i'm weird

i'm weird...hehe

i'm :D

i'm joyous and free!

but given the circumstances, i shouldn't be

i'm not really emotionally healthy right now

i've been using God to run from God, doing for God instead of being with God, and living without limits

there's a lot of work needed to be done in me

i needs to learn to let go of power and control and surrender to my limits

there's also a lot of responsibility on my shoulders that i'm bearing

but there's nothing I can do, literally, the only way I can become healthy and learn all these things is by God's grace

so i'm completely dependent on God and i'm loving it b/c I trust Him.

and this complete dependency is leaving me feeling so joyous and free.

:D

next quarter, next year, my grades, my life, my responsibilities, my relationships, it's not about me, it's about Him and His glory and enjoying Him. :D

the alter and the door

for some reason all day today this song kept on popping up so i finally listened to it and i semi-see why now.

the link is :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjRFZEpihNc

the lyrics are below:

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong way traveling, slowly unraveling, shell of a man
Burn out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner, of my cold, cold heart

Lord this time, I'll make it right
Here at the altar I lay my life
You're kingdom come and my will was done
My heart is broken as I cry....

Like so many times before
But my eyes
Are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try...(I'll try)
but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

Here at the altar
Oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What you've shown me to be right

Lord this time (Lord this time)
I'll make it right (make it right)
Here at the altar I lay my life
You're kingdom come, but my will was done
my heart is broken as I cry

Like so many times before
but my eyes, are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try... (I'll try)

but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

I'm trying so hard, to stop trying so hard
just let you be who you are
Lord who You are in me

Jesus I'm trying so hard
to stop trying so hard
Just let you be who you are
Lord who You are in me, Oh Lord I...

Cry....
like so many times before
but my eyes are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try...(I'll try)
but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

Cry...(My eyes are dry)
Like so many times before (So many times)
But my eyes (eyes)
Are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try (I'll try)
But this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

try...(trying so hard)
like so many times before... (try so hard)

life

i chose a train cuz idk what else fits but there's probably better analogies since this one is probably faulty. anyways here it is:

you're on a stop. the train pulls up. you do not know where it is going but the conductor calls you to join him and take a ride with him. you do not really know the conductor but he seems trustworthy and safe.

He says, "come, join me, I want you to experience this ride with me."

you decide to take this chance. with all your baggage (that's really heavy and hurtful and too much in your own power to take care of) and everything that's been happening and failing, you have no reason not to take this chance and maybe finally find rest, peace, and joy.

you take all your baggage with you into the train but someone who holds the identity of the conductor but at the same time different takes all your baggage and says, "I will and have taken care of all your burdens, find rest and relax."

you take a seat and see in the train that there are others like you, full of baggage and looking for a purpose, some of their baggage are the same as yours and some are different. you also see that with each passenger you see is another person that holds the same identity as the conductor and the baggage taker but this person is looks exactly the same (like this person is everywhere) and you realize that he is also with you.

the train starts and leaves the station. you look out and see different things. some are amazing, some are peaceful, some are disturbing, some are depressing, etc.

you soon realize that each passenger's view is different, they may not see the same thing you are seeing at the same moment but they are available to talk to and care for you and vice versa. you also find that the person that is always with you seems to be a guide and helps you understand the things you see and experience.

at times, you are enjoying your ride getting to know others, the conductor, the baggage taker, the guide, and the view.

at times you are distracted and lose hope and start worrying where you are going and what's going to happen b/c of the negative views you are seeing.

at times you start worrying about your baggage and you actually go to your baggage and start working on your stuff losing the opportunity to experience the lives of everyone on the train and also the amazing views.

you also realize that when you are distracted working on your baggage the conductor slows the train down trying to get you to stop, relax, and experience the ride. you also find the baggage taker saying, "I have and am taking care of you baggage, trust me, and find rest."

as you learn more and more about the conductor, baggage taker, and guide with the other passengers you learn to trust these three who hold the same identity, to love them, and to want others to know him.

you decide to become more and more like him and also to invite others to join on the ride with whoever you meet at stops even though you still do not know where the train ride is going exactly.

but you also find yourself struggling to do what you desire, being distracted by your baggage and things outside, but you also find that he is continously forgiving and graceful. being patient, loving, and encouraging.

eventually the ride ends. and the conductor says "well done good and faithful servant, you are my son who I am well pleased."

you wonder and say, " I don't deserve anything, I haven't done anything at all."

but He says, "you chose to trust me and in my promises. that is enough, my son, the baggage taker, has taken care of everything and bore everything for you. He has paid your payment and made you worthy to be on this ride by dying and rising from the dead."

you look back and see people who were not on the train with you begging, crying, suffering, wanting to be forgiven and be at the destination. and you ask, "what about them, what's happening?"

He says, "they chose not to trust me, my promises, and believe who my Son is and what He has done for them and now it's too late and must pay for their sins and that is their punishment/payment, Hell."

you soon learn that you are in heaven and that in heaven, there's no more suffering, pain, and tears and that everyone knows the conductor and worships him and you join them. you join them and worship for thousands of years but it all seems to be just one day.



i don't know how i got all this but yea, just a little, but probably a lot at the same time, of what I see/experience.

if you still don't know what the analogy is about. contact me and lets talk.