random

idk y...but i barely cry at movies now. i nvr cried be4 Davis, even those real sad movies.

at the time, i couldnt see why they were sad. the only reason i kno now is when i think back, i do see y it was so sad but it still doesnt make me wanna cry.

i get the sadness and y ppl would cry but i just don't.

am i just that desensitized to things? or at least was?

but yea...dat was just a random thought...but i do cry now...sometimes...and anyways...hannah brought up something bout her being raised in a 3rd world country and in poverty making her desensitized to the other ppl living in those countries. i buy it. i think i'm desensitized to them too. i see the poverty, the hardship, their search for joy and significance and i bet i see it more than a lot of ppl do cuz i was raised in all that but does my heart break like crazy? no, not really.
my heart breaks a lot more for a lot of other things and dat is sad. these r ppl i can relate to, these r ppl that went thru some of the same things as me and my heart doesn't break for 'em.

it's the same for other pastor's kids. instead of my heart breaking and reaching out to 'em. i wanna be reached out by them instead. and i wanna join in their anger/anguish instead of giving life to them and helping them heal.

i've gone through so much pain and hurt and i will go through more but i wish i didn't go through all that. i wish i had a happy family w/ barely any problems but i didn't. and now, i got baggage, some healed up, but still baggage. and this baggage enables me to relate to those who are also hurting. a blessing ppl say. and i agree. but dang, it is hecka hard and it's heavy. i am so glad that I am able to lay my burdens in front of God and rest. thank you Lord.

those were just some thoughts that i've had in my head but haven't been able to blog about till now. pretty random.