community of grace

I realized this weekend that I can not encourage anyone when they perform that it'll be okay if they mess up and that there is no pressure if that person is not a part of a community of grace.

realizing that breaks my heart. It made me sad seeing people practice and performing just to give a good performance. It made me sad seeing people perform making perfect bulletins so as not to have one blemish when people look at this one aspect of the church.

i couldn't do anything to encourage anyone, to relieve any pressures b/c saying it'll be ok if they mess up or that thing's don't have to be perfect would be a lie since my home church does not seem to be a community of grace but instead of performance and shame.

sad. I wish i could do something but only thing i see that could change things is to open the eyes of the whole congregation at once b/c it does not seem to work individually b/c no matter what i say, what they will experience will still be performance and pressure and shame.

sigh...

emotions

my dad was/is emotionally distant. He doesn't care much for emotions. He is just not a very emotional person, feelings are not high up on his list for reason to do things and stuff.

All he wants is us to be happy. For people to be happy. When people or I am not happy he wonders in a confused look why can't I just be happy. He sometimes even gets frustrated when people aren't happy.

I realized this even more today. This fact, this reality makes me sad.

it is hard for me to finish this blog right now. I just don't know where I'm going with this.

I want my dad to know me. All of me, including my emotions and the reasons for my emotions and accept and understand them.

I wonder if my dad is emotionally healthy...I hope he is...

I love my dad. (big statement for me...don't know if I could say that during or before my freshman year)

crossroads

oh man...went to crossroads '09 conference in so cal this past weekend and it was just...oh man. it was just 1st of all really awesome to be able to rest, be spoiled by the staff, and just able to focus on God and think about things. Think about my life, my future, God's will, Davis Epic, Epic worldwide, and etc.

One of the principles I learned this weekend is that following/discerning God's will is not getting the solution to life's problems or answers to specific questions on what to do after I graduate but it's all about how I do things and that I bear good fruit, know God better, and be thankful.

Learning/Being reminded of this gives a lot more freedom in my choice, especially knowing that I don't have to get it right the first time, but it also gives a lot more freedom so...I still gotta figure things out. good thing i'm a 3rd year. :-P

which leads to my next point. being a 3rd year and going to this conference does clear things up and how to finish up my college years in terms of following His will while I'm in college and that is continuing to bear good fruit, knowing Him better, and being thankful of what He has done, and is doing in me and through me.

i also learned that there are Muslims in this world that not only are unable to hear the gospel as much as we do and aren't very receptive to it but they also do not have the freedom to accept Christ if they choose to because of their culture.

and that broke my heart and frustrated me b/c we are in a country where we are able to freely share the gospel on campus where there are ppl dat are more receptive than the average person in the world and these ppl are free to accept Christ if they choose to and yet we do so little.

I am excited tho, that we in Davis Epic are doing a lot more than last year with 11:33, Sac State, UCSC, and evangelism training but I wonder where our hearts are at considering the lost and also just how long are we goign to keep this up. I really hope we are just warming up and are going to be a light on this campus, the surrouding Sac area, California, and the rest of the Earth not just this quarter or this year or till I graduate but until this whole world is reached out to, until the Great Commission is fulfilled and Jesus comes down to Earth for the 2nd time.

I want to see and for us to experience just how mighty to save our Saviour is. (we sang the song Mighty to Save after we learned bout the Muslims). I pray that God shows just how mighty to save He is and that He has conquered the grave to us and the rest of the world through us and other laborers He is sending.

Let us be 100% sent. "Let the whole world see, We're singing for the glory of the risen King" Shine your Light Jesus, to us and through us.

heart for the lost

right now, when I think about the lost, those who do not know Christ and are going to go to hell when they die or when Christ comes, when I think about them, especially the ones I'm close to, my heart breaks and I want to cry.

is this what it means to have a heart for the lost? to grieve for the lost?

if it is, I hope and pray that the breakage of my heart for them continues and is ever present. I pray that it never ceases and that I also take the initiative, being empowered by the Holy Spirit, to preach the gospel to them in every opportunity I have and leave the results to God.

family

thinking about my family makes my heart break and me cry