Christmas- a day to remember the birth of my Savior and giver of the ultimate gift (eternal life), Jesus Christ. This day is to remember that Jesus humbled Himself and came down to this sinful world fully God and fully man to ultimately live on this Earth sinless, influence tons of people esp. the 12 disciples, and die on the cross for everyone's sins (while we were all still sinners), and rise from the dead on the 3rd day signifying victory and meaning to all the suffering He went through for us.
It sounds like Christmas should be a grand day of celebration and I should be excited about it.
But when I think about it. We should remember what Christ did every living moment of our lives and be reminded and learn of the implications of the cross and the empty tomb.
Given this, should I be excited today?
I think we should be excited and have our joy and the love we experience from God overflow out of us every single day.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Love by Jaeson Ma
Now Hollywood wants to make you think they know what love is.
But I'm a tell you what true love is.
Love is not what you see in the movies.
Its not the ecstasy, its not what you see in that scene
you know what I mean? I'm telling you right now, true love is sacrifice.
Love is thinking about others before you think about yourself
Love is selfless not selfish. Love is God and God is love.
Love is when you lay down your life for another
Whether for your brother, your mother, your father or your sister
Its even laying down your life for your enemies,
That's unthinkable, but think about that
Love is true
Think.
Chorus
I'll put you in front of me
So everybody can see
My love, this is my love
I know that I'll be alright
As long as you are my guide
My love, this is my love
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast
It is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs
You see love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, it always perseveres
Love never fails. Love is everlasting
Its eternal, it goes on and on, it goes beyond time
Love is the only thing that will last when you die
But ask the question why? Do you have love?
Chorus
There is no greater love than this than he who lays down his life for his friends
Now are you willing to lay down your life for your friends?
You're probably willing to lay down your life for your mother
your father, or your best friends
But are you willing to lay down your life for even those that hate you?
I'm going to tell you who did that
The definition of love is Jesus Christ. He is love
The nails in his hands, the thorns in his brow
Hanging on a cross for your sin my sins
That is love he died for you and me while we still hated him
That is love
God is true love, and if you don't know this love
Now is the time to know, perfect love
Chorus
But I'm a tell you what true love is.
Love is not what you see in the movies.
Its not the ecstasy, its not what you see in that scene
you know what I mean? I'm telling you right now, true love is sacrifice.
Love is thinking about others before you think about yourself
Love is selfless not selfish. Love is God and God is love.
Love is when you lay down your life for another
Whether for your brother, your mother, your father or your sister
Its even laying down your life for your enemies,
That's unthinkable, but think about that
Love is true
Think.
Chorus
I'll put you in front of me
So everybody can see
My love, this is my love
I know that I'll be alright
As long as you are my guide
My love, this is my love
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast
It is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs
You see love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, it always perseveres
Love never fails. Love is everlasting
Its eternal, it goes on and on, it goes beyond time
Love is the only thing that will last when you die
But ask the question why? Do you have love?
Chorus
There is no greater love than this than he who lays down his life for his friends
Now are you willing to lay down your life for your friends?
You're probably willing to lay down your life for your mother
your father, or your best friends
But are you willing to lay down your life for even those that hate you?
I'm going to tell you who did that
The definition of love is Jesus Christ. He is love
The nails in his hands, the thorns in his brow
Hanging on a cross for your sin my sins
That is love he died for you and me while we still hated him
That is love
God is true love, and if you don't know this love
Now is the time to know, perfect love
Chorus
Saturday, December 12, 2009
home winter 2009 day 1
got home round 7 w/ parents away doing something and end up having to take care of my youngest bro. ended up fun tho. talked to other younger brother and played brawl w/ both of 'em.
parents get home round 10. had to move my car so they can park their car into the garage. backed up too far and got onto a curb. couldn't see it. it was too dark. nothing happened to the car.
dad scolds me telling me that I should've seen it cuz my right side view mirror goes down and lets me see my back corner.
I respond saying dat it was too dark for me to see anything.
He retorts saying "I have to see it"
I snap back saying "I can't see it!"
I snap at my mom too b/c she was questioning a scratch dat I couldn't see from where I was standing.
Once I got a look, I said idk.
Haven't gotten a hug from them. They're avoiding me? I think.
eff! what an awesome start! :( :( :( :'(
How the heck am I going to survive 3 weeks?
parents get home round 10. had to move my car so they can park their car into the garage. backed up too far and got onto a curb. couldn't see it. it was too dark. nothing happened to the car.
dad scolds me telling me that I should've seen it cuz my right side view mirror goes down and lets me see my back corner.
I respond saying dat it was too dark for me to see anything.
He retorts saying "I have to see it"
I snap back saying "I can't see it!"
I snap at my mom too b/c she was questioning a scratch dat I couldn't see from where I was standing.
Once I got a look, I said idk.
Haven't gotten a hug from them. They're avoiding me? I think.
eff! what an awesome start! :( :( :( :'(
How the heck am I going to survive 3 weeks?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
community of grace
I realized this weekend that I can not encourage anyone when they perform that it'll be okay if they mess up and that there is no pressure if that person is not a part of a community of grace.
realizing that breaks my heart. It made me sad seeing people practice and performing just to give a good performance. It made me sad seeing people perform making perfect bulletins so as not to have one blemish when people look at this one aspect of the church.
i couldn't do anything to encourage anyone, to relieve any pressures b/c saying it'll be ok if they mess up or that thing's don't have to be perfect would be a lie since my home church does not seem to be a community of grace but instead of performance and shame.
sad. I wish i could do something but only thing i see that could change things is to open the eyes of the whole congregation at once b/c it does not seem to work individually b/c no matter what i say, what they will experience will still be performance and pressure and shame.
sigh...
realizing that breaks my heart. It made me sad seeing people practice and performing just to give a good performance. It made me sad seeing people perform making perfect bulletins so as not to have one blemish when people look at this one aspect of the church.
i couldn't do anything to encourage anyone, to relieve any pressures b/c saying it'll be ok if they mess up or that thing's don't have to be perfect would be a lie since my home church does not seem to be a community of grace but instead of performance and shame.
sad. I wish i could do something but only thing i see that could change things is to open the eyes of the whole congregation at once b/c it does not seem to work individually b/c no matter what i say, what they will experience will still be performance and pressure and shame.
sigh...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
emotions
my dad was/is emotionally distant. He doesn't care much for emotions. He is just not a very emotional person, feelings are not high up on his list for reason to do things and stuff.
All he wants is us to be happy. For people to be happy. When people or I am not happy he wonders in a confused look why can't I just be happy. He sometimes even gets frustrated when people aren't happy.
I realized this even more today. This fact, this reality makes me sad.
it is hard for me to finish this blog right now. I just don't know where I'm going with this.
I want my dad to know me. All of me, including my emotions and the reasons for my emotions and accept and understand them.
I wonder if my dad is emotionally healthy...I hope he is...
I love my dad. (big statement for me...don't know if I could say that during or before my freshman year)
All he wants is us to be happy. For people to be happy. When people or I am not happy he wonders in a confused look why can't I just be happy. He sometimes even gets frustrated when people aren't happy.
I realized this even more today. This fact, this reality makes me sad.
it is hard for me to finish this blog right now. I just don't know where I'm going with this.
I want my dad to know me. All of me, including my emotions and the reasons for my emotions and accept and understand them.
I wonder if my dad is emotionally healthy...I hope he is...
I love my dad. (big statement for me...don't know if I could say that during or before my freshman year)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
crossroads
oh man...went to crossroads '09 conference in so cal this past weekend and it was just...oh man. it was just 1st of all really awesome to be able to rest, be spoiled by the staff, and just able to focus on God and think about things. Think about my life, my future, God's will, Davis Epic, Epic worldwide, and etc.
One of the principles I learned this weekend is that following/discerning God's will is not getting the solution to life's problems or answers to specific questions on what to do after I graduate but it's all about how I do things and that I bear good fruit, know God better, and be thankful.
Learning/Being reminded of this gives a lot more freedom in my choice, especially knowing that I don't have to get it right the first time, but it also gives a lot more freedom so...I still gotta figure things out. good thing i'm a 3rd year. :-P
which leads to my next point. being a 3rd year and going to this conference does clear things up and how to finish up my college years in terms of following His will while I'm in college and that is continuing to bear good fruit, knowing Him better, and being thankful of what He has done, and is doing in me and through me.
i also learned that there are Muslims in this world that not only are unable to hear the gospel as much as we do and aren't very receptive to it but they also do not have the freedom to accept Christ if they choose to because of their culture.
and that broke my heart and frustrated me b/c we are in a country where we are able to freely share the gospel on campus where there are ppl dat are more receptive than the average person in the world and these ppl are free to accept Christ if they choose to and yet we do so little.
I am excited tho, that we in Davis Epic are doing a lot more than last year with 11:33, Sac State, UCSC, and evangelism training but I wonder where our hearts are at considering the lost and also just how long are we goign to keep this up. I really hope we are just warming up and are going to be a light on this campus, the surrouding Sac area, California, and the rest of the Earth not just this quarter or this year or till I graduate but until this whole world is reached out to, until the Great Commission is fulfilled and Jesus comes down to Earth for the 2nd time.
I want to see and for us to experience just how mighty to save our Saviour is. (we sang the song Mighty to Save after we learned bout the Muslims). I pray that God shows just how mighty to save He is and that He has conquered the grave to us and the rest of the world through us and other laborers He is sending.
Let us be 100% sent. "Let the whole world see, We're singing for the glory of the risen King" Shine your Light Jesus, to us and through us.
One of the principles I learned this weekend is that following/discerning God's will is not getting the solution to life's problems or answers to specific questions on what to do after I graduate but it's all about how I do things and that I bear good fruit, know God better, and be thankful.
Learning/Being reminded of this gives a lot more freedom in my choice, especially knowing that I don't have to get it right the first time, but it also gives a lot more freedom so...I still gotta figure things out. good thing i'm a 3rd year. :-P
which leads to my next point. being a 3rd year and going to this conference does clear things up and how to finish up my college years in terms of following His will while I'm in college and that is continuing to bear good fruit, knowing Him better, and being thankful of what He has done, and is doing in me and through me.
i also learned that there are Muslims in this world that not only are unable to hear the gospel as much as we do and aren't very receptive to it but they also do not have the freedom to accept Christ if they choose to because of their culture.
and that broke my heart and frustrated me b/c we are in a country where we are able to freely share the gospel on campus where there are ppl dat are more receptive than the average person in the world and these ppl are free to accept Christ if they choose to and yet we do so little.
I am excited tho, that we in Davis Epic are doing a lot more than last year with 11:33, Sac State, UCSC, and evangelism training but I wonder where our hearts are at considering the lost and also just how long are we goign to keep this up. I really hope we are just warming up and are going to be a light on this campus, the surrouding Sac area, California, and the rest of the Earth not just this quarter or this year or till I graduate but until this whole world is reached out to, until the Great Commission is fulfilled and Jesus comes down to Earth for the 2nd time.
I want to see and for us to experience just how mighty to save our Saviour is. (we sang the song Mighty to Save after we learned bout the Muslims). I pray that God shows just how mighty to save He is and that He has conquered the grave to us and the rest of the world through us and other laborers He is sending.
Let us be 100% sent. "Let the whole world see, We're singing for the glory of the risen King" Shine your Light Jesus, to us and through us.
Monday, November 9, 2009
heart for the lost
right now, when I think about the lost, those who do not know Christ and are going to go to hell when they die or when Christ comes, when I think about them, especially the ones I'm close to, my heart breaks and I want to cry.
is this what it means to have a heart for the lost? to grieve for the lost?
if it is, I hope and pray that the breakage of my heart for them continues and is ever present. I pray that it never ceases and that I also take the initiative, being empowered by the Holy Spirit, to preach the gospel to them in every opportunity I have and leave the results to God.
is this what it means to have a heart for the lost? to grieve for the lost?
if it is, I hope and pray that the breakage of my heart for them continues and is ever present. I pray that it never ceases and that I also take the initiative, being empowered by the Holy Spirit, to preach the gospel to them in every opportunity I have and leave the results to God.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I'm tired continued
I am feeling apathetic on everything. I can't get excited for anything at all. And it is frustrating me. It is making me really irritable.
I don't think I'm drained of anything but it's cuz i'm not on good terms w/ God so i'm not getting refueled. so i'm either bout to run on empty or I am empty.
It's so bad that I caught myself sometime last week about to minister to someone out of myself. Fortunately, I was able to catch myself be4 i started ministering and stopped the convo (which made me sad to do it cuz i haven't talked to this person for a while)
I don't think I should depend/wait on fall retreat but I can't wait for it. I hope I am able to find rest in God and also be willing to be still before God. I'm even excited to drive cuz for some reason, I can think/be at rest when I drive. I love driving...hehe.
I really don't know what I should be praying for or what my prayer request is. But I do want rest, I do want to be willing to be still and spend time w/ God, and I want to have that time w/ God.
Sorry for all the random thoughts and these two blogs of "complaing"/"pain"/w.e. but this is b/c I am not okay and I am slowly processing all of it.
Please bare with me as I go through all of this and I hope I am able to blog about this to the end so God may be glorified through all of this.
Thank you for reading, listening, and being there.
I don't think I'm drained of anything but it's cuz i'm not on good terms w/ God so i'm not getting refueled. so i'm either bout to run on empty or I am empty.
It's so bad that I caught myself sometime last week about to minister to someone out of myself. Fortunately, I was able to catch myself be4 i started ministering and stopped the convo (which made me sad to do it cuz i haven't talked to this person for a while)
I don't think I should depend/wait on fall retreat but I can't wait for it. I hope I am able to find rest in God and also be willing to be still before God. I'm even excited to drive cuz for some reason, I can think/be at rest when I drive. I love driving...hehe.
I really don't know what I should be praying for or what my prayer request is. But I do want rest, I do want to be willing to be still and spend time w/ God, and I want to have that time w/ God.
Sorry for all the random thoughts and these two blogs of "complaing"/"pain"/w.e. but this is b/c I am not okay and I am slowly processing all of it.
Please bare with me as I go through all of this and I hope I am able to blog about this to the end so God may be glorified through all of this.
Thank you for reading, listening, and being there.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
i'm tired
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/18644-heavy-laden-at-a-party
Come to me all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30)
Do i trust in His yoke?
Am i able to come to Him?
Is my view of God big enough to trust that I will find rest, that His burden is light, that I can solely depend and lean on Him?
I'm scared of the pain, the hurt, I want to be protected from all of it, I want my friends to be protected from all of it but that is not what is promised.
But there will be a day when there is no more pain and no more tears.
I want that day to come now.
Come to me all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30)
Do i trust in His yoke?
Am i able to come to Him?
Is my view of God big enough to trust that I will find rest, that His burden is light, that I can solely depend and lean on Him?
I'm scared of the pain, the hurt, I want to be protected from all of it, I want my friends to be protected from all of it but that is not what is promised.
But there will be a day when there is no more pain and no more tears.
I want that day to come now.
Friday, October 2, 2009
View of God
I enter into the throne room. I walk towards the throne and stand a few feet away from it.
He is there standing in front of His throne. Arms wide open. He is shining. Glorious. Majestic. Holy.
I go down on my knees and bow down. Amazed. Humbled. Broken. Crying.
He walks to me. Lifts up my face and embraces me in His arms. He lifts me up, still in His arms.
I cry in His shoulders. Everything flows out. Tears from all the pain. Tears of joy. Everything.
This is what I see when I close my eyes and think of God. This is my view of God.
What do you see? Who is your God?
He is there standing in front of His throne. Arms wide open. He is shining. Glorious. Majestic. Holy.
I go down on my knees and bow down. Amazed. Humbled. Broken. Crying.
He walks to me. Lifts up my face and embraces me in His arms. He lifts me up, still in His arms.
I cry in His shoulders. Everything flows out. Tears from all the pain. Tears of joy. Everything.
This is what I see when I close my eyes and think of God. This is my view of God.
What do you see? Who is your God?
Monday, September 28, 2009
no basketball
my body is the dwelling place of the Lord.
I need to stop deteriorating it.
I need to start taking care of it and start acting like it is a temple of the Lord.
so...goodbye basketball for a while...
I need to stop deteriorating it.
I need to start taking care of it and start acting like it is a temple of the Lord.
so...goodbye basketball for a while...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
basketball
i've made so many stupid decisions. so many bad ones.
i can't play basketball like this. w/o any support, it's useless, it's just not the same.
i can't play basketball like this. w/o any support, it's useless, it's just not the same.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
want
i want to see God.
i want to see Him move. not just this week but this whole year. not just in Davis but the whole world.
i want to be in awe.
i want to have no choice but to be on my knees when i pray/praise/think and then be able to rise when He calls me b/c of His power and love.
i want to be focused on Him.
i want to trust Him.
i want God to be glorified, His kingdom to come, and His will to be done.
i want to see Him move. not just this week but this whole year. not just in Davis but the whole world.
i want to be in awe.
i want to have no choice but to be on my knees when i pray/praise/think and then be able to rise when He calls me b/c of His power and love.
i want to be focused on Him.
i want to trust Him.
i want God to be glorified, His kingdom to come, and His will to be done.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
naked
i was raised to perform. i was raised to wear a mask.
i was raised to have a habit of hiding the bad parts of me and show the good parts of me.
at most times, i'm scared of people really knowing me because i dont want people to leave or reject me.
but I have Christ. and He wants it all. He wants me to reveal all.
what if, what if i come to you ( body of believers) naked, vulnerable, transparent, the true struggling, selfish, hot tempered, begging, needy, etc. Gabe? would you accept me?
i was raised to have a habit of hiding the bad parts of me and show the good parts of me.
at most times, i'm scared of people really knowing me because i dont want people to leave or reject me.
but I have Christ. and He wants it all. He wants me to reveal all.
what if, what if i come to you ( body of believers) naked, vulnerable, transparent, the true struggling, selfish, hot tempered, begging, needy, etc. Gabe? would you accept me?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
why? it's too much
why am i going thru all this? why is there so much pain? there's so much...i can't take this.
why God? why is this happening? why are You taking me thru this? it's so much.
tell me why. why now and why this? i just don't understand.
why God? why is this happening? why are You taking me thru this? it's so much.
tell me why. why now and why this? i just don't understand.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
no such thing as perfect people
Perfect People by Natalie Grant
Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while
[CHORUS:]
There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God
Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you've been
And you never have to go there again
[CHORUS]
Who lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections
So look up and see love. Let grace be enough
[CHORUS]
By a perfect God [5x]
Be changed by a perfect God
Be changed
Seriously, we put faces and act so we look like we are perfect. even our parents expect us to be perfect and we fall into that lie and we live our lives trying not to disappoint them. and i am hecka tired of this.
when will parents realize there is no such thing as perfect people and stop pressuring us to be perfect?
when will we children realize there is no such thing as perfect people and stop believing this lie and break under this pressure and destroy ourselves by being emotionally healthy or things?
when will we all realize that there is a perfect God that we can look up to as a model ( a perfect model) instead of looking for what the world tells us to be?
when will we realize that only this perfect God can change us?
Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while
[CHORUS:]
There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God
Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you've been
And you never have to go there again
[CHORUS]
Who lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections
So look up and see love. Let grace be enough
[CHORUS]
By a perfect God [5x]
Be changed by a perfect God
Be changed
Seriously, we put faces and act so we look like we are perfect. even our parents expect us to be perfect and we fall into that lie and we live our lives trying not to disappoint them. and i am hecka tired of this.
when will parents realize there is no such thing as perfect people and stop pressuring us to be perfect?
when will we children realize there is no such thing as perfect people and stop believing this lie and break under this pressure and destroy ourselves by being emotionally healthy or things?
when will we all realize that there is a perfect God that we can look up to as a model ( a perfect model) instead of looking for what the world tells us to be?
when will we realize that only this perfect God can change us?
Monday, August 31, 2009
freedom
i want to live as a free person. free from any attachments to the world, to gifts from God, to pain, to fear, to basketball, to people, to people's opinions, to status, to anything. to be free. to act upon the freedom given to me.
i want to trust. to trust God with everything. to give Him my all. to be okay with all the mystery and be okay with the waiting and be willing to wait patiently and actively.
i want to be humbled, to be broken, to be free from judgment of people and to be free from judging people.
i want all of this. i am so far from all of this. so much room to grow. and it will take a lot of time. i will be patient (no matter how much i need to work to be patient).
next year is probably gonna contain a lot of growing up for me and for people. it's gonna be so different. different people= different dynamics. and it just hit me how different it's gonna be with seniors moving out and stuff. it's scary. i'm scared but i'm excited.
i want God! i want Jesus! there is nothing else I need. I love Jesus! Jesus, You are enough! set me free! thank you for freeing me. thank you for freedom. may i make use of my freedom.
may You be glorified and Your name be known and Your good, pleasing, and perfect will be done in all our lives as it is in heaven.
i want to trust. to trust God with everything. to give Him my all. to be okay with all the mystery and be okay with the waiting and be willing to wait patiently and actively.
i want to be humbled, to be broken, to be free from judgment of people and to be free from judging people.
i want all of this. i am so far from all of this. so much room to grow. and it will take a lot of time. i will be patient (no matter how much i need to work to be patient).
next year is probably gonna contain a lot of growing up for me and for people. it's gonna be so different. different people= different dynamics. and it just hit me how different it's gonna be with seniors moving out and stuff. it's scary. i'm scared but i'm excited.
i want God! i want Jesus! there is nothing else I need. I love Jesus! Jesus, You are enough! set me free! thank you for freeing me. thank you for freedom. may i make use of my freedom.
may You be glorified and Your name be known and Your good, pleasing, and perfect will be done in all our lives as it is in heaven.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
gah!
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is so stupid!!!!
i am so hating this right now
eff!
y the heck do i have to deal with this?
i just wish it could just be over. i thought it would be over already.
stupid sin.
this is so stupid!!!!
i am so hating this right now
eff!
y the heck do i have to deal with this?
i just wish it could just be over. i thought it would be over already.
stupid sin.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
praise
God is bigger than the air i breathe. God is bigger than all my circumstances. God is bigger than I. God is bigger than my strengths. God is AMAZINGLY BIG. God is more powerful than I can ever imagine. and yet...
He died for me. He rose again for me. He poured out His blood for me. He redeemed me. He freed me. He saved me. He reconciled with me. and...
He did all this for YOU too! and...
He listens to my prayers. He answers my prayers. He loves me. and YOU too!
I am His beloved. I am His. I am chosen. I am His heir. and so are you if you have chosen Christ.
the weight of all this praise amazingly outweighs all my problems, makes it all insignificant. even the problems of this fallen world, the hurts of this fallen world, the pain of this fallen world, the hate of this fallen world, everything! is just insignificant compared to who He is and what He has done, is doing, and will do in me, through me, in my friends, through my friends, and in this world!
Lord, I pray that I may give you my all and entrust to You all of me, I pray that I am able to cling onto You and Your hope b/c You do not disappoint and Your hope does not disappoint. Lord, may your glorious kingdom come! and our knees bend before You! May we trust in and discern Your good, pleasing, and perfect will and may Your will be done on earth, on the U.S., on California, on Nor Cal, on UC Davis, in Epic, in my life as it is in heaven.
He died for me. He rose again for me. He poured out His blood for me. He redeemed me. He freed me. He saved me. He reconciled with me. and...
He did all this for YOU too! and...
He listens to my prayers. He answers my prayers. He loves me. and YOU too!
I am His beloved. I am His. I am chosen. I am His heir. and so are you if you have chosen Christ.
the weight of all this praise amazingly outweighs all my problems, makes it all insignificant. even the problems of this fallen world, the hurts of this fallen world, the pain of this fallen world, the hate of this fallen world, everything! is just insignificant compared to who He is and what He has done, is doing, and will do in me, through me, in my friends, through my friends, and in this world!
Lord, I pray that I may give you my all and entrust to You all of me, I pray that I am able to cling onto You and Your hope b/c You do not disappoint and Your hope does not disappoint. Lord, may your glorious kingdom come! and our knees bend before You! May we trust in and discern Your good, pleasing, and perfect will and may Your will be done on earth, on the U.S., on California, on Nor Cal, on UC Davis, in Epic, in my life as it is in heaven.
Friday, August 14, 2009
sweetly broken
Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle. it's a song. it's also the title of this blog and my blogspot.
there's just something to this song that makes me think and sometimes makes me sad and few times has made me tear up. the lyrics are quite powerful. even the title is enough.
i am and truly aim to continue to be sweetly broken in front of the cross and kneel amazed by God's works and just plainly God Himself.
this is why i love this song and why it is the name of my blogspot.
there's just something to this song that makes me think and sometimes makes me sad and few times has made me tear up. the lyrics are quite powerful. even the title is enough.
i am and truly aim to continue to be sweetly broken in front of the cross and kneel amazed by God's works and just plainly God Himself.
this is why i love this song and why it is the name of my blogspot.
Monday, August 10, 2009
who am i?
hehe...listening to ray playing tenth avenue north songs right now. he's so awesome. makes thinking easier too. but yea...
why do i still look for worth in my friends? why do i still look for comfort in my friends? why?
i know this way doesn't work. i know God is my source of comfort and worth. i know i am never alone b/c love is here, God is here. but i seem to have lost who i am.
i mean i know and believe that i am God's and i am beloved and all that. but i just don't know who He has made me to be anymore. who am i? it's like i lost my sense of worth. almost like i'm lost too.
i think this is why i've just been so off lately and having a short fuse. and i'm guessing it's also cuz i feel so trapped w/ my legs/knees being the way they are.
i feel lonely, i feel desperate, i feel confused. i feel burdened.
who am i? when the heck can i start acting like the person I am made to be?
why do i still look for worth in my friends? why do i still look for comfort in my friends? why?
i know this way doesn't work. i know God is my source of comfort and worth. i know i am never alone b/c love is here, God is here. but i seem to have lost who i am.
i mean i know and believe that i am God's and i am beloved and all that. but i just don't know who He has made me to be anymore. who am i? it's like i lost my sense of worth. almost like i'm lost too.
i think this is why i've just been so off lately and having a short fuse. and i'm guessing it's also cuz i feel so trapped w/ my legs/knees being the way they are.
i feel lonely, i feel desperate, i feel confused. i feel burdened.
who am i? when the heck can i start acting like the person I am made to be?
Sunday, August 9, 2009
eff
what the heck is wrong with me? i feel so much anger. like i'm going to blow up any minute. there is so something wrong with me right now but idk wat. something is totally bothering me deep inside. just so much hatred/anger/rage in me. i hate it.
excuse my languange but fuck! this freaking sucks! its bullshit! i'm back in Davis with my community, with my "family", and yet i have pent up anger in me. its stupid!
i need to spend time with God. i need a quiet time. haha. quiet. something i just need period.
excuse my languange but fuck! this freaking sucks! its bullshit! i'm back in Davis with my community, with my "family", and yet i have pent up anger in me. its stupid!
i need to spend time with God. i need a quiet time. haha. quiet. something i just need period.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
i wanna change
i can change...i can change...i can change...right?
for sures i am a new creation. the old has gone. i know this. and i'm free from sin. i am no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness.
but why the eff does old gabe keep on reappearing? y does old gabe keep on winning, resulting in me falling into temptation and sinning?
i freaking want to change. to change the fact dat i keep on losing. to change the fact dat sometimes i don't have the desire to fight.
i have the ability to win. I got God on my side. but i don't do anything. i just lose. and i wanna freaking change dat! i wanna trust God. i wanna change and stop failing. i'm losing and i'm hating it. i don't like to lose but that's all i keep on doing.
God! help me! help me change! help me trust You! let me see/know what trusting You looks like! give me the desire and will to fight!...please... :'( ...
for sures i am a new creation. the old has gone. i know this. and i'm free from sin. i am no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness.
but why the eff does old gabe keep on reappearing? y does old gabe keep on winning, resulting in me falling into temptation and sinning?
i freaking want to change. to change the fact dat i keep on losing. to change the fact dat sometimes i don't have the desire to fight.
i have the ability to win. I got God on my side. but i don't do anything. i just lose. and i wanna freaking change dat! i wanna trust God. i wanna change and stop failing. i'm losing and i'm hating it. i don't like to lose but that's all i keep on doing.
God! help me! help me change! help me trust You! let me see/know what trusting You looks like! give me the desire and will to fight!...please... :'( ...
Sunday, July 19, 2009
this war is real, this war hurts
learned today from reading "Wild at Heart" which also referenced "The Screwtape Letters" that guilt, that beating myself up, is obviously not healthy but also that its from Satan, it's one of his tactics, to make things bigger than it is and to lose oneself from the truth.
sadly, i struggle w/ beating myself up. just today, i also learned that i've been passive aggressive and weasely to my parents on the subject of them wanting to go up w/ me to Davis on Aug. 2.
at first I did not know if i wanted them to come up but I was acting like I didn't want them to w/o really saying it. but now, I want them to come up. but I also beated myself up to a point where I became weak and vulnerable to temptation and more of Satan's attack.
but thanks to the grace of God, I was able to reach out to my community and was able to have truth be told to me so i could resist temptation and pray so that I can grasp the big picture, the truth, and cling to it.
this whole experience, while I'm still trying to stand and fight again, is very enlightening. I've just gotten a bigger sense of understanding for what community is for and i love community esp. my community God has given me even more.
and I also learned that this war is real and not just in the spiritual realm. boy was i wrong thinking that this war was really in the spiritual realm and not taking it seriously but its time to say NO! this war is happening inside me and all around. and this war hurts. this war creates wounds. there will be battles i will win and battles i will lose but I got Christ on my side and my "band of brothers" fighting alongside me. and this war's end has been written and we will be victorious!
boy am i happy that my eyes are even more open to the truth and the way things really are around me. and now, since i'm even more aware of all this, it's time to prepare for war and fight and bring alongside my "band of brothers" and open the eyes of those who are not aware yet.
time to put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6: 10-18) my community, my "band of brothers" (includes both my brothers and sisters in Christ ). please be ready so that you won't be like me and lose so many battles and feel so weak and vulnerable and continue to fail. God bless. :)
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17.
sadly, i struggle w/ beating myself up. just today, i also learned that i've been passive aggressive and weasely to my parents on the subject of them wanting to go up w/ me to Davis on Aug. 2.
at first I did not know if i wanted them to come up but I was acting like I didn't want them to w/o really saying it. but now, I want them to come up. but I also beated myself up to a point where I became weak and vulnerable to temptation and more of Satan's attack.
but thanks to the grace of God, I was able to reach out to my community and was able to have truth be told to me so i could resist temptation and pray so that I can grasp the big picture, the truth, and cling to it.
this whole experience, while I'm still trying to stand and fight again, is very enlightening. I've just gotten a bigger sense of understanding for what community is for and i love community esp. my community God has given me even more.
and I also learned that this war is real and not just in the spiritual realm. boy was i wrong thinking that this war was really in the spiritual realm and not taking it seriously but its time to say NO! this war is happening inside me and all around. and this war hurts. this war creates wounds. there will be battles i will win and battles i will lose but I got Christ on my side and my "band of brothers" fighting alongside me. and this war's end has been written and we will be victorious!
boy am i happy that my eyes are even more open to the truth and the way things really are around me. and now, since i'm even more aware of all this, it's time to prepare for war and fight and bring alongside my "band of brothers" and open the eyes of those who are not aware yet.
time to put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6: 10-18) my community, my "band of brothers" (includes both my brothers and sisters in Christ ). please be ready so that you won't be like me and lose so many battles and feel so weak and vulnerable and continue to fail. God bless. :)
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
family vacation
today i just got back from taking a trip to seattle/vancouver with my family for vacation. the trip was from monday morning to friday morning.
the trip contained a various mix of feelings and events that has put me in a place where i can not tell if it was an awesome trip, a horrible trip, an ok trip, etc.
(one thing is for sure tho, i loved summer seattle weather)
i can say that i enjoyed being a tourist and looking around the sights of seattle and enjoying the mixture of city-like views and nature views. it was pretty awesome. vancouver was pretty cool too but i liked seattle better. :D
so the cities i visited were just fine but the family part was the confusing part.
it was a mix of confusion, frustration, apathy, sadness, and joy.
confusion - various options given to us w/ me wanting my dad to plan it all so i can just go w/ the flow b/c i was tired of planning stuff. but the prob was dat my dad wanted us to plan which leads to frustration.
frustration 1- i am always the copilot. me and the gps giving my dad directions. problem is, my dad tends to second guess stuff when things throw a curveball. he even second guesses wat i say and wat i trust in the gps. it just lead to a lot of frustration on both parts b/c i didn't want to navigate anymore b/c of the lack of trust but my dad wanted me to do it cuz every1 else stinks. this leads to sadness.
frustration 2- my bros and my aunt wanted to just go w/ the flow kinda like me but my parents esp. my dad wanted us to choose where to go. well...it ended up dat my dad semi planned and it was enjoyable ( at least for me) but not for my dad. apparently he was frustrated dat we didnt plan ( the reason we didnt plan is usually we dislike wat he chooses) and he was thinking we were frustrated. this fact leads to apathy.
apathy- b/c i just wanted to go w/ the flow being tired from ministering and leading, i just plainly didn't care if my dad was frustrated or not. i just wanted to enjoy being w/ my fam checking out an awesome city.
sadness- w/ my dad second guessing me and basically not trusting in my directions and in wat i was saying, i grew extremely discouraged and sad. my dad didn't trust me. and that hurt. it really hurt.
happiness- save the good part for kinda last i guess. haha. i did have some fun w/ my fam. and it was awesome. period.
i wanna focus on the bad parts right now. cuz frustration and sadness usually completely ruin the trip for me from the very start these things surface but it didn't. it obviously brought my mood down but it didn't ruin everything. dat was suprising. but wats more surprising is that i was sad my dad didn't trust me b/c i wanted his approval and him not trusting me not only hurt me but apparently made me doubt who i am as a man.
but thx to God, i realize that I don't need his approval or his trust b/c God trusts me and approves of me and is pleased of me. i've been so dependent in looking for my answers and affirmation as a man in my father ( like any male does) and that needed to change. i need to look to God and i'm beginning to do that once again. it is hard tho but its worth it.
dang, this summer has been really about trusting God w/ everything and going to Him first as a sign of dependency on Him and focus on Him.
and all this also has made me think of the reason i blog. and i've come to a point where i say i blog so that God may be glorified in what I share of His work in me and through me and also that I can share my life to those that read this.
the trip contained a various mix of feelings and events that has put me in a place where i can not tell if it was an awesome trip, a horrible trip, an ok trip, etc.
(one thing is for sure tho, i loved summer seattle weather)
i can say that i enjoyed being a tourist and looking around the sights of seattle and enjoying the mixture of city-like views and nature views. it was pretty awesome. vancouver was pretty cool too but i liked seattle better. :D
so the cities i visited were just fine but the family part was the confusing part.
it was a mix of confusion, frustration, apathy, sadness, and joy.
confusion - various options given to us w/ me wanting my dad to plan it all so i can just go w/ the flow b/c i was tired of planning stuff. but the prob was dat my dad wanted us to plan which leads to frustration.
frustration 1- i am always the copilot. me and the gps giving my dad directions. problem is, my dad tends to second guess stuff when things throw a curveball. he even second guesses wat i say and wat i trust in the gps. it just lead to a lot of frustration on both parts b/c i didn't want to navigate anymore b/c of the lack of trust but my dad wanted me to do it cuz every1 else stinks. this leads to sadness.
frustration 2- my bros and my aunt wanted to just go w/ the flow kinda like me but my parents esp. my dad wanted us to choose where to go. well...it ended up dat my dad semi planned and it was enjoyable ( at least for me) but not for my dad. apparently he was frustrated dat we didnt plan ( the reason we didnt plan is usually we dislike wat he chooses) and he was thinking we were frustrated. this fact leads to apathy.
apathy- b/c i just wanted to go w/ the flow being tired from ministering and leading, i just plainly didn't care if my dad was frustrated or not. i just wanted to enjoy being w/ my fam checking out an awesome city.
sadness- w/ my dad second guessing me and basically not trusting in my directions and in wat i was saying, i grew extremely discouraged and sad. my dad didn't trust me. and that hurt. it really hurt.
happiness- save the good part for kinda last i guess. haha. i did have some fun w/ my fam. and it was awesome. period.
i wanna focus on the bad parts right now. cuz frustration and sadness usually completely ruin the trip for me from the very start these things surface but it didn't. it obviously brought my mood down but it didn't ruin everything. dat was suprising. but wats more surprising is that i was sad my dad didn't trust me b/c i wanted his approval and him not trusting me not only hurt me but apparently made me doubt who i am as a man.
but thx to God, i realize that I don't need his approval or his trust b/c God trusts me and approves of me and is pleased of me. i've been so dependent in looking for my answers and affirmation as a man in my father ( like any male does) and that needed to change. i need to look to God and i'm beginning to do that once again. it is hard tho but its worth it.
dang, this summer has been really about trusting God w/ everything and going to Him first as a sign of dependency on Him and focus on Him.
and all this also has made me think of the reason i blog. and i've come to a point where i say i blog so that God may be glorified in what I share of His work in me and through me and also that I can share my life to those that read this.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
the search for significance
i just finished reading the book called "the search for significance" by robert s. McGee
it is such an amazing book when read with the workbook and also a heart to not just to get through it but to examine oneself also.
man, who knew 4 small truths can be so big!
I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God
I am totally accepted by God
I am deeply loved by God
I am absolutely complete in Christ
the two that hit me the most are the 1st two. that I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God and totally accepted by God.
it just feels so free-ing being affirmed in these two again. i've lived a performance based life for so long it's so hard to give up those performance based habits of feeling good of myself when i meet certain standards or when people approve of me.
but that is so wrong. there is no standard to God being pleased with me, He is already fully pleased with me and that is enough. I do not need people to be pleased with me although i do struggle with this. esp. with my dad. oh how i long for him to be completely pleased with me.
i also don't need people to approve of me because God accepts completely and He has made me acceptable. that is enough.
this also means, I don't have to be scared of meeting new people. i'm usually scared to open up and meet new people b/c I'm scared of being hurt, of being rejected. but b/c I am accepted by God and He loves me and I am complete in Him and I am pleasing to Him, I don't have to be scared.
so i pray I am to be bold from now on. and I am able to trust on God and lean on Him. that I am able to be assured in Him, in the fact that He accepts me, He is pleased, He loves, and He completed me and not on people's opinions and not on my performance.
it is such an amazing book when read with the workbook and also a heart to not just to get through it but to examine oneself also.
man, who knew 4 small truths can be so big!
I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God
I am totally accepted by God
I am deeply loved by God
I am absolutely complete in Christ
the two that hit me the most are the 1st two. that I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God and totally accepted by God.
it just feels so free-ing being affirmed in these two again. i've lived a performance based life for so long it's so hard to give up those performance based habits of feeling good of myself when i meet certain standards or when people approve of me.
but that is so wrong. there is no standard to God being pleased with me, He is already fully pleased with me and that is enough. I do not need people to be pleased with me although i do struggle with this. esp. with my dad. oh how i long for him to be completely pleased with me.
i also don't need people to approve of me because God accepts completely and He has made me acceptable. that is enough.
this also means, I don't have to be scared of meeting new people. i'm usually scared to open up and meet new people b/c I'm scared of being hurt, of being rejected. but b/c I am accepted by God and He loves me and I am complete in Him and I am pleasing to Him, I don't have to be scared.
so i pray I am to be bold from now on. and I am able to trust on God and lean on Him. that I am able to be assured in Him, in the fact that He accepts me, He is pleased, He loves, and He completed me and not on people's opinions and not on my performance.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
hate home
i am hating home right now.
i just had a short convo w/ my dad about sin which involved me admitting that i do struggle w/ "something" and him asking me "y can't u just stop?"
it just left me feeling alone and lonely. and thinking that my dad is disgusted w/ me and what i struggle with.
it even shows cuz he changed the subject after he asked me how often i do fall and me lying to him saying "once in a while" he even fell asleep eventually.
this is lame. i'm feeling so sad. i want my community so bad. i don't want to be home right now.
i just had a short convo w/ my dad about sin which involved me admitting that i do struggle w/ "something" and him asking me "y can't u just stop?"
it just left me feeling alone and lonely. and thinking that my dad is disgusted w/ me and what i struggle with.
it even shows cuz he changed the subject after he asked me how often i do fall and me lying to him saying "once in a while" he even fell asleep eventually.
this is lame. i'm feeling so sad. i want my community so bad. i don't want to be home right now.
Monday, July 6, 2009
my church had a retreat this past thursday to saturday. it was ok...i think.
me and my partner was in charge of the youth program and there were some bumps but it was overall fun esp. when there were two church at the retreat.
i was able to hang out w/ some of the youth from my church and get to kno 'em a bit more but i've come to realize i really don't kno any of 'em except my partner really but i still dont kno him really well.
but i'm happy for this retreat and the time i got to spend with my friends at church cuz it's made me realize that i can have fun here at home and church and also have a healthy community at church.
i love serving the youth at my church but idk where to begin to teach them b/c they're so young in their faith. but i kno this, i love doing ministry in any form for the Lord. i really get refreshed and even sometimes get fed myself.
but oh boy, is God amazing. even when i dont prepare dat well for a lesson, God still works through the lesson. man, this year has been truly eye opening about God and how He can work in people and through people in so many different but relatable ways.
oh...one last thing...pray for me cuz lately sometimes i've been feeling like something is eating me up inside.
me and my partner was in charge of the youth program and there were some bumps but it was overall fun esp. when there were two church at the retreat.
i was able to hang out w/ some of the youth from my church and get to kno 'em a bit more but i've come to realize i really don't kno any of 'em except my partner really but i still dont kno him really well.
but i'm happy for this retreat and the time i got to spend with my friends at church cuz it's made me realize that i can have fun here at home and church and also have a healthy community at church.
i love serving the youth at my church but idk where to begin to teach them b/c they're so young in their faith. but i kno this, i love doing ministry in any form for the Lord. i really get refreshed and even sometimes get fed myself.
but oh boy, is God amazing. even when i dont prepare dat well for a lesson, God still works through the lesson. man, this year has been truly eye opening about God and how He can work in people and through people in so many different but relatable ways.
oh...one last thing...pray for me cuz lately sometimes i've been feeling like something is eating me up inside.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
random spewing of my mind
i am a failure. i know God wants to work in me and through me but i just walk away. i numb myself by following the desires of my body and ignore what God is doing.
but God is amazing. He continued to call me and pull me back these past few days as i tried to walk away. and oh man, is God strong. and as I am less numb to everything, I am more willing to fight and rely on God and let Him work in me and oh man is God's work amazing.
soo many hidden blessings through everyday things and also trials. soo many lessons.
oh how i wish i'm in davis right now so that I can be with my friends and my community and minister to them. but i'm stuck here in so cal, lost, not knowing what i'm supposed to do, who i'm supposed to minister to or serve, not knowing how.
i do feel lost. quite lost in many things. idk how i do get through stuff. it's pretty amazing. but man, each day, my heart continues to break, break for those who are hurting, those who are lost, my heart breaks for the people i'm around and those that i see.
i want to see/hear of hearts breaking, masks taken off, knees bent, people broken and vulnerable this summer, this next year, everyday, and especially this retreat that my church is having tomorrow till saturday.
each time i think of how much i want to see this and how much my heart breaks, i lean closer to a decision that i may have to make in a year or two.
but God is amazing. He continued to call me and pull me back these past few days as i tried to walk away. and oh man, is God strong. and as I am less numb to everything, I am more willing to fight and rely on God and let Him work in me and oh man is God's work amazing.
soo many hidden blessings through everyday things and also trials. soo many lessons.
oh how i wish i'm in davis right now so that I can be with my friends and my community and minister to them. but i'm stuck here in so cal, lost, not knowing what i'm supposed to do, who i'm supposed to minister to or serve, not knowing how.
i do feel lost. quite lost in many things. idk how i do get through stuff. it's pretty amazing. but man, each day, my heart continues to break, break for those who are hurting, those who are lost, my heart breaks for the people i'm around and those that i see.
i want to see/hear of hearts breaking, masks taken off, knees bent, people broken and vulnerable this summer, this next year, everyday, and especially this retreat that my church is having tomorrow till saturday.
each time i think of how much i want to see this and how much my heart breaks, i lean closer to a decision that i may have to make in a year or two.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
question
one question: what is the 1st thing that pops into your mind when you learn that some1 is a pastor's kid?
i'm curious and please post your opinions or tell me. thank you :)
P.S. maybe i'll post a real blog soon :) still not sure yet
i'm curious and please post your opinions or tell me. thank you :)
P.S. maybe i'll post a real blog soon :) still not sure yet
Saturday, June 27, 2009
mixed feelings
i am surprised, anxious, scared, excited, happy, and nostalgic.
i wonder which one will take over when time comes.
Lord, I pray that Your will be done and for discernment and strength. may what I do be pleasing to You.
i wonder which one will take over when time comes.
Lord, I pray that Your will be done and for discernment and strength. may what I do be pleasing to You.
Friday, June 26, 2009
cardboard testimonies
i'm loving cardboard testimonies. i already love hearing ppl's stories and stuff and cardboard testimonies are just a way to see how amazing God is and His wondrous work in ppl's lives around the world.
this one made me tear up/cry so much:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwpJeLSU-qQ
i can't believe it was only 3:35 long. it felt so much longer the 1st time i watched it during briefing.
this one made me tear up/cry so much:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwpJeLSU-qQ
i can't believe it was only 3:35 long. it felt so much longer the 1st time i watched it during briefing.
random
idk y...but i barely cry at movies now. i nvr cried be4 Davis, even those real sad movies.
at the time, i couldnt see why they were sad. the only reason i kno now is when i think back, i do see y it was so sad but it still doesnt make me wanna cry.
i get the sadness and y ppl would cry but i just don't.
am i just that desensitized to things? or at least was?
but yea...dat was just a random thought...but i do cry now...sometimes...and anyways...hannah brought up something bout her being raised in a 3rd world country and in poverty making her desensitized to the other ppl living in those countries. i buy it. i think i'm desensitized to them too. i see the poverty, the hardship, their search for joy and significance and i bet i see it more than a lot of ppl do cuz i was raised in all that but does my heart break like crazy? no, not really.
my heart breaks a lot more for a lot of other things and dat is sad. these r ppl i can relate to, these r ppl that went thru some of the same things as me and my heart doesn't break for 'em.
it's the same for other pastor's kids. instead of my heart breaking and reaching out to 'em. i wanna be reached out by them instead. and i wanna join in their anger/anguish instead of giving life to them and helping them heal.
i've gone through so much pain and hurt and i will go through more but i wish i didn't go through all that. i wish i had a happy family w/ barely any problems but i didn't. and now, i got baggage, some healed up, but still baggage. and this baggage enables me to relate to those who are also hurting. a blessing ppl say. and i agree. but dang, it is hecka hard and it's heavy. i am so glad that I am able to lay my burdens in front of God and rest. thank you Lord.
those were just some thoughts that i've had in my head but haven't been able to blog about till now. pretty random.
at the time, i couldnt see why they were sad. the only reason i kno now is when i think back, i do see y it was so sad but it still doesnt make me wanna cry.
i get the sadness and y ppl would cry but i just don't.
am i just that desensitized to things? or at least was?
but yea...dat was just a random thought...but i do cry now...sometimes...and anyways...hannah brought up something bout her being raised in a 3rd world country and in poverty making her desensitized to the other ppl living in those countries. i buy it. i think i'm desensitized to them too. i see the poverty, the hardship, their search for joy and significance and i bet i see it more than a lot of ppl do cuz i was raised in all that but does my heart break like crazy? no, not really.
my heart breaks a lot more for a lot of other things and dat is sad. these r ppl i can relate to, these r ppl that went thru some of the same things as me and my heart doesn't break for 'em.
it's the same for other pastor's kids. instead of my heart breaking and reaching out to 'em. i wanna be reached out by them instead. and i wanna join in their anger/anguish instead of giving life to them and helping them heal.
i've gone through so much pain and hurt and i will go through more but i wish i didn't go through all that. i wish i had a happy family w/ barely any problems but i didn't. and now, i got baggage, some healed up, but still baggage. and this baggage enables me to relate to those who are also hurting. a blessing ppl say. and i agree. but dang, it is hecka hard and it's heavy. i am so glad that I am able to lay my burdens in front of God and rest. thank you Lord.
those were just some thoughts that i've had in my head but haven't been able to blog about till now. pretty random.
Monday, June 22, 2009
God's is up to something...
i swear...God is up to something in my life...i haven't had so many thoughts constantly wander in my head and have me blog this much in a long long time.
haha...i'm still on the song "God of this City"...it's amazingly a better song than i thought and i already thought it was a good song...but seriously...think of the title...it's God of this city...He's God...we're not...no dur right?
but obviously it's not a given, at least for me it's not. i'll admit, i've been worried bout Davis Epic, things are changing and our staff team got smaller with still no female staff and i've been hoping for a huge solid studly freshmen class this year to make up for the seniors that graduated, not that any1 can ever replace 'em, and also give me a breath of relief for the future.
but according to this song, i've been waaaaay too worried. been dependent/relying on people, in forms of new ppl plugging into Epic of all years and also a female staff, instead of trusting God and relying on Him. seriously, He's God of Davis, not me, not people. should be trusting God in all of this. that Epic will grow and continue to be a light and the salt of UC Davis and Sac State and actually look for God to do things and not for people.
so Lord, I pray, that You move, that I look to You and for You for all aspects in my life.
oh, and I also read part of James 1 today and it was hecka interesting. James 1 is a lot on persevering through trials and stuff and today my eye just caught on verse 4, "And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" and also verse 12, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." and steadfastness means something like being firm in faith, being unwavering in faith.
and i was like daaaaaaang. if i think life is tough now and i can barely be patient waiting for things to unravel, i'm in for a huge surprise cuz this test is my whole life. but wat is encouraging is that i don't have to be perfect in my firmness of my faith now, cuz it's something that has to take its full effect so it's not completely on me but also God, which should have been a given but it's not.
to be truthful, i had to look up steadfastness when i got home ( i read James at church), and at church, i thought steadfastness was waiting cuz the passage was about persevering, obviously i was wrong but i also learned from my mistake...hehe. cuz at first i thought it meant to wait patiently, to let everything including the waiting process to take its full effect. so that mistake reminded me to be even more okay with waiting and also helped me to try to start waiting patiently cuz i hate waiting.
so yea, Lord, once again, I come and pray that I am able to trust You w/ everything I am, including my faith in You, and I lift up everything in my mind and heart to Your hands. I pray that I am able to patiently wait for Your will to be revealed and to be done.
P.S. seriously, I am expecting something to happen cuz I haven't thought this much since project. ( I think)
P.P.S. Epic is hecka short on raising support for summer project overall. if you read this and are able to financially support them, please contact those who you know are going to project and all those who read this, join me and others in prayer for all of 'em to finish support and also to be ready for their own respective projects and for God to work in their lives like crazy.
haha...i'm still on the song "God of this City"...it's amazingly a better song than i thought and i already thought it was a good song...but seriously...think of the title...it's God of this city...He's God...we're not...no dur right?
but obviously it's not a given, at least for me it's not. i'll admit, i've been worried bout Davis Epic, things are changing and our staff team got smaller with still no female staff and i've been hoping for a huge solid studly freshmen class this year to make up for the seniors that graduated, not that any1 can ever replace 'em, and also give me a breath of relief for the future.
but according to this song, i've been waaaaay too worried. been dependent/relying on people, in forms of new ppl plugging into Epic of all years and also a female staff, instead of trusting God and relying on Him. seriously, He's God of Davis, not me, not people. should be trusting God in all of this. that Epic will grow and continue to be a light and the salt of UC Davis and Sac State and actually look for God to do things and not for people.
so Lord, I pray, that You move, that I look to You and for You for all aspects in my life.
oh, and I also read part of James 1 today and it was hecka interesting. James 1 is a lot on persevering through trials and stuff and today my eye just caught on verse 4, "And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" and also verse 12, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." and steadfastness means something like being firm in faith, being unwavering in faith.
and i was like daaaaaaang. if i think life is tough now and i can barely be patient waiting for things to unravel, i'm in for a huge surprise cuz this test is my whole life. but wat is encouraging is that i don't have to be perfect in my firmness of my faith now, cuz it's something that has to take its full effect so it's not completely on me but also God, which should have been a given but it's not.
to be truthful, i had to look up steadfastness when i got home ( i read James at church), and at church, i thought steadfastness was waiting cuz the passage was about persevering, obviously i was wrong but i also learned from my mistake...hehe. cuz at first i thought it meant to wait patiently, to let everything including the waiting process to take its full effect. so that mistake reminded me to be even more okay with waiting and also helped me to try to start waiting patiently cuz i hate waiting.
so yea, Lord, once again, I come and pray that I am able to trust You w/ everything I am, including my faith in You, and I lift up everything in my mind and heart to Your hands. I pray that I am able to patiently wait for Your will to be revealed and to be done.
P.S. seriously, I am expecting something to happen cuz I haven't thought this much since project. ( I think)
P.P.S. Epic is hecka short on raising support for summer project overall. if you read this and are able to financially support them, please contact those who you know are going to project and all those who read this, join me and others in prayer for all of 'em to finish support and also to be ready for their own respective projects and for God to work in their lives like crazy.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
this day
i went to irvine today! and also the project briefing! it was a lot of fun...used up a bit of money but it was worth it. best 13 hours of summer so far oustide of davis.
i just spent a couple hours hanging out w/ cindy cuz we were waiting for lunch and then i saw jeanine and other irvine ppl i kno at lunch which was pretty good. then we went back to their respective apartments and packed up their stuff into a couple of cars and drove the ones going to project to briefing.
at briefing, i saw a bunch of ppl i knew from EHSP '08 , Davis project kids, and also ppl i've met during the year. i wasn't able to get dinner w/ 'em cuz the DC was expensive and i couldn't get swiped in so i left and got dinner w/ jeanine and the other ppl dat were visiting.
after dinner, me and jeanine went back and joined their meeting which was hecka exciting and interesting. after the meeting, the project ppl had their own team times so me, jeanine, and russell entertained ourselves w/ the mics and stuff for like an hour and a half and just left cuz we were too tired and were not able to hang out w/ the project kids but its all good. hopefully i get to come back on tuesday before they leave.
but yeah, on the way home, i was thinking ( probably not a good idea while driving) and i realized dat i learned a bunch of stuff during the meeting.
i learned that joy really comes in when loving God and trusting God comes together. I thought that was pretty awesome and that project is all about trusting God w/ every lil bit of detail and dats supposed to prepare us to trust God w/ every lil bit of detail of ourlives and I don't do that a lot. I really worry a lot and try to wonder what God's will is instead of trusting that His will will be done and that everything is in control and there is no need to worry.
also realized that i'm really excited for the people going to project this year and those who are in project right now, and i am going to pray for them like no other and hopefully continously until this moment in their lives is over.
oh! and there was this one video on "Q.A.S. (Quiet Asian Syndrome)", it was pretty funny but i wonder if we were laughing not only b/c it was pretty funny but also to make ourselves believe that it is comical and not dat big of a problem. but the truth is, that it is a huge problem and its not gonna fix itself. i'm not saying i didnt laugh either, cuz i did, but i'd say some part of me was laughing to numb the relativity of the video to my life, cuz honestly, i've lived with Q.A.S. all my life and had it myself and sometimes the syndrome does come back and i become quiet. its the truth, it sucks, but asians tend to be too quiet and have this so called syndrome. (it's not a real doctoral syndrome to my knowledge)
and there was also this time of sharing, where the students were sharing in front of the whole group their story of how they got to this point of going to project and it seemed like the subject of still raising support was not shared. like, all the ppl dat were sharing was how they got called to go to project or how God provided but none of God still providing. i was pretty sad there wasn't cuz i'm sure some ppl were worried and discouraged and i'm pretty sure if some1 came up and shared that they arent dont w/ raising support, not to have a pity party but to encourage and testify to the fact that God will provide and is faithful, it would really help those who are discouraged b/c they havent raised their full support yet. oh wells.
one last thing, this is one long blog, sorry, but there's a lot on my mind. but anyways, on the way home, the song "God of this City" was playing, and i'm just beginning to learn the heart behind the lyrics and why A.K. chose to have dat song played at the end of project. it was cuz this song is an encouraging song and also a song of thankfulness and gratefulness. i can't think of an way to explain this except to show it.
so here goes, and this goes out to all the graduates and those leaving Davis or any ministry, thank you for all the work and service you have done for the Lord and for the city you were in, and to you i also say, GREATER THINGS ARE STILL TO BE DONE b/c GOD IS GOD OF ALL THESE CITIES, so thank you and even greater things will be done through the Lord. :)
P.S. i really need to work on titles
i just spent a couple hours hanging out w/ cindy cuz we were waiting for lunch and then i saw jeanine and other irvine ppl i kno at lunch which was pretty good. then we went back to their respective apartments and packed up their stuff into a couple of cars and drove the ones going to project to briefing.
at briefing, i saw a bunch of ppl i knew from EHSP '08 , Davis project kids, and also ppl i've met during the year. i wasn't able to get dinner w/ 'em cuz the DC was expensive and i couldn't get swiped in so i left and got dinner w/ jeanine and the other ppl dat were visiting.
after dinner, me and jeanine went back and joined their meeting which was hecka exciting and interesting. after the meeting, the project ppl had their own team times so me, jeanine, and russell entertained ourselves w/ the mics and stuff for like an hour and a half and just left cuz we were too tired and were not able to hang out w/ the project kids but its all good. hopefully i get to come back on tuesday before they leave.
but yeah, on the way home, i was thinking ( probably not a good idea while driving) and i realized dat i learned a bunch of stuff during the meeting.
i learned that joy really comes in when loving God and trusting God comes together. I thought that was pretty awesome and that project is all about trusting God w/ every lil bit of detail and dats supposed to prepare us to trust God w/ every lil bit of detail of ourlives and I don't do that a lot. I really worry a lot and try to wonder what God's will is instead of trusting that His will will be done and that everything is in control and there is no need to worry.
also realized that i'm really excited for the people going to project this year and those who are in project right now, and i am going to pray for them like no other and hopefully continously until this moment in their lives is over.
oh! and there was this one video on "Q.A.S. (Quiet Asian Syndrome)", it was pretty funny but i wonder if we were laughing not only b/c it was pretty funny but also to make ourselves believe that it is comical and not dat big of a problem. but the truth is, that it is a huge problem and its not gonna fix itself. i'm not saying i didnt laugh either, cuz i did, but i'd say some part of me was laughing to numb the relativity of the video to my life, cuz honestly, i've lived with Q.A.S. all my life and had it myself and sometimes the syndrome does come back and i become quiet. its the truth, it sucks, but asians tend to be too quiet and have this so called syndrome. (it's not a real doctoral syndrome to my knowledge)
and there was also this time of sharing, where the students were sharing in front of the whole group their story of how they got to this point of going to project and it seemed like the subject of still raising support was not shared. like, all the ppl dat were sharing was how they got called to go to project or how God provided but none of God still providing. i was pretty sad there wasn't cuz i'm sure some ppl were worried and discouraged and i'm pretty sure if some1 came up and shared that they arent dont w/ raising support, not to have a pity party but to encourage and testify to the fact that God will provide and is faithful, it would really help those who are discouraged b/c they havent raised their full support yet. oh wells.
one last thing, this is one long blog, sorry, but there's a lot on my mind. but anyways, on the way home, the song "God of this City" was playing, and i'm just beginning to learn the heart behind the lyrics and why A.K. chose to have dat song played at the end of project. it was cuz this song is an encouraging song and also a song of thankfulness and gratefulness. i can't think of an way to explain this except to show it.
so here goes, and this goes out to all the graduates and those leaving Davis or any ministry, thank you for all the work and service you have done for the Lord and for the city you were in, and to you i also say, GREATER THINGS ARE STILL TO BE DONE b/c GOD IS GOD OF ALL THESE CITIES, so thank you and even greater things will be done through the Lord. :)
P.S. i really need to work on titles
Friday, June 19, 2009
home
i realize i get hungry a lot! not just for physical food but for spiritual food, i get really hungry for God. especially when i'm at home.
i don't think much at home, i really just go through the motions a lot when i'm home and it sucks. i constantly feel something is missing or drained when i'm not enganged in anything that makes me think about God.
all this is just making me realize, i really need to be more intentional on spending time w/ God and also being a good son to my parents. because i suck at reading the Bible, I really do. and helping my parents throw the trash or do the dishes isnt part of the motions i go through. I really need to be intentional on all of this.
I'm happy I already did these a few times but dang, I really gotta think to do it. it's so not natural. I find it pretty sad and frustrating.
in other news, i really miss a lot of people, especially those that I haven't talked to in a while. and i'm excited to go to irvine tomorrow. oh!...and i really need to figure out what to do for Father's day.
i don't think much at home, i really just go through the motions a lot when i'm home and it sucks. i constantly feel something is missing or drained when i'm not enganged in anything that makes me think about God.
all this is just making me realize, i really need to be more intentional on spending time w/ God and also being a good son to my parents. because i suck at reading the Bible, I really do. and helping my parents throw the trash or do the dishes isnt part of the motions i go through. I really need to be intentional on all of this.
I'm happy I already did these a few times but dang, I really gotta think to do it. it's so not natural. I find it pretty sad and frustrating.
in other news, i really miss a lot of people, especially those that I haven't talked to in a while. and i'm excited to go to irvine tomorrow. oh!...and i really need to figure out what to do for Father's day.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
one year
wow...it's been a year since I got on a plane to Hawaii for the Epic Hawaii Summer Project of '08.
Been through so much since then and God has showed and taught me many things in this past year. it's been for sure a trip, especially on project but for some reason, i dont know what i'm feeling. but one thing is for sure, I'm hecka being reflective right now and only one thing comes out, God is freaking amazing and good.
These are just some things God taught me on that trip and this past school year:
- I was bitter against my parents especially my dad
- I needed to learn how to give grace to my parents and to others
- I need to see and accept both the good and the bad of people.
- Learned to tell the truth and give grace to my parents ( and the results have been amazing)
- Trust that God is in control of things and that His will is good, pleasing, and perfect
- God doesn't need me to do His work cuz He can do so much better.
- When God does use me, it's such a privilege
- God is working in people's lives with or without me.
- God has already planned all my good works for Him
- I still need to take the 1st step to get to know people and be the one that is vulnerable first
- My love languages affect my relationship w/ God a lot more than I thought.
Man, there are so many things but above all, I learned bout the power of grace and just how big God really is.
Hawaii was amazing, project was amazing, my ohana is amazing, but nothing compares to God and what He had planned for me for this whole past year exclamating my experience last summer. I thank God for all of this, and I thank for those who supported me to Hawaii, and I thank my ohana and my friends who were a part of this past year, walking with me and for being there. I miss you my ohana, the graduates, and my Davis Epic community and I thank you all.
Been through so much since then and God has showed and taught me many things in this past year. it's been for sure a trip, especially on project but for some reason, i dont know what i'm feeling. but one thing is for sure, I'm hecka being reflective right now and only one thing comes out, God is freaking amazing and good.
These are just some things God taught me on that trip and this past school year:
- I was bitter against my parents especially my dad
- I needed to learn how to give grace to my parents and to others
- I need to see and accept both the good and the bad of people.
- Learned to tell the truth and give grace to my parents ( and the results have been amazing)
- Trust that God is in control of things and that His will is good, pleasing, and perfect
- God doesn't need me to do His work cuz He can do so much better.
- When God does use me, it's such a privilege
- God is working in people's lives with or without me.
- God has already planned all my good works for Him
- I still need to take the 1st step to get to know people and be the one that is vulnerable first
- My love languages affect my relationship w/ God a lot more than I thought.
Man, there are so many things but above all, I learned bout the power of grace and just how big God really is.
Hawaii was amazing, project was amazing, my ohana is amazing, but nothing compares to God and what He had planned for me for this whole past year exclamating my experience last summer. I thank God for all of this, and I thank for those who supported me to Hawaii, and I thank my ohana and my friends who were a part of this past year, walking with me and for being there. I miss you my ohana, the graduates, and my Davis Epic community and I thank you all.
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