struggling

I am hurting, I am insecure, I currently don't know where I belong, I sometimes/a lot of times feel left out, I am struggling, I am weak, I feel hopeless at times, I feel needy a lot of times, I am grieving, I am frustrated, I am lost, I am not okay.

I am afraid to show or express these things.

I just keep thinking or hearing that people will be disappointed in me, that it is a burden to my closest friends and that it tires them out. That they would prefer to just hear that I'm okay. That they don't want to see this part of me. They want to see the strong secure Gabe. That the weak insecure Gabe is not worth their time and energy, no more like it is too much for them and they can't handle it. And that it frustrates them to see me so weak and insecure and so needy and whatnot.

God please do something. I don't want to be all these things anymore. I don't want to burden my friends. I don't want to hide from them either, in fact I can't not hide and that hurts them. I don't want to hurt my friends anymore God. I want to be strong for them. I want to be there for them. I don't want to burden them anymore God.

Help me trust you. Help me choose you to define me and justify me. It not only hurts me but as well as my friends when I'm not choosing you. So please heal me and save me. I don't want to be insecure anymore.

where do I belong?

all my closest friends are dating. That's been a fact for a while now.

all my closest friends are either super seniors or graduated. That's been a fact that I've faced every since freshman year.

all my closest friends are either out of Epic or have only one foot in and the other foot is out.

I can't help feel left behind, even left out a lot of times.

Sometimes it feels pretty lonely, and confusing a lot of times.

where the heck do I belong?

I am left to bond with those of my year and younger and there is nothing wrong with that. I have been blessed to be able to bond and trust other people and have them be a part of my life. I am grateful for that.

And another fact is nothing and no one will replace my closest friends. No one ever can.

So that leaves me very split and confused.

I miss my best friends at times. And I feel like I'm missing out on hanging out with them or just being with them. It makes me feel left out. At other times, I am missing out on working on these relationships that have gotten closer and when I am with them, I'm just not as close to them so I don't feel as understood or safe or loved. I also feel left out here as well.

I feel like I'm a part of two separate communities.

I don't know. I may just be insecure in my identity in Christ and looking for worth in other things, in my friendships. If I am insecure, then I hate being insecure, it freaking sucks. Who knows? The point is, I feel lost and confused, I don't know where I belong and as a result of all of this I feel left out/left behind at times and I hate that feeling. It frustrates me so much.

I know I am loved in both communities or groups or w.e. they're called. But I feel so lost.

I just plainly don't know where I belong. I just plainly feel left out at times. That I am left behind.

Help me God...please...

emo day

there is something profound about having an emo day or basically letting yourself just be emo.

Here is a quote from something I read recently:

"My observation of Christendom is that most of us tend to base our relationship with God on our performance instead of on His grace.  If we’ve performed well—whatever ‘well’ is in our opinion—then we expect God to bless us...We seem to believe success in the Christian life is basically up to us; our commitment, our discipline, and our zeal, with some help from God along the way." 


the whole article is found at: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/2011/02/11/transforming-grace/

I wanna talk about being "emotionally healthy"/"letting ourselves hurt"/"embracing our humanness"/any other thing related to this.

there is a sense of what doing these things 'well' for us or at least for me as I've been processing what I'm going through as well as letting myself hurt or feel sad/angry/disappointed/whatnot.

In one hand, I am 'healthier' than others because I do let myself cry or be angry or be sad and stuff like that. But on the other hand, I'm nowhere to actually being healthy.

This is where things may get controversial b/c I'm not sure if all of this is biblical and it definitely needs a balance to things.

The reason why I say I am nowhere close to being healthy or "perfect" (haha...this is even another situation where it could turn into performance easily) is because when I am hurting or being sad or feeling hopeless, letting myself be human and feel, is that I tell myself that I have hope, that I have joy, that I have people, that I am loved, that God is here, that God loves me, that God is patient, that God is hurting with me, and so on.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in telling myself or yourself these things but the problem comes where I'm telling myself all of these things that it starts to cap my emotional jug, where subtly I'm not letting myself feel completely, that I am only feeling as much as I deem to be okay, to be being a human 'well'.  That it is not okay for me to be/feel hopeless. The point is I start making myself be in charge of feeling hope, experiencing grace, healing, instead of God and even more than that, it is only me that can bring myself out of the corner of the room and to step into the light. That it is up to me to be healed, hopeful, joyful.

The truth is, God is in charge of healing. That I need Him and I need people.  That I can feel hopeless and allow God or friends to love me and I naturally, out of my own heart, and not my mind or pressure on myself to be in the light, to feel hope, to have joy, to come out into the light.

This is where letting myself be emo or have an emo day comes in. It allows me to feel hopeless and to just express it completely without any effort on my end to snap out of it. Not saying that if God comes and works in me directly or through friends that I won't snap out of it, but I am depending on God, on friends, on time to snap out of things.

Basically, I am giving myself an environment to completely pour out my emotional jug.

Point is, it is okay for me to be hurt, feel disappointed, feel lonely, and express these feelings and the desire/need for people (even the desire for a friend to be more present to that friend directly), when in all reality I am not alone, and not tell myself that I have people around me, that there are people who love me, that God loves me and allow God to tell me that instead b/c in all reality, He is in charge of my healing anyways and not me.

My choice comes in whether or not to believe God's truth or not and what makes it even more difficult is that it is completely okay if I have a hard time believing the truth b/c I am completely loved and accepted by God just b/c He loves and accepts me and He is patient with me.

There isn't any real conclusion to this blog b/c this is still a running thought and something I am recently realizing, processing, and learning.

your love is a song

Your Love is a Song" by Switchfoot


A couple of lyrics from the song:


Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running to me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, and into me


With my eyes wide open
I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken
Yeah, yeah


Your love is a song
Yeah, yeah
Your love is my remedy
Oh, your love is a song




Oh Lord, keep my eyes and ears open to your love. It is my only remedy so God I pray that I am aware of your love that is all around me. May I keep my hopes unbroken.

Pledge

My Pledge to Davis Epic and all those I will lead/serve in the future

I choose by faith to lead the way Christ wants me to lead, to do what He wants to do, to say what He wants me to say, to give what He wants me to give for only His glory.

I bow down, in my brokenness and humility, in community with you all, not vowing to never fail but a commitment to keep my eyes on Jesus and to invest my time, energy, resources, and abilities in ways that help bring the love of Christ to you all as well as to the people in my life that Christ chose to put.

I make this pledge trusting in Christ, that He is in control even when I do fail and that He will grant me endurance as well as strength. I make this pledge knowing and believing that He fully loves and accepts me and that I will always be in process of claiming this love and acceptance until I die.

star wars

Yoda: You must unlearn what you have learned.

Luke: I don't, I don't believe it.
Yoda: That is why you fail. 

Luke: I can't. It's too big.
Yoda: Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.
Luke: You ask for the impossible.

These are quotes that stood out to me when watching a scene between Luke and Yoda in Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes back. In this scene, Luke's X-Wing sank deep into the bog/swamp and the conversation is about Luke's disbelief in being able to get the X-Wing out and his frustration after a failed attempt of using the force to get his ship out.

I find Yoda a very wise character. I love what he says in this conversation. I also find that I can relate to Luke a lot. This is the reason why:

People/we/I have to unlearn what we have learned. Talking to Tim, I realized that this is a major theme of college ministry. That we have to unlearn the lies that we thought were truth. Lies of who God is, how God works, what identifies us, what can satisfy us, the purpose of life, what evangelism is, what the gospel is, etc. We have to unlearn these lies so that we can learn what is actually the truth. The truth of who God is, how He works, how much He loves us, how much He can satisfy us, how much He has done for us and will do for us, why evangelize, what the implications of the gospel are, what to hope for, what the reason for living is, what the purpose of life is, and so much more.

I also find that there is a difference between knowing these truths and believing it. And like Yoda infers, we fail because we do not believe. I fail because I do not believe. Whenever I fail or continue to fail, it is because somehow someway my mind or heart or both does not believe these truths that I am learning or have learned.

From these past few months, one of the things I've learned is that truth heals. When I believe in truth that God is working, God is sovereign, God is good, He loves me, He is working things out for good for me, His healing is permanent, and so much more truths, it increases my hope and expectancy to see God's glory. It overwhelms all the pain and the hurt. It destroys all the lies that I fight and struggle with.

Even more than this, with Yoda's last quote, who am I to judge this pain/trial by its size or how much it hurts. God is my ally. And a powerful ally He is.And unlike the force which is fictional although Yoda says it is everywhere, God is real and He truly is everywhere. He truly is all powerful and He truly is my ally, YOUR ally; and nothing will separate us from Him and His love for us. And I mean nothing. God has promised that and He will follow through.

Luke ends the conversation by saying that Yoda asks for the impossible and then Yoda proves him wrong by lifting the X-Wing out using the force. But I want to say to Luke that, no! nothing is impossible. In that fictional world, nothing is impossible with the force (except a few things as we learned in episode III). But in reality, in this real world, it is completely true that nothing is impossible with God. And I really do mean nothing.

God is our powerful ally and this is a truth among many that we must learn and believe.

So I leave you with this:

Unlearn lies. Learn truth. Believe truth. Live with truth. Teach truth. God loves you. He will never forsake you. Nothing is impossible with Him. He will follow through on His promises. He is good. He is in control.

Beautfiul- Mercy Me

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His