 3rd day signifying victory and meaning to all the suffering He went through for us.

It sounds like Christmas should be a grand day of celebration and I should be excited about it.

But when I think about it. We should remember what Christ did every living moment of our lives and be reminded and learn of the implications of the cross and the empty tomb.

Given this, should I be excited today?

I think we should be excited and have our joy and the love we experience from God overflow out of us every single day.

Love by Jaeson Ma

Now Hollywood wants to make you think they know what love is.
But I'm a tell you what true love is.
Love is not what you see in the movies.
Its not the ecstasy, its not what you see in that scene
you know what I mean? I'm telling you right now, true love is sacrifice.
Love is thinking about others before you think about yourself
Love is selfless not selfish. Love is God and God is love.
Love is when you lay down your life for another
Whether for your brother, your mother, your father or your sister
Its even laying down your life for your enemies,
That's unthinkable, but think about that
Love is true
Think.

Chorus
I'll put you in front of me
So everybody can see
My love, this is my love
I know that I'll be alright
As long as you are my guide
My love, this is my love

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast
It is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs
You see love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, it always perseveres
Love never fails. Love is everlasting
Its eternal, it goes on and on, it goes beyond time
Love is the only thing that will last when you die
But ask the question why? Do you have love?

Chorus

There is no greater love than this than he who lays down his life for his friends
Now are you willing to lay down your life for your friends?
You're probably willing to lay down your life for your mother
your father, or your best friends
But are you willing to lay down your life for even those that hate you?
I'm going to tell you who did that
The definition of love is Jesus Christ. He is love
The nails in his hands, the thorns in his brow
Hanging on a cross for your sin my sins
That is love he died for you and me while we still hated him
That is love
God is true love, and if you don't know this love
Now is the time to know, perfect love

Chorus

home winter 2009 day 1

got home round 7 w/ parents away doing something and end up having to take care of my youngest bro. ended up fun tho. talked to other younger brother and played brawl w/ both of 'em.

parents get home round 10. had to move my car so they can park their car into the garage. backed up too far and got onto a curb. couldn't see it. it was too dark. nothing happened to the car.

dad scolds me telling me that I should've seen it cuz my right side view mirror goes down and lets me see my back corner.

I respond saying dat it was too dark for me to see anything.

He retorts saying "I have to see it"

I snap back saying "I can't see it!"

I snap at my mom too b/c she was questioning a scratch dat I couldn't see from where I was standing.

Once I got a look, I said idk.

Haven't gotten a hug from them. They're avoiding me? I think.

eff! what an awesome start! :( :( :( :'(

How the heck am I going to survive 3 weeks?