Saturday, February 27, 2010

what do I want

what do you want to do? what do YOU want in life? what does your soul, what does your heart desire in life?

this was a question posted to a pastor when he was in counseling and he shared this in a sermon.

link is: http://www.xarischurch.org/sermons/xaris20100207.html

it's a good sermon.

anyways, the question got me thinking. what do I want in life? what does my soul and heart desire in life?

my instincts, my immediate answer was to be with God, to serve Him.

my uttermost desire in life is to glorify God and to be with Him.

I am so happy and relieved that my instincts said this answer b/c I've been struggling with God the past couple of days for some reason and it has left me really emo/depressed/w.e. The point is that I was/am not doing well.

I am comforted that my deepest desire is still to be with God and only He can satisfy me and not relationships or my work or other things that I struggle with and take my attention away from God.

this comfort, this relief, this peace, makes it all easier to let go of the things I want to control, of the things that make me feel safe, of the things that distract me from God.

not saying it's not gonna be hard but it definitely is gonna be a little bit easier now.

dangerous prayer here I come:

"Lord, I love you. I need you. I want you and only you. Thank you for everything. Take whatever you want. whatever Lord. whatever. I give you my all. I lay it all down. Amen."

Sunday, February 21, 2010

influence

anyways...i've been thinking about influence quite a bit lately.

i'm beginning to realize i influence a lot of people. some i influence directly and some is cuz i'm a leader and looked up to in a way.

i am so not used to being looked up to. I'm used to being the young one who does not really have to set an example for others in the ministry. but now, it is my responsibility. I gotta be honest, being a model for others is weird for me and hard. I'm not used to being the good example, an example of grace, love, truth, serving, and etc.

i've begun to notice that the people I do influence directly hold characteristics of myself and some I do not like. I see these people being mean at times, crude at times, violent at times too.

there has also been some people that have jokingly said that I am a bad influence and I have not taken any offense to these statements but it has made me think about the influence I am giving off.

I am not the young one anymore. I am a leader of a movement. I influence many people. I am being watched by others. Considering all this, what has been said, and what I'm noticing, I need to watch what I say and do.

this is going to be a challenge for me. what to change, what to stop, what to limit, and what to keep as my personality?

Lord help me. give me discernment. may I be more and more like You. may they see You and not me.

Monday, February 15, 2010

asking for/receiving help

y do i find it hard for me to receive help?

i could be tired, in pain, busy, stressed, but i choose to be stubborn and not ask for help or even receive help that is being offered to me.

instead, i choose to be "independent" and push myself to the limit and even more. and then after i've broken down, i complain bout how much work I had and sometimes even say that I was not being ministered to.

so stupid Gabe.

an example of my stupidity/stubbornness would at curry night for my freshman at my place. I was suddenly overcome with migraines and fatigue and i retreated into my room and napped.
when i woke, Hannah and Tim both asked me at different times if they could get me water or anything. and i said no. and a minute later, I got out of my bed and got water and some meds while stumbling a bit because i haven't fully recovered yet.

I was selfish and stubborn and stupid.

right now i'm in a very busy week schoolwise after coming out of a busy week ministry wise and I'm tired, very tired. I did not rest much over the weekend and I'm pushing myself to work. killing parts of my body in the process and stressing myself out.

and yet, I choose to only rely on myself and not on the community around me. I choose solitary to destress instead of community. I choose to go through all this by myself with my own strenght.

I have no idea why I do this. why I find it hard, extremely hard, for me to ask for help and even receive help. but it is stupid of me to be like this.

God help me. Help me see the community that I have around me and the blessings/help you have in store for me through the people arond mewhile I'm busy and tired. Humble me Lord and let me able to ask for help when needed and receive help. Give me the awareness and humility to know when I need help and to admit it.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

sin

there is so much sin and pain in this world. it's really discouraging. at times, when I think about the pain and hurt people are going through, it's hard to live w/ hope. i just get extremely sad.

an example would be seeing my brothers struggle, going through the same things I did/I am and going through even more pain and different types of pressures and hurts. It makes my heart break and me cry.

another would be how a lot of us try to spend as little time as we can with our family, we try to leave Davis the latest we can and get back to Davis the earliest we can. it's heartbreaking. this is our families we are talking about and yet family life is so hard we try to stay safe and comfortable as much as we can. truly sad that this is a reality.

there will be one day where there will be no more pain, no more tears. I hope, I pray that that day comes soon. I hope, I pray that people will realize the hope, peace, comfort, joy, and many other things Jesus offers while sin continues to wreak havoc in their lives and all over the world.

God be oh so very real to all of your creation that we can not ignore who you are and have no other choice but to acknowledge you, fall on our knees, praise you, and proclaim who you are.

Monday, February 8, 2010

ministry

i love ministry!

just seeing people getting excited for what they are doing is so awesome! Even better is learning what their vision is and being able to go alongside that is pretty exciting!

I just love being able to support people's visions for what they are doing and even give them the go ahead. Supporting these leaders and telling them to go for it. It's so awesome!

I am excited for these leaders and what they have in store and what God has in store for them and what He will do through them and what He has in store for Epic and how He's going to use Epic for the spreading of His kingdom.

In other news, the last time I checked, NO is an answer. So when a person doesn't get what the person prayed for, it does not mean God did not answer the prayer but instead answered "no".

possibly more on this later (might rant).