emo day

there is something profound about having an emo day or basically letting yourself just be emo.

Here is a quote from something I read recently:

"My observation of Christendom is that most of us tend to base our relationship with God on our performance instead of on His grace.  If we’ve performed well—whatever ‘well’ is in our opinion—then we expect God to bless us...We seem to believe success in the Christian life is basically up to us; our commitment, our discipline, and our zeal, with some help from God along the way." 


the whole article is found at: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/2011/02/11/transforming-grace/

I wanna talk about being "emotionally healthy"/"letting ourselves hurt"/"embracing our humanness"/any other thing related to this.

there is a sense of what doing these things 'well' for us or at least for me as I've been processing what I'm going through as well as letting myself hurt or feel sad/angry/disappointed/whatnot.

In one hand, I am 'healthier' than others because I do let myself cry or be angry or be sad and stuff like that. But on the other hand, I'm nowhere to actually being healthy.

This is where things may get controversial b/c I'm not sure if all of this is biblical and it definitely needs a balance to things.

The reason why I say I am nowhere close to being healthy or "perfect" (haha...this is even another situation where it could turn into performance easily) is because when I am hurting or being sad or feeling hopeless, letting myself be human and feel, is that I tell myself that I have hope, that I have joy, that I have people, that I am loved, that God is here, that God loves me, that God is patient, that God is hurting with me, and so on.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in telling myself or yourself these things but the problem comes where I'm telling myself all of these things that it starts to cap my emotional jug, where subtly I'm not letting myself feel completely, that I am only feeling as much as I deem to be okay, to be being a human 'well'.  That it is not okay for me to be/feel hopeless. The point is I start making myself be in charge of feeling hope, experiencing grace, healing, instead of God and even more than that, it is only me that can bring myself out of the corner of the room and to step into the light. That it is up to me to be healed, hopeful, joyful.

The truth is, God is in charge of healing. That I need Him and I need people.  That I can feel hopeless and allow God or friends to love me and I naturally, out of my own heart, and not my mind or pressure on myself to be in the light, to feel hope, to have joy, to come out into the light.

This is where letting myself be emo or have an emo day comes in. It allows me to feel hopeless and to just express it completely without any effort on my end to snap out of it. Not saying that if God comes and works in me directly or through friends that I won't snap out of it, but I am depending on God, on friends, on time to snap out of things.

Basically, I am giving myself an environment to completely pour out my emotional jug.

Point is, it is okay for me to be hurt, feel disappointed, feel lonely, and express these feelings and the desire/need for people (even the desire for a friend to be more present to that friend directly), when in all reality I am not alone, and not tell myself that I have people around me, that there are people who love me, that God loves me and allow God to tell me that instead b/c in all reality, He is in charge of my healing anyways and not me.

My choice comes in whether or not to believe God's truth or not and what makes it even more difficult is that it is completely okay if I have a hard time believing the truth b/c I am completely loved and accepted by God just b/c He loves and accepts me and He is patient with me.

There isn't any real conclusion to this blog b/c this is still a running thought and something I am recently realizing, processing, and learning.