freaking out

i am starting to freak out!

gah! it is freaking scary.

my best to my parents mean that I get A's and B's on occasion.

and given this, what I am doing now for my 2 midterms tomorrow is not good enough for them.

and I have stupidly found myself in a hole and perpetual circle of studying and doing school for them and not for God.

there isn't much more I can do right now to study but I know that there is little chance that I'll ace both midterms tomorrow at this state and thus I am freaking out.

why the heck am I doing this for my parents and not for God? I have no idea but I am freaking out and scared.

weird

I loved conference! it's my favorite one so far. but yet, I got nothing to blog about it.

weird

I find myself out bursting in anger twice in these past two days. Made me realize that I've outbursted in anger a lot of times this year starting in summer session 2.

weird

I wonder what's happening to me. what's making things so different. what's making things so weird. cuz i gots no idea.

P.S. the Epic Men 6 feet and under IM b-ball team lost their 1st game. I was out hustled in that game.

weird

masterpiece

(2nd part of a 2 part blog)

there may be even a 3rd blog to this one.

this is the main reason for these past two blogs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXut0HxncvY&feature=related

anyways, I am God's original masterpiece. Gabriel Fances is God's original masterpiece.

that is how God sees me, that is how I need to see myself, but I don't a lot of times.

I see myself as unworthy so many times in an unhealthy way.

The reason I see myself like this is b/c of the amount of sin I commit or struggle with.

One of the reasons I struggle and fall into since so much is b/c of my fear of loneliness. I fear being alone and the feeling of not being known. and when I have time to think, mostly when I'm about to sleep, I hear sooo many lies in my head. Lies telling me that ppl don't know me, my friends don't know me, that ppl are going to hurt me again, and to stop these lies or more like ignore them, I do things that would shut off my brain or distract it and some/most of them are sinful.

Another reason is my unsatisfaction with myself. I am unsatisfied with where I am and who I am and with what I continuously struggle with and/or fail to do. My parent's unsatisfaction with my results in school or whit what I do or with who I am is also added to this. And each time I sin, I am more and more unsatisfied with myself, and like the thoughts of loneliness, I try to ignore the thoughts of unsatisfaction and thus its a perpetual circle.

Gah! I feel like junk. I know how God sees me. and that is as righteous, as a masterpiece, and many more good perfect things. but it's so hard for me to believe. I know the truth but I don't bank on these things, I don't have faith in these things and I wonder why I don't.

but I do take joy in the fact that there are times I do believe these things. That there are times that I do believe and see that I am God's original masterpiece.

Gabriel Fances is God's original masterpiece and so are you. God does not make junk.

God chisel out all this junk that is not of me. I surrender myself to You, all that I am. I want to be used by You for Your glory, Your kingdom, Your work, and Your will.

mirror

(part 1 of a 2 part blog)

when i wake up in the morning and look in the mirror who do I see?

I see myself. I see junk. or more as a masterpiece covered in junk that I can't wash off.

I know I am covered by Jesus' blood and that God sees me as righteous and that I have been made in His image and many more but I still struggle with how I see myself and each time I learn or hear more of who I truly am in Christ and how God sees me, it affects me greatly and touches my heart.

it's surprising to me on how I still need to be reminded of these things and continue to apply these implications of the gospel in my life and heart.

I see myself covered in junk or as junk (not sure) when I look in the mirror. I want to see Jesus instead.

hunger and thirst for righteousness

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied" Matthew 5:6 (ESV)

what does it mean to hunger and thirst for righteousness? the basic answer for this question is somewhat clear (needing to have or be righteousness so much that it can only satisfy the daily needs of drinking and eating ) but what does it really mean? what are the costs and struggles that come with wanting/needing righteousness this much?

to be honest, it is way too easy for me to fall into sin and I know that's true for a lot of people but each time I fall into sin, I get frustrated at myself. is that a part of being hungry and thirsty for righteousness? I don't know.

but I do know this, it's not a part of the joy of my salvation given to me by Jesus Christ. What I think having the joy of salvation means that even though I struggle and fall into sin, I remember my salvation and I am in the process of being restored and am joyful that I am in this process and willing to continue to fight and pursue righteousness.

I may be wrong too. haha.

I know this though. Because of the gospel, God sending His one and only, Jesus Christ, to walk on this sinful world fully human and fully God and living a sinless life only to die on the cross for our sins but rising from the dead on the 3rd day signifying victory; I am saved, redeemed, reconciled, restored/being restored, forgiven, and many many more.

and for this I am joyful, I seek righteousness, I want to continue to be joyful, I want to tell others of this good news, and many many more.

Thank you God. You are truly holy, good, majestic, glorious, worthy, sovereign, and many more. I love you. May I remember who You are and what You have done and Your name be glorified.