Sunday, July 26, 2009

i wanna change

i can change...i can change...i can change...right?

for sures i am a new creation. the old has gone. i know this. and i'm free from sin. i am no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness.

but why the eff does old gabe keep on reappearing? y does old gabe keep on winning, resulting in me falling into temptation and sinning?

i freaking want to change. to change the fact dat i keep on losing. to change the fact dat sometimes i don't have the desire to fight.

i have the ability to win. I got God on my side. but i don't do anything. i just lose. and i wanna freaking change dat! i wanna trust God. i wanna change and stop failing. i'm losing and i'm hating it. i don't like to lose but that's all i keep on doing.

God! help me! help me change! help me trust You! let me see/know what trusting You looks like! give me the desire and will to fight!...please... :'( ...

Sunday, July 19, 2009

this war is real, this war hurts

learned today from reading "Wild at Heart" which also referenced "The Screwtape Letters" that guilt, that beating myself up, is obviously not healthy but also that its from Satan, it's one of his tactics, to make things bigger than it is and to lose oneself from the truth.

sadly, i struggle w/ beating myself up. just today, i also learned that i've been passive aggressive and weasely to my parents on the subject of them wanting to go up w/ me to Davis on Aug. 2.

at first I did not know if i wanted them to come up but I was acting like I didn't want them to w/o really saying it. but now, I want them to come up. but I also beated myself up to a point where I became weak and vulnerable to temptation and more of Satan's attack.

but thanks to the grace of God, I was able to reach out to my community and was able to have truth be told to me so i could resist temptation and pray so that I can grasp the big picture, the truth, and cling to it.

this whole experience, while I'm still trying to stand and fight again, is very enlightening. I've just gotten a bigger sense of understanding for what community is for and i love community esp. my community God has given me even more.

and I also learned that this war is real and not just in the spiritual realm. boy was i wrong thinking that this war was really in the spiritual realm and not taking it seriously but its time to say NO! this war is happening inside me and all around. and this war hurts. this war creates wounds. there will be battles i will win and battles i will lose but I got Christ on my side and my "band of brothers" fighting alongside me. and this war's end has been written and we will be victorious!

boy am i happy that my eyes are even more open to the truth and the way things really are around me. and now, since i'm even more aware of all this, it's time to prepare for war and fight and bring alongside my "band of brothers" and open the eyes of those who are not aware yet.

time to put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6: 10-18) my community, my "band of brothers" (includes both my brothers and sisters in Christ ). please be ready so that you won't be like me and lose so many battles and feel so weak and vulnerable and continue to fail. God bless. :)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

family vacation

today i just got back from taking a trip to seattle/vancouver with my family for vacation. the trip was from monday morning to friday morning.

the trip contained a various mix of feelings and events that has put me in a place where i can not tell if it was an awesome trip, a horrible trip, an ok trip, etc.

(one thing is for sure tho, i loved summer seattle weather)

i can say that i enjoyed being a tourist and looking around the sights of seattle and enjoying the mixture of city-like views and nature views. it was pretty awesome. vancouver was pretty cool too but i liked seattle better. :D

so the cities i visited were just fine but the family part was the confusing part.

it was a mix of confusion, frustration, apathy, sadness, and joy.

confusion - various options given to us w/ me wanting my dad to plan it all so i can just go w/ the flow b/c i was tired of planning stuff. but the prob was dat my dad wanted us to plan which leads to frustration.

frustration 1- i am always the copilot. me and the gps giving my dad directions. problem is, my dad tends to second guess stuff when things throw a curveball. he even second guesses wat i say and wat i trust in the gps. it just lead to a lot of frustration on both parts b/c i didn't want to navigate anymore b/c of the lack of trust but my dad wanted me to do it cuz every1 else stinks. this leads to sadness.

frustration 2- my bros and my aunt wanted to just go w/ the flow kinda like me but my parents esp. my dad wanted us to choose where to go. well...it ended up dat my dad semi planned and it was enjoyable ( at least for me) but not for my dad. apparently he was frustrated dat we didnt plan ( the reason we didnt plan is usually we dislike wat he chooses) and he was thinking we were frustrated. this fact leads to apathy.

apathy- b/c i just wanted to go w/ the flow being tired from ministering and leading, i just plainly didn't care if my dad was frustrated or not. i just wanted to enjoy being w/ my fam checking out an awesome city.

sadness- w/ my dad second guessing me and basically not trusting in my directions and in wat i was saying, i grew extremely discouraged and sad. my dad didn't trust me. and that hurt. it really hurt.

happiness- save the good part for kinda last i guess. haha. i did have some fun w/ my fam. and it was awesome. period.

i wanna focus on the bad parts right now. cuz frustration and sadness usually completely ruin the trip for me from the very start these things surface but it didn't. it obviously brought my mood down but it didn't ruin everything. dat was suprising. but wats more surprising is that i was sad my dad didn't trust me b/c i wanted his approval and him not trusting me not only hurt me but apparently made me doubt who i am as a man.

but thx to God, i realize that I don't need his approval or his trust b/c God trusts me and approves of me and is pleased of me. i've been so dependent in looking for my answers and affirmation as a man in my father ( like any male does) and that needed to change. i need to look to God and i'm beginning to do that once again. it is hard tho but its worth it.

dang, this summer has been really about trusting God w/ everything and going to Him first as a sign of dependency on Him and focus on Him.

and all this also has made me think of the reason i blog. and i've come to a point where i say i blog so that God may be glorified in what I share of His work in me and through me and also that I can share my life to those that read this.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

the search for significance

i just finished reading the book called "the search for significance" by robert s. McGee

it is such an amazing book when read with the workbook and also a heart to not just to get through it but to examine oneself also.

man, who knew 4 small truths can be so big!

I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God
I am totally accepted by God
I am deeply loved by God
I am absolutely complete in Christ


the two that hit me the most are the 1st two. that I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God and totally accepted by God.

it just feels so free-ing being affirmed in these two again. i've lived a performance based life for so long it's so hard to give up those performance based habits of feeling good of myself when i meet certain standards or when people approve of me.

but that is so wrong. there is no standard to God being pleased with me, He is already fully pleased with me and that is enough. I do not need people to be pleased with me although i do struggle with this. esp. with my dad. oh how i long for him to be completely pleased with me.

i also don't need people to approve of me because God accepts completely and He has made me acceptable. that is enough.

this also means, I don't have to be scared of meeting new people. i'm usually scared to open up and meet new people b/c I'm scared of being hurt, of being rejected. but b/c I am accepted by God and He loves me and I am complete in Him and I am pleasing to Him, I don't have to be scared.

so i pray I am to be bold from now on. and I am able to trust on God and lean on Him. that I am able to be assured in Him, in the fact that He accepts me, He is pleased, He loves, and He completed me and not on people's opinions and not on my performance.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

hate home

i am hating home right now.

i just had a short convo w/ my dad about sin which involved me admitting that i do struggle w/ "something" and him asking me "y can't u just stop?"

it just left me feeling alone and lonely. and thinking that my dad is disgusted w/ me and what i struggle with.

it even shows cuz he changed the subject after he asked me how often i do fall and me lying to him saying "once in a while" he even fell asleep eventually.

this is lame. i'm feeling so sad. i want my community so bad. i don't want to be home right now.

Monday, July 6, 2009

my church had a retreat this past thursday to saturday. it was ok...i think.

me and my partner was in charge of the youth program and there were some bumps but it was overall fun esp. when there were two church at the retreat.

i was able to hang out w/ some of the youth from my church and get to kno 'em a bit more but i've come to realize i really don't kno any of 'em except my partner really but i still dont kno him really well.

but i'm happy for this retreat and the time i got to spend with my friends at church cuz it's made me realize that i can have fun here at home and church and also have a healthy community at church.

i love serving the youth at my church but idk where to begin to teach them b/c they're so young in their faith. but i kno this, i love doing ministry in any form for the Lord. i really get refreshed and even sometimes get fed myself.

but oh boy, is God amazing. even when i dont prepare dat well for a lesson, God still works through the lesson. man, this year has been truly eye opening about God and how He can work in people and through people in so many different but relatable ways.

oh...one last thing...pray for me cuz lately sometimes i've been feeling like something is eating me up inside.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

random spewing of my mind

i am a failure. i know God wants to work in me and through me but i just walk away. i numb myself by following the desires of my body and ignore what God is doing.

but God is amazing. He continued to call me and pull me back these past few days as i tried to walk away. and oh man, is God strong. and as I am less numb to everything, I am more willing to fight and rely on God and let Him work in me and oh man is God's work amazing.

soo many hidden blessings through everyday things and also trials. soo many lessons.

oh how i wish i'm in davis right now so that I can be with my friends and my community and minister to them. but i'm stuck here in so cal, lost, not knowing what i'm supposed to do, who i'm supposed to minister to or serve, not knowing how.

i do feel lost. quite lost in many things. idk how i do get through stuff. it's pretty amazing. but man, each day, my heart continues to break, break for those who are hurting, those who are lost, my heart breaks for the people i'm around and those that i see.

i want to see/hear of hearts breaking, masks taken off, knees bent, people broken and vulnerable this summer, this next year, everyday, and especially this retreat that my church is having tomorrow till saturday.

each time i think of how much i want to see this and how much my heart breaks, i lean closer to a decision that i may have to make in a year or two.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

question

one question: what is the 1st thing that pops into your mind when you learn that some1 is a pastor's kid?

i'm curious and please post your opinions or tell me. thank you :)

P.S. maybe i'll post a real blog soon :) still not sure yet