to jump or not to jump?

I almost drowned two times while growing up.

The first time happened when I was 5. The deep end didn't look so deep so I walked to it from the shallow end. I slipped and started drowning, luckily I was near an edge and was able to hold on till someone noticed me and saved me.

Because of that first time, I was afraid to swim. When I was like 8 or 9, maybe 10, my parents had me have swimming lessons. On the first day, I was told to jump into the pool which was 3 and a half feet. I was clearly taller than the depth of the pool but I was still afraid.

I eventually jumped and started learning how to swim. Then while playing marco polo at a pool with my brother and a friend, I somehow made it to the deep end while blind by walking on some edge underwater. But then I unknowingly stepped off the edge and started drowning. That was the second time I drowned.

Ever since then I'm afraid of drowning, afraid of deep waters and waters of unknown depth. But for some reason, this fear has not kept me from swimming toward the deep end of a pool or go farther into the ocean to join my friends who are having fun. And the more I join them and have fun with them and experience joy and belonging, the less I hesitate to go to the deep end. I still don't jump into the deep end but I will swim there.

This is how I see how I am doing a bit right now:

There's a pool with all my friends which I used to enjoy with them. Dreaming, hoping, having fun, and enjoying life, the pool, God and His blessings. But one day I started drowning and got scared to go into the pool. And I was able to overcome that fear a little and start willing to try out the pool but ended up drowning again.

Now I'm scared to even go into the pool. Just standing on the side, seeing my friends and longing to join them and have fun. I stand, scared, knowing that it is good, it is fun, it is what I need and I tell people also to jump. To dream, hope, enjoy, have fun. But I do not join. I don't jump in. I'm too scared to.

I stay outside b/c I am scared that I would drown again. To have the enjoyment be taken away by drowning. I stay outside because I know it is safe. I know what will and will not happen to me by the side of the pool. I am missing out but I at least feel safe and in control.

to jump or not to jump? that is the question.

another analogy would be:

there's a green field with a huge shady tree next to a stream. The scenery is so peaceful and I am under the tree enjoying all of it, enjoying God and praising Him and being thankful for His blessings.

Then a storm hits. Winds blow hard. Thunder blows. Lightning strikes. The waters fierce. I get scared and run to hide. Hiding from all the scary things and holding on to what I know is safe.

The storm finally ends and the peaceful scenery comes back. But I am still cowering in the corner, hiding. Scared to enjoy the peace, enjoy the blessings. Afraid that the storm will come back and I will have to run again and "lose" my hope, my joy.

I stay in the corner because I know the storm will not affect me. I know what is coming to me. I know I am safe although miserable, scared, and missing out.

to go out or not to go out? that is the question.

sigh. I want to jump. I want to go out. It takes faith to do it. It takes a focus and a taking refuge of the good memories to do it. I want to. I'm going to try to jump, to go out. I hope I will follow through. Help me God to have faith, to take refuge.

the end?

it's basically the end of the winter quarter of my senior year in Davis. My last year in Davis.

In about 2 weeks and a half, the last quarter of my collegiate career, my last quarter in Davis will start.

I can't believe it. It's almost been 4 years. Time has gone by so fast.

This is not the way I wanted by senior year to be.

I do not want to end my time in Davis like this.

This is not the way I want things to be emotionally and relationally. I did and do not want to have gone through all of this pain, struggle, insecurities, and so much more emotionally and relationally this year.

I do not want to be where I want to leave Davis as soon as I can so I just can escape pain and painful memories.

I do not want to say goodbye this way. Even more, I do not want to say goodbye at all to some people. I want to end my senior year with a bang. With joy. With happiness. With gratefulness. With thankfulness. With satisfaction. I want to have those who I am closest to now to be my lifelong friends.

I want these friends, these people, these brothers and sisters, to be my lifelong friends. Those who I know and am known by.

I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to desire to escape Davis. I didn't want my senior year to be like this. I don't want to be like this right now. This is not what I wanted emotionally and relationally.

Good thing I have another quarter right? Right? Right? I hope so...

God this is my heart and you know there is so much more that I am aware of and there is even more than that that I am not aware of. Lord help me to trust you and believe that You are good to me. That I am not alone and that it is good for You to be in control. May I trust in You, believe in Your goodness, have joy in You, and find peace in You. Above all, let me be me, let me be Gabe, and continue to make me into who You have made me to be and make me aware of what You are doing, of who I am, of who You are, and the great awesome things You have in store for me not just in Heaven but now as well. Be glorified O Lord and reveal your majesty and glory. Amen.

Help...